Housework Hurdles for Spouses

Everyone views his or her home in different ways. For some, it's the one place where they can relax and be themselves. They enjoy being able to come home, grab a drink, sit down in a comfortable chair, and put their feet up. They don't want to think about getting a coaster for their drink or taking their shoes off before propping them up on the table. They might throw their jacket on the couch or not rinse the sink out after brushing their teeth.

This behavior might drive their spouse crazy. Their spouse might view their home very differently, seeing it as the one place where things are in order, away from the chaos of the outside world. They like to invite people over spontaneously and want the house to always look nice. They are always going around cleaning up after the other person and really resenting it. They spend twice as much time on housework as the other person and always feel their spouse is not doing his or her fair share.

Where Do You Stand?

Before you and your spouse can organize your weekly chores, it's useful to figure out how each of you feels about your home. Decide whether the following statements are true or false as they apply to you. Then have your spouse answer them.

Home Quiz

1. I like to feel totally relaxed in my home.
   • True or False
2. It's important to me that everything is in its place.
   • True or False
3. My dirty underwear doesn't always make it to the laundry basket.
   • True or False
4. I prefer the bed to be made neatly every morning.
   • True or False
5. I like to eat all over the house, not just in the kitchen.
   • True or False
6. Dishes should be washed as soon as you're finished with them.
   • True or False
7. I leave magazines and books wherever I read them.
   • True or False
8. The bills should all be left in one place.
   • True or False
9. I enjoy putting my feet up on the coffee table.
   • True or False
10. I always rinse the sink well after brushing my teeth.
    • True or False

To compute your score, add up your “True” statements in the odd-numbered questions and your “False” statements in the even-numbered questions. Do the same for your spouse's answers.

• 0-3 You like your home to be in excellent order, and you like things in their place.
• 4-6 A certain amount of order in your home is important to you.
• 7-10 You tend to be very relaxed in your home, and keeping things perfectly neat is not that important to you.

If you and your spouse both fall into the same category, you probably have a similar idea of what needs to be done to make your home livable. If the two of you fall into different categories, you will have more of a challenge creating a home that both of you are happy living in. It's important to realize that both of you cannot have the exact kind of home you want. Two people living together always need to compromise. But there are ways to make the house livable for each of you, if you are willing to negotiate.

I Can Live with That

If you and your spouse feel differently about your home, it's important to break the problem into manageable pieces. To start, list the 10 most important items that help make your house into your home. Examples might be making the bed in the morning, keeping laundry off the floor, putting your feet on the coffee table, or having a snack while watching TV. By listing the things that are most important to each of you, a problem that seemed huge and difficult to tackle is now more manageable.

Go through the list again and do the following three exercises:

1. Mark items on the list that you can easily do by yourself. For instance, if your spouse doesn't care about making the bed neatly, you might decide that it wouldn't be so terrible if you just made it yourself in the morning.

2. Now write down ways you could compromise on some of the items. Maybe the person who likes to eat throughout the house needs to promise to get the dishes back to the kitchen immediately after eating. Or maybe the person who likes to put feet up on the coffee table will first take off his or her shoes.

3. On the items remaining, for those you cannot reasonably do yourself and those you feel that you cannot compromise on, write down the specific behavior you would like from your spouse. For instance, if your spouse leaves sections of the newspaper all over the house, it would be reasonable to request that he or she pile them in a central place right after reading them.

Now, instead of general frustration, you have a list of your specific needs. Your spouse will be more apt to meet those needs, both because you now have specific requests (which are always easier to follow) and because you have earmarked several items that you are going to do yourself instead of complaining about them!

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage © 2001 by Hilary Rich and Helaina Laks Kravitz, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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