The Magic Words: Teaching Your Toddler Manners

In teaching your two-year-old how to behave politely, concentrate on the "magic words." This teaching will feed into your child's already strong urge to learn and master new words.

You can heighten your child's motivation to use these words by telling her that each phrase has a secret power. Toddlers want to feel powerful. So let your child know that with just one or two words, she can exercise a very special and magic effect on other people—and that these magic words give her the power even to influence grown-ups. All of them, when spoken by a toddler or preschooler, tend to make adults smile. But each has specific powers as well:

• "Please" makes grown-ups much more willing to help your toddler or to give her something she wants.
• "Thank you" pleases grown-ups by letting them know that your toddler likes what they have given her or done for her—and makes them even more willing to do more favors in the future.
• "Excuse me" or "Pardon me" allows your child to get the attention of an adult who is having a conversation or is otherwise absorbed in something other than the child herself; also has the power to move adults who are blocking your toddler's way or to win forgiveness from someone she bumps into.
• "I'm sorry" perhaps the most magical of all, because it actually helps to fix hurts, whether your child has injured someone by accident or on purpose.

After your child learns that these words have magical powers, she will want to use them even more.

After you've taught your child the basics about how to use these words, you'll need to follow through if you want to encourage her to use them. Don't respond directly to what your child is saying if she leaves these "grease" words out. Of course, you'll probably need to remind your two-year-old (and your three-year-old and your four-year-old, etc.) many, many times to use these words.

If your child screams, "I want juice!", explain that you'll be happy to get her what she wants—but only if she asks for it politely. Then stick to your guns. Don't cave until your child stops yelling. If she changes her tone but still forgets to say, "please," help her out by prompting her a little. Then and only then should she get what she wants.

Or if your child starts talking to you while you're on the telephone, do not respond to her except to remind her to say, "Excuse me." When she does, excuse yourself from the phone for a few seconds either to tell your toddler that you'll listen to her in just a minute or to address her concern quickly.

Magic, Not Miracles

If you want to help politeness become a habit for your child, you'll have to offer him some reward for using the right words and intonation. Of course, this doesn't mean you need to give him everything he wants as long as he says "please" and "thank you." Your child has to learn that the magic words, while powerful, are not all-powerful. But though the magic words do not provide a free pass, they do earn your toddler a reasonable consideration of his request.

Though you can't give your toddler everything he wants, you can reward his politeness with your attention and praise. Listen alertly for these words. If you hear your child speak any of them, respond to them quickly and politely. Congratulate him for speaking so politely and honor your toddler's polite requests as often as you think appropriate. If you must refuse your child, do so firmly but politely.

Model Manners

Of course, the best way to instill proper manners in your child is to set a good example yourself. Are you polite and respectful to the people—adults and children alike—whom you meet during the course of the day? If not, your toddler—and later your preschooler—will catch you up in your hypocrisies and throw them back in your face.

If you want your child to behave with common courtesy, you will need to model that behavior. Your child needs to see you treat other adults—and children, too—with respect. Do you serve as the drill sergeant in your house, constantly barking orders at your child? "Get your coat on! Pick up those blocks! Put away those books! Get out of the bath!" If you do, you're not likely to get much politeness in return.

So if you want your toddler to do something for you, at least start by asking and using the magic word, "Please." Then if she does what you wanted, acknowledge your gratitude with a "Thank you." (Of course, if you ask a couple of times and your child doesn't move, then it may be time to start issuing commands.) None of us is perfect. But if you behave with common courtesy most of the time, your child will see it as expected everyday behavior-and model her own behavior after it.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Parenting a Preschooler and Toddler, Too © 1997 by Keith M. Boyd, M.D., and Kevin Osborn. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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