Competitive Seven-Year-Old

Sometimes a child needs a different world view -- one that doesn't insist on him being first at everything he does.
Q
I have a seven-year-old boy, who is extremely competitive. He wants to win at everything -- from eating dinner the fastest to hitting the ball the hardest -- even at the expense of another's feelings. How can I help him develop sportsmanship and sensitivity to others' feelings? And how can I help him not to be so angry when he doesn't come in first place?
A
Your son is in need of a different world view, one that doesn't insist on him being first at everything he does. With that much inner pressure to be number one, he will certainly have many disappointing times ahead of him. I am concerned that he will ignore others' feelings in his pursuit of winning. This insensitivity will make it very difficult to make and keep friends.

Continue to teach by example. Live your life showing him good sportsmanship, empathy for others, and the value of a strong effort (emphasizing effort and not result as the measure of performance). Comment whenever appropriate to verbally reinforce these values you are living. He's still not too old to be read to; ask your children's librarian for books that deal with your concerns. Also check out any of Alfie Kohn's books on non-competitive games for kids.

Ask him if he would like to help a child he knows become more skilled at something (sports, academics, etc.) he is good at. Sometimes kids become more sensitive to others when they help those less talented than themselves. There will also be a natural series of life events that will dictate the impossibility of your son's demand to be first/best. You'll be there to put it all into perspective when he falls.

Carleton Kendrick has been in private practice as a family therapist and has worked as a consultant for more than 20 years. He has conducted parenting seminars on topics ranging from how to discipline toddlers to how to stay connected with teenagers. Kendrick has appeared as an expert on national broadcast media such as CBS, Fox Television Network, Cable News Network, CNBC, PBS, and National Public Radio. In addition, he's been quoted in the New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe, USA Today, Reader's Digest, BusinessWeek, Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day, and many other publications.

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