The Bother Barometer

Think Twice

Don't assume you know what is bothering your spouse. A simple “What's bothering you?” will sometimes work wonders!

The bother barometer is a basic tool to help you decide how much something really bothers you. Use it to rate the annoying habits your spouse has. Once you get the hang of it, you can modify it to rate everything from financial matters to dealing with in-laws.

Use the following bother barometer to rate each of the habits you wish your spouse didn't have:

Soul Mates

Take the time to find out what would be helpful to your spouse. He or she is the single most important person in your life!

  1. Not an issue. Doesn't bother me at all.
  2. I'd prefer it didn't happen, but it's not a big deal.
  3. It occasionally annoys me when my spouse does it.
  4. It often annoys me when my spouse does it.
  5. It annoys me most times my spouse does it.
  6. It annoys me every time my spouse does it.
  7. It annoys me whenever I'm with my spouse.
  8. It annoys me even when I'm away from my spouse.
  9. I'm miserable because my spouse does it.
  10. I can't stand it. Maybe we can't live together anymore because of it.

Issues that you rate 5, 6, or 7 can escalate into worse problems if they are not dealt with. You must address them with your spouse while they are still at this manageable stage. Most differences that you rate in the middle of the scale can be resolved between the two of you. In the next chapter, you will learn specific skills to help you resolve these kinds of conflicts.

Think Twice

Don't discuss a problem with your spouse until you've thought through how much it's really bothering you. A problem you thought to be major might rate lower on the bother barometer than you initially thought. You might not even need to bring it up with your partner!

Issues that you rate in the 8, 9, and 10 range will be more difficult to resolve. If something your spouse does annoys you constantly and makes you miserable, there probably are many emotions underlying the issue. You can try to resolve the problem yourselves, but you might find you need outside help.

On the other hand, things that bother you very little (2 to 4 on the scale) are probably not worth bringing up at all. It's a good idea to recognize that they bother you somewhat, and pay attention if something rises on your importance scale.

Sit down with your spouse and discuss each other's answers to the quiz. Did you correctly anticipate what bothered the other person? Are there some things you had no idea bothered your spouse? Are you clear about what bothers you? This information is a crucial first step toward resolving your differences.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Perfect Marriage © 2001 by Hilary Rich and Helaina Laks Kravitz, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

To order this book visit the Idiot's Guide web site or call 1-800-253-6476.


8 Epic Emoji-Themed Crafts, Activities & Recipes
Check out the best emoji crafts, activities, and recipes! They're perfect for an emoji-themed birthday party or anytime you need DIY (and screen-free!) summer activities for kids, tweens, and teens.

Find Today's Newest & Best Children's Books
Looking for newly released books for your child? Try our Book Finder tool to search for new books by age, type, and theme!

10 Free Summer Learning Worksheets
Print these free printables for preschoolers and kindergarteners to help your child's mind stay sharp until September!

Ready for Kindergarten?
Try our award-winning Kindergarten Readiness app! This easy-to-use checklist comes with games and activities to help your child build essential skills for kindergarten. Download the Kindergarten Readiness app today!

stay connected

Sign up for our free email newsletters and receive the latest advice and information on all things parenting.

Enter your email address to sign up or manage your account.

Facebook icon Facebook icon Follow Us on Pinterest

editor’s picks