Adjusting After a Move

You've unpacked all of the cardboard boxes and put them out to recycle. Your favorite wedding photo is sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. You've stocked the kitchen with your favorite spices. Your dishes are neatly stacked in cabinets above the sink. But somehow, the two of you still feel unsettled. Even though everything is where it should be, you feel like nothing is in place.

You've found out the hard way that settling into a new place is much more than unpacking. It's feeling at home, knowing your neighbors, having friends to invite over for dinner, knowing who you can trust at work. If you have children, then it's knowing other families who have children the same age as yours. Of course, all of these things take time. But there are ways to speed things along so that you can feel settled as soon as possible.

Welcome Home

If you don't know many people in town, you can't sit around waiting for people to welcome you. Be direct. Give yourselves a welcoming party! Invite everyone on your block or in your apartment building. Keep it simple. Put Xeroxed, handwritten invitations in people's mailboxes. Have it in the afternoon with drinks and chips. No one will expect you to serve a feast. In fact, they will be impressed that you did it at all. You'll at least briefly meet your neighbors (at least the ones interested in meeting you). And people who can't make it to the party may stop by and say hello.

You will have accomplished so much with relatively little effort. Rather than wait for a chance meeting with all of these people, you will have told them a lot of things all at once—that the two of you are new in town, that you are friendly, that you are interested in your neighbors, and that you welcome a future relationship.

It's Party Time

Linda and Paul moved into their new house and felt frustrated that they had only met one of their neighbors. They wanted to feel like part of the neighborhood. They had two children, aged six and nine. It was summer and school hadn't started, so their kids hadn't made new friends yet, either.

They decided they would invite everyone on their block over for a Sunday open house. They put invitations on everyone's doorstep. Linda and Paul kept things simple. They went to the grocery store and bought chips, dips, and cut-up vegetables. They bought several types of cheese, cut them in small blocks, and put them out with crackers. They used paper plates and cups, and plastic utensils. That Sunday they were very nervous and were wondering if they had done the right thing. When the first person rang the doorbell, they were immediately relieved. The family introduced themselves and apologized for not meeting them sooner. They commented that they had been very busy this summer and had been out of town a lot. They were very glad to have a family on the block, and even had a child who was nine years old who would be going to the same school as Linda and Paul's nine-year-old.

By the time the day was over, they had met people from over half of the homes on their block. Several of them had children close to the ages of their own. Their kids were immediately happier and had friends to play with for the rest of the summer. Their neighbors now invited them to dinner and were interested in getting to know them better. By taking the initiative, Linda and Paul made a huge step to feeling more at home. By making a small investment in time and money, they integrated themselves into their new neighborhood.

Exploring Your New Neighborhood

When people move to a new location, they often don't spend time exploring stores they use frequently for their errands. They often just use the stores that are closest to their house. For instance, they will go to the supermarket nearby and assume that is where they will shop. They will develop their photos at the local drug store without comparing quality.

You need to feel secure in your day-to-day life before you can feel settled in a new place. It's so important to trust your hair stylist, as well as your grocery store, and know the best place to have your photos developed. It might seem unimportant or a waste of time to check out several supermarkets or have your photos developed at different places. But it's very important and a good use of time. In fact, it's a critical step to helping you feel at home. Think about how much time you devote to your errands. Use the following list to decide what is important to you:

• Grocery-shopping: What is important to you in a grocery store? The produce? The selection of nonfood items? The availability of money-saving large sizes? Check out several grocery stores to see which one best suits your needs. Don't just go to the one closest to your house and assume you'll feel at home there.

• Photo developing: There are many different places to have your photos processed, from the corner drug store to the mall to an expert photo lab. Consider issues like convenience as well as your particular needs when it comes to having your photographs developed. How choosy are you about your prints? Do you usually get two for one prints? Is one-hour developing the most important consideration, or is the lowest price key for you?

• Haircut: This is a tricky one. The person who cuts your hair is a very important person in your life. It's important to like him or her and like the way he or she cuts your hair. Ask your neighbors, co-workers, or even a stranger in the line at the video store (whose hair style you admire) where they get their hair cut and what they like about their stylist. If you don't have anyone to ask yet, visit several shops and chat with some stylists. You can find out if they listen to what you want and are open to new clients.

• Clothes shopping: If you moved to a city with the same department stores as where you used to live, then you have a good place to start. Otherwise, spend some time browsing the local mall. Go when you don't need to buy anything in particular so you won't get frustrated. Evaluate the store's styles, brands, and prices. Figure out where you feel the most comfortable. Then, when you need something, go right to that store.

• Dry cleaner's: Do you do a lot of dry cleaning or just the occasional sport coat? Is a very fast turnaround time important to you? What about extended hours? Do you often need mending or altering done? Again, you can start by asking your neighbors their preferences. It gives you something to talk about, and they are usually happy to help out. The first time you use a place, only give them one or two items. If you are not happy with their work, you can go elsewhere.

• Parks: If you have kids, it's critical to have a few parks that you really enjoy going to. It's a great way to meet people, and it will help your children feel at home. Make it a family adventure. Pack a picnic lunch, bring your favorite old blanket, and make an afternoon out of it. Try out several different parks until you find one that you and your children really enjoy.

• Specialty items: Did you have a favorite bakery where you used to live? Or a boutique where you could buy cosmetics? Or a sporting-goods store? Again, this is a time to explore. Look through the phone book; then take an afternoon and check out several different places. It's fun to browse when you don't need to buy anything in particular.

Settling In

Sit back and take a minute to think about what activities you most enjoyed where you used to live. Did you enjoy trying different restaurants, playing golf, or listening to live music in coffeehouses? Dive right in and do those same things immediately!

Now think about where the two of you received most of your social support. Did you mostly spend time with friends from work or people in your church, temple, or synagogue? Did you have a group of friends to go bowling with or have a weekly poker game? After you identify two or three activities that were important to you, try to replicate them as quickly as possible.

Make an effort to acquaint yourself with a new person from work each day. If you can't find a bowling team to join, start one! If you like to read books, join a book club. If you were a member of a church or religious organization before, get involved! It's very simple. You will meet people you have things in common with if you put yourself in the right situation. Don't be shy. Your effort will really pay off to help you settle in as quickly as possible.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage © 2001 by Hilary Rich and Helaina Laks Kravitz, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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