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Anger Management: Understanding Your Temperament

"Each of us is born into the world as someone; we spend the rest of our lives trying to find out who."
– Dean Homer and Peter Copeland,
Living with Our Genes

Lori didn't get it. Weren't all kids supposed to like to go to the park? But when she suggested an outing to her son, David, he'd burst into tears. He didn't want to go. Or if they were out running errands and she suggested that they stop at the library to get a few books, David would insist on going home. Lori loved spontaneity, but with David everything had to be planned or he had a fit. David had reacted this way practically since day one. They were so different, and it was often those differences that got them into power struggles.

Sometimes, however, it was their similarities that got them into trouble. Take the grocery store. Lori hated buying groceries. The smells in the deli department repulsed her, and the lighting was awful. Before she finished shopping, her head would be pounding from the glare. Moving through the store, she seemed to "suck in" the moods of other shoppers. She knew immediately who was in a big hurry, and when someone was impatient with a clerk, she felt their words like a physical blow. It took every ounce of self-control she had to make it through the grocery store, and, inevitably, that's when David would lose it because he, too, went nuts with all of the stimulation. She'd try to stay calm and soothe him, but if he continued to be upset more than a few minutes, she'd find herself ready to scream, as well.

And David didn't give up. Of course, neither did she. They could debate for fifteen minutes whether there was enough syrup on the pancakes or not, and by then the breakfast was cold. If he asked for a cookie at eight a.m. and she told him he had to wait for lunch, he'd ask her again fifty times if it was lunchtime yet.

In her dreams, before David was born, she'd imagined sitting quietly by the fire reading to her child. In reality she spent hours chasing after him. He didn't want to be cuddled, except at bedtime for just a few minutes. Even then he often jumped in and out of her lap. The power struggles seemed inevitable. What she liked, he hated. What bothered her set him off, too. And no matter what, they both wanted to win!

Understanding Temperament
Variety, that's what makes life rich, and when it comes to people, Mother Nature has provided us with a smorgasbord of styles. The challenge is to enjoy those styles rather than let them pull us into power struggles. Even at birth infants express their individuality. Some babies vigorously cycle their arms and legs and let loose with lusty, expressive cries. Others watch intently, slowly cycling their limbs or letting out a mere whimper to indicate their discomfort.

Thanks to new studies on identical twins reared apart, genetics research, molecular biology, and neuroscience, we now know that many of our personality traits are the result of our genetic makeup. Researchers call this inborn dimension of personality "temperament."

Temperament describes how we perceive the world and our first and most natural responses to those perceptions. It includes how sensitive we are, how we react to new things, our activity level, intensity, persistence, and how easily we shift from one thing to another.

Temperament is not learned from parents or books, nor can the traits be easily controlled through willpower alone. A baby doesn't decide to be active or inactive; she just is. A child doesn't choose to feel the seam in his sock and experience shivers down his spine as a result; it just happens. It's part of who he is, just like the color of his eyes or hair.

Why Temperament Is Important
Temperament is one of the real fuel sources that may lie behind the power struggles you are experiencing with your child. By his very nature, your child may be slow to adapt. If that's true, the odds are that he hates surprises of any kind, and shifting from one thing to another is so distressing that you end up in power struggles. If you're quick to adapt, you don't even notice transitions. Switching plans or stopping one thing and starting another is no big deal. Your child's reaction to change can drive you nuts. Or, if you're like Lori and David, and you're both highly sensitive, then lights, smells, sounds, and emotions can easily overwhelm you, making it that much tougher to keep your cool and stay connected. By understanding temperament, you will be better able to:

• Understand the emotions you and your child are experiencing, like the deep distress experienced by a slow-to-adapt child when she has to leave her friend's house, or the exhaustion of the active child who's been forced to sit still for long periods of time.
• Predict potential "triggers" – the things that set both of you off.
• Select the most effective strategies to help you to eliminate or minimize those triggers.
• Maximize the pleasures and reduce the frustrations of working with your child.
• Reduce the number of visits to your pediatrician because you understand what's "normal" for your child and therefore worry less.

Finally, understanding temperament allows you to stop trying to change your child or yourself, and instead find ways to work together and enjoy each other more.

Understanding Yourself Helps You Understand Your Child
In order to understand the feelings that your child's temperament generates, you need to understand your own temperament. When you can identify your feelings, it's much easier to work with your child's.

Take a look at the following temperament chart. Each trait is placed on a continuum – from a mild reaction to a strong reaction, or from high to low. Read through the statements listed for each side of the continuum. Think about your first and most natural reactions. Which responses fit you best?

