Obstacles to a Perfect Marriage

The Blame Game

Some people fall into the habit of expecting their spouse to make them happy. Imagine that you are feeling stressed at work and come home every evening in a bad mood. You argue with everything your spouse says without even thinking about it. You are basically not good company. Your spouse retreats to the back room and doesn't want much to do with you. You don't feel like eating alone but end up eating a cold can of soup for dinner. You feel even worse and start to feel really sorry for yourself. You toss and turn at night and wake up feeling groggy and miserable. The cycle continues. You barely talk with your spouse in the evenings, and this carries over into the weekends. You feel like your marriage is falling apart.

Many people start blaming their spouse at this point. “If only he or she cooked me dinner every night,” “If only he or she really cared about my feelings,” “If only he or she kept the house clean for me when I came home after a long day at work.” This can easily turn into “None of this is my fault; it is all my spouse's fault.” Now you have made your spouse your enemy.

Don't fall into this trap! Figure out ways that both you and your spouse can help the situation. Blaming each other will get you nowhere. Rather than blaming each other for why things aren't working, try to figure out ways to make things better. If you find yourself angry and blaming your spouse for something, stop, sit down, and think about what you can do to better understand how your spouse is feeling.

Getting Over Grudges

Unresolved grudges against your spouse are another obstacle to a perfect marriage. They are a barrier between the two of you. If you are able to forgive your spouse for a past mistake, you will improve your marriage.

Mindy was frustrated with her husband, Jack, because he forgot their anniversary. He had done everything he could to make it up to her. He brought her flowers, took her on a surprise weekend away, and even did her chores for a week; but nothing satisfied her. Mindy still felt angry and sad. Now Jack was getting frustrated. He knew he had made a big mistake by forgetting their anniversary, but he had tried to make up for it. Over time, he became angry with Mindy for not forgiving him.

Even though Jack made the original mistake by forgetting their anniversary, Mindy compounded the error. She is carrying around a grudge that has interfered with her marriage. All Mindy had to do was forgive Jack for forgetting their anniversary. Then they would have been able to move on.

Forgiveness

Are you talking around with grudges against your spouse? This is probably creating a barrier between the two of you. If you are able to, forgive your spouse for something he or she did in the past. Forgiveness is an important part of a good relationship and will improve your marriage.

The following are five steps to forgiveness:

1. Set aside time to discuss the issue.
2. Explain to your spouse why you are upset.
3. Tell your spouse directly that you forgive him or her.
4. Do your best to not bring up the issue again.
5. Remind yourself that you have already forgiven your spouse if you find yourself thinking about the issue.

By forgiving your spouse, you will be taking a step toward becoming closer to each other.

Overcoming Your Obstacles

The first step to overcoming obstacles in your relationship is to know what they are. To help you identify the obstacles in your relationship, answer the following questions.

Obstacles Quiz

1. Which of the following statements best describe your reason(s) for reading this article?

• You are having problems in your relationship and want to learn how to overcome them.
• You have no role models for a good marriage, and you want guidance.
• You want to avoid divorce.
• You want to have a better marriage.
• You want to maximize the potential of your relationship to be the best it can be.

2. Describe your fantasy of a perfect marriage.

3. Name three unrealistic expectations you have of your partner:

4. List three grudges you are holding against your spouse:

5. Looking at your answers to these four questions, what are the three biggest obstacles in your relationship?

Go through your obstacles one by one and think of things you can do to eliminate them. For instance, if you have unrealistic expectations of your spouse, you might do best by focusing on his or her positive qualities. If you have grudges against your spouse, you should probably forgive your spouse and move on.

Don't Give Up Easily

When you are going through a difficult time in your marriage, it's very easy to just give up. But this is exactly the time you need to face the challenge. You need to be determined to make your marriage succeed. The single most important thing you can do for your relationship is to really work at it. Don't give up easily.

Imagine that you didn't tend to a garden for six months. It would look weedy and uncared for, but that doesn't mean beautiful flowers can't grow there! When things are difficult in your marriage, think about the great times you've had and all that you've shared. Make the effort to get your relationship back to where it was and then some!

Be Determined

We will give you many tools and techniques to help you create a wonderful marriage. But there is one thing we cannot give you: determination to succeed. That is something you need to bring to your relationship.

What is so important about determination? Determination allows you to see past a tough situation and focus on the long-term goals in your marriage. You might have a difficult goal such as putting aside money every month to buy a house. But knowing that you will own a home in the future helps you budget your money carefully.

The same is true for your marriage. You have the long-term goal to have a fantastic relationship with your spouse, but you will still face situations that are difficult. There are times when you will need to compromise. At those times, stay focused by remembering your larger goal—a great marriage.

Go for It!

You owe it to yourself and your spouse to make every effort to have an extraordinary relationship. If you have unrealistic expectations of your partner or are carrying past grudges, you will always be disappointed. You will never be able to see your marriage as wonderful.

On the other hand, if you are able to get over past disappointments, forgive your spouse, and be realistic about your expectations, you will be on your way to having a great marriage.

So many people are looking elsewhere that they don't realize the perfect mate is standing right beside them. Don't let this happen to you!

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage © 2001 by Hilary Rich and Helaina Laks Kravitz, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

To order this book visit the Idiot's Guide web site or call 1-800-253-6476.