Reigniting Passion

Would you want to settle for a ho-hum life of working, watching TV, paying the bills, eating, and going to sleep? Probably not. Life just wouldn't be satisfying if we were to just get by. What we want, what we crave, is passion. Passion for our work, for activities in our down time, and, most importantly, passion for our spouse. Many people describe their relationship by saying, “I think I still love him, but the passion is gone.” Fortunately, this is usually not true, even when it seems to be. The passion is not gone; it just needs to be drawn out.

Many people who say they have passion problems find that they do. It's amazing how something can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, if you think about the issue in terms of passion obstacles to overcome, it's much easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel. With a little determination and a lot of practice, you can have more passion in your relationship than you ever thought possible.

Passion is not like a butterfly landing on you if you're lucky and fleeing at the slightest breeze. How wonderful that this simply isn't true. In fact, passion is one area in which you can make a difference right away. You don't need to wait for a special love potion or some external stimulus to ignite your passion. You can make it happen in an instant.

It Wasn't Always Like This

Many people get married because they say they have fun together. After they are married for a while, they realize they got married for more valuable reasons: shared values and shared commitment.

It's very common for married couples to get caught up in the day-to-day grind. There are bills to pay, schedules to arrange, and chores to do. It seems like a waste of energy to plan fun activities with your spouse. It's easy to assume he or she will be around to grab a bite to eat or to see a movie with you. Creating special “date time” together makes us feel like we're just adding one more thing to our never ending to-do list.

There are many reasons to make a date with your spouse. First of all, because it's fun. Everyone deserves to have fun and a break from routines. Second, doing enjoyable things together gives you energy to tackle your responsibilities. And last, every time you do something fun with your spouse, you strengthen your relationship.

Memories

Close your eyes and think back to your first date with your spouse. Were you excited? Did you have butterflies in your stomach? What were you wearing? What was your spouse wearing? Did you go to a nice dinner and get to know each other? At the end of the evening, did you make plans to get together again? Did you talk about the date with any of your friends?

Once you think about it, you can remember really enjoying going out with your spouse. You looked forward to seeing him or her and talking on the telephone to-together. Where did all of that fun and excitement go? You can get back the excitement of your first date. How? Read on.

Good Fun Takes Good Planning

What made those first months of dating so much fun? Both of you put a lot of time and energy into the date. You chose an outfit with special care. Sometimes you bought tickets to a special event or ate dinner in a romantic restaurant. You were thoughtful of the other person and presented yourself at your best. You practiced good dating etiquette.

Bring back those skills. All of these things are important even after being married. The forethought as well as the adoring attitude you brought to your dates then can be re-created. The atmosphere of specialness and excitement made them so much fun!

Let's Do Lunch

Tammy and Jason had been married for two years and were thinking of starting a family. But they were afraid to have children because they felt their marriage was fizzling out. They never had much fun together and had lost most of the passion that they had had while they dated and for the first few months of their marriage. Tammy was even worried they might end up getting divorced. She didn't know what to do.

Tammy finally got up the nerve to talk to us about the problem. At first, Tammy didn't know what to say, because generally her marriage was going well. She loved Jason and he loved her. After much probing, we couldn't find a significant problem facing Tammy and Jason. It seemed like they might divorce just for the lack of interest. Finally we asked, “What do the two of you do for fun?”

Tammy was surprised by the question. She had never really thought about it before. “Well, we see a movie sometimes, and every now and then we go out to eat. We're trying to save money for a house and we've been cutting down on our entertainment expenses.”

Then we asked Tammy what it was like in the beginning of their relationship when she first dated Jason. Tammy's eyes sparkled. She talked about how attracted she had been to Jason and how she used to look forward to seeing him. They often went out for dinner and would take walks for their evening entertainment that really gave them the opportunity to have long talks about life and what was important to them.

As she was talking, Tammy smiled. Then we asked, “What is different about how you used to date and what you are doing now?”

Tammy went on to describe how they used to go out every Saturday night. They would often plan the next date a week ahead of time. Tammy would often dress casually, but she always used to spend a lot of time deciding what she wore. She would make sure to match her earrings and necklace to her outfit. She would wash and blow-dry her hair. Sometimes she would even have her nails manicured.

Now she and Jason went out rarely. When they did go out, they never planned ahead of time what they would do. They usually wore jeans and T-shirts wherever they went. Sometimes they would even spend 30 minutes deciding what movie to see but would give up when they couldn't agree.

Tammy and Jason were depriving themselves of passion. At first, Tammy assumed that not wanting to spend a lot of money was the reason their dates were not very exciting. But when she thought about it, she and Jason had never spent much money before they were married either. What made their dates so exciting before was taking the time to get ready to go out with each other and looking forward to the dates all week. If you make yourself attractive, you'll feel more attractive and your spouse will be more attracted to you. By planning your evening out ahead of time and getting dressed nicely, you can turn a simple movie into a wonderful, romantic evening together.

We suggested that Tammy and Jason set aside every Saturday night to go out together. We advised them to plan ahead so they wouldn't waste time on the actual evening deciding what to do. Both of them should change into new clothes before they go out, just like they always did before they were married. Their dates began to feel much more special, and they grew closer to each other than ever before. Tammy has stopped worrying about divorce and feels great about starting a family. Dating really strengthened their marriage and brought back the passion!

Does this scenario sound familiar to you? If so, why not try the advice we gave Tammy and Jason. Set a date night with your spouse and stick to it. Even if it's something simple, like a walk in the park or a stop for a cappuccino, make it special. And don't forget to freshen up before you go. Remember, passion is not going to just land on you—you have to make it happen!

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Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage © 2001 by Hilary Rich and Helaina Laks Kravitz, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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