Why Kids Lie
by Dr. Kyle Pruett
How kids learn to lie
Every child lies. It starts off as cute little entertainments, somewhere around three or four. Has your child ever pushed a stool across the kitchen floor, crawled up right in front of the cookie jar, and then reached for the lid just to see what it'll be today -- censure or reward? The little mistruths of everyday life begin the same way.
First, imaginary friends appear out of nowhere late in the third or early in the fourth year and are pressed into service as playmates, scapegoats, alter-egos, and so on. They allow for a certain mental privacy as they are slave solely to the child's wishes in ways that no other being could or will ever be. They enjoy some security from intruders (us) because they "play" by the child's rules only. They are alternately beloved, unruly, cast out, filthy perpetrators of deeds disavowed by the child, or invested with awesome powers to protect and preserve all that is good.
Later on, these imaginary friends serve as a foundation for the decisions to be made in the school years about right and wrong, personal responsibility, and so on. So set the extra place at the table, put out the occasional extra Oreo, but no need to overindulge with a special supermarket run. Never ridicule your child about them, as they are tender but powerful first attempts at separating from you emotionally and physically. Humiliating them at these first encounters, can make it pretty hard for them to entrust these tender inner thoughts, feelings, and dreams to you later on, when it really matters for their safety or well being.
The cover-up
Next come the lies that worry us a bit more: the cover-up or blaming of another for a misdeed NOT attributed to an imaginary friend. Five- and six-year-olds experiment a lot here but, by and large, they are not very good at it yet, and usually get caught. Still, a light parental touch is best. The reason? Shame and embarrassment are still allies at this developmental level. They still care more about what you think of them than anybody else, including themselves. Usually, they feel worse after the act than before, and you can count on a useful dose of guilt when you confront them. Saying, "Sam, I know you took my change off the dresser and I need it back. Let's talk about how it happened," works better on a young developing conscience than cross-examination, which invites them to lie to you yet again.
The early school years
By the early school years, it's worth thinking some about the sources and motives for lying, because kids clearly understand reality from fantasy by then. The three common reasons:
- avoiding punishment;
- preserving our desired image of ourselves;
- protecting others.
The first is by far the most common. The more a child lies to avoid punishment, the more suspicious I am that there is probably too much punishment being used in his life, either physical, emotional, or both. A parent who is physically intimidating, encourages his child to tell more lies, and for good reasons. Remember -- self control is the goal here, not parent control. And frequent lying is more often about parent control.
The second motive arises after kids achieve a certain identity which they try to maintain, both inside and outside the family. As peers become more important, lying to and about oneself can be a way of trying to preserve a particular self-image. The best tactic is to reflect back to the child the corrosive effect such lying has on one's own trust in himself.
The third motive usually is the last to appear developmentally, and can occasionally be rationalized as ethically acceptable. Not so fast; true altruism is a saintly, rare act in which there is not a speck of self-serving, not even feeling good is allowed.
Strategies
Remember that childhood patterns endure: grown-ups behave as they did as children more often than not. Let's review some strategies for dealing with this can of worms, because it deserves one of our better efforts as parents.
- Think for a minute how you can tell if your child is lying. It tends to be easier when they are younger as they are less experienced at masking body language. But as they mature, so do their cover-up skills. Watch the eyes (no contact, looking away?), the mood (too dark or too light for the facts rendered?), the tone of voice (slight quiver, false assurance?). But don't spend too much energy here, as none of us ever gets very good at this, and it treats our kids as suspects too often.
- Choose your battles. Confrontations over lying expend trust, yours and theirs, so let the little fish go, but let them know you do smell something fishy. Still, allowing for slack and not harping on the small lies makes the attention you focus on the big lies mean much more.
- Use pre-emptive strikes occasionally. At the dinner table, relate real stories about your feelings about the lies you encounter at work and in the community that bother you, and conclude with something like this: "I'd never expect that from you. Our trust in each other is just too important to us as a family." University of Ohio researchers have shown this kind of "inductive discipline" promotes empathy and discourages more serious kinds of limit testing. You might even talk about one or two lies that you regret, and their consequences.
- When you catch them in an important lie that has to do with their safety or emotional well-being, take them for a walk, or some private place, tell them to listen, and lay out what you know. Don't corner and interrogate them; they just squirm and lie more to protect themselves from your anger and disappointment. Give them a chance to be upset, then talk about trust and self-deception as the real consequences. Then think with them together about how to repair the damage. If you get stony silence, try again later, but don't berate, degrade, or humiliate. You become the problem, then, not the lie.