Remember there are no right or wrong answers. Our goal is to gain an understanding of ourselves so we can maximize our abilities as emotion coaches.

1. Persistence
If you are involved in a task and your child interrupts or asks for your help, do you find it frustrating and difficult to stop? If your child tells you "No," do you want to push harder for compliance?

easily stop or let go – don't mind interruptions				difficult to stop or let go – want to finish
1	2	3	4	5
low persistence.				high persistence

If you're a highly persistent adult, it's likely you are committed to your goals! You not only like to concentrate on a task, you need an opportunity to finish something. When you're focused on your kids, they have your full attention. Nothing can deter you, and when it comes to holding the line and setting a limit, you're confident and willing to do battle.

But there are challenges to this trait, as well. When you're focused on a task, those numerous interruptions from children can drive you wild. As your intensity rises, your ability to be a nurturing emotion coach declines. And because you are focused, you might miss cues that the kids' tempers are escalating, or you might try to hold them off with "just a minute" until they're at an explosive level. Sometimes when you're highly persistent, it's tough to be as flexible as the job of taking care of children requires, especially when your child is as persistent as you are and has plans that conflict with yours. It can also be difficult for you to tell yourself you've done a good job when it feels like you haven't gotten a thing done all day.

In order to stay out of power struggles, it's essential that you clearly look at the expectations you've established. Can you truly accomplish all the tasks you've set out for yourself and still nurture your children? Or do you need to cross a few items off the list, remembering that spending time with your kids is essential to your relationship?

My husband realized early in our marriage that he had wed a very persistent woman. So every Saturday he'd ask me to make a list of all I wanted to accomplish. Inevitably he'd glance at the list and ask, "Where's the fun?" I'd have to add an interesting activity so that later I could enjoy crossing it off the list! Then he'd read my list out loud, not mocking me, just reading it, and as I listened to him, I always realized I would need a month to accomplish my "to do" list, not a single day. Persistent adults need to remember that spending time with children counts! It is an accomplishment. We just have to wait a long time for the final product to evolve.

Recognize, too, that interruptions trigger you. The next time your child asks for help or interrupts you, stop yourself from automatically saying "No" or "Not now," which will set both of you off. Instead, stop, pause, breathe deeply, and decide: Can you work together? Could you set a timer? Is there a creative solution you can both accept, or is it time to stop and refocus your attention?

If you really do need to accomplish a task and you have young children, find another adult who can care for your children and let you concentrate. Everyone will benefit.

When you understand your persistence and the emotions that are generated by it, it's much easier to stay out of those power struggles!

If you're an adult on the low persistence end of the continuum, it's probably easier for you to let go of a task and shift attention to your kids. The frequent demands of young children really don't bother you, and as a result, you can usually stay calm as you deal with the interruptions. If need be, you can stop and start a task ten times. And while you do sometimes feel guilty about the things that don't get finished, you usually do complete the important things. Give yourself credit for your ability to let go.

Your biggest challenge is holding the line. It isn't that you're a pushover. You're not. You just don't like dealing with the drawn-out battles.

Think carefully about your standards, so that when the time comes to hold the line, you're ready and you can do so without feeling guilty. And don't forget to get your backup – that other adult who will support you when you truly need to hold the line.

2. Sensitivity
How aware are you of sights, sounds, smells, textures, or tastes? Do slight noises irritate you? Do you notice subtle changes in temperature or lighting?

easily irritated by noises, lighting in a crowded store; not easily irritated by smells, tastes, or noises, etc.; enjoy amusement parks, fairs, etc. can wear clothing of any texture; rarely notice changes in temperature				a child crying or asking questions in a loud voice can drive you wild very particular about how clothing "feels"
1	2	3	4	5
low sensitivity				high sensitivity

If you are a highly sensitive individual, any sensation – a child's shriek, glaring lights, a noxious smell, or a slight rattle – has the potential to trigger you. All five senses may not pose a challenge for you; for instance, you might be bothered by lights but not smells. But whatever offends you does so profoundly. It's nearly impossible to listen to your child or to soothe him when the tags in the back of your shirt are driving you wild, or the person next to you is cracking her gum. Add to all the potential sensorial assaults a mess like dirty dishes sitting on the counter, or toys, shoes, and clothes all over the floor, and your intensity rises very quickly. It's likely, however, that all your life you've been told you were too sensitive or picky. So now when you start to feel bombarded, too hot, or irritated by the noises around you, you get frustrated with yourself for being so sensitive. As a result you may be tempted to ignore or deny your feelings until they overwhelm you.

And if your child is also sensitive, you may feel as though your worst nightmare is occurring. You don't want her to suffer the ridicule you've experienced, so you do your best to stop her from being so sensitive.

If you're a highly sensitive adult, be kind to yourself. Try to remember that high stimulation levels make it very difficult for you to focus on your child. It takes all of your energy simply to manage your own strong reactions to the stimuli. In order to keep your cool and stay connected with your child, monitor stimulation levels and their effects on you closely. Shop during "quiet times" whenever possible. Know when to take a break; leave that family gathering, shopping center, or amusement park before you're at your limit. Don't let tags, harsh lighting, or weird noises send you over the edge and pull you into fights with your kids that would never happen if you weren't on stimulation overload.

Most important, appreciate your sensitivity and your child's. Celebrate it! You are who you are. Recognize that it is your sensitivity that allows you to monitor the emotions of others: Few things escape your notice. You sense a problem and can potentially take preventive actions before things get out of hand – if you'll respect and listen to your keen senses.

There's little that will trigger individuals on the low end of the sensitivity continuum. It's easy for you to stay calm and focused even in the most stimulating environments. You can breeze through a shopping mall for hours without feeling barraged.

But sometimes it's hard to be patient or to understand why the texture of meat makes your child gag, or why his shoes have to be tied just right. And you really do not appreciate it when your sensitive child keeps turning down your radio or television because for her it's too loud.

Your greatest challenge is to become aware of sensory stimuli that may trigger your child. Because you do not personally experience the sensations your highly sensitive child does, it may be easy for you to miss potential triggers. Even when you don't sense it, try to affirm you child's feeling. Believe her and be willing to leave when she tells you that she cannot eat in a restaurant because the smell of jalepenos is making her sick. Understand, too, that going to the movie theater, amusement park, or mall is an endurance test, not fun for highly sensitive people. Your sensitive child is not trying to control you when she asks to go home. Truly, the stimuli are driving her wild. And do cut the tags out of her clothing, find socks without seams, and buy jackets that feel right. She's not just trying to make you late in the morning; the sensations these articles of clothing create can be unbearable to her.

3. Adaptability
How easily do you shift from one activity or idea to another? How easily do you adapt to surprises or changes in your schedule?

easily cope with surprises easily change plans shift easily from one activity to another adjust quickly to changes in routine or schedule				drained by the constant surprises you face as a parent find changing plans distressful find shifting from one activity to another difficult find changes in your routine or plans frustrating
1	2	3	4	5
adapts quickly				adapts slowly

"Organized" and "predictable" are words that describe individuals who need time to adapt. It's easy for you to establish routines and rituals for morning and bedtime because you like them. If you know what's expected ahead of time, you have little problem adapting to changes. You're less likely to overprogram your child or fill your day with multiple transitions because you don't like them. You like to stay focused and enjoy the moment.

If you're a parent who's slow to adapt, you'll get pulled into power struggles when you're rushed or surprised. Unexpected meetings or appointments, a child who needs pants ironed or a diaper changed at the last minute, or discovering that the car is out of gas are all things that can upset you. You don't want to change your plans and may attempt to stick to your schedule no matter what! That means that when the school nurse calls and says your child needs to be checked for pinkeye today, you schedule the appointment on top of the normal piano lessons, rather than canceling the lessons for that week. The result is chaos, kids and parents on overload shrieking as you all dash down the highway.

Slow adaptability can also pull you into power struggles when your child changes the plans on you. You pick her up from school expecting to have a quiet evening at home. She wants to go swimming at the YMCA with her friends. Rather than shift, your first reaction may be to say no, and the fight begins.

If you are a slow-to-adapt parent, know that the more prepared you are, the easier it is for you to be an emotion coach. Set your clock ten minutes ahead so you always have a few extra minutes and won't feel so rushed. Talk with your kids about the day ahead. Share your plans and ask them theirs. Teach your children to avoid surprising you by asking the night before for your help ironing an outfit or packing a lunch. The more surprises you can avoid, the more energy you'll have to be there for your child. When you are surprised, remember to try to pause, take a deep breath, and tell yourself, "This is a transition. Transitions are tough on me, but I can choose how I wish to respond to this one," then decide if you need to shift and how you want to do it.

If you're a quick-to adapt individual, you don't have much trouble with transitions. You are very flexible and are comfortable switching plans; the last minute. You might even find the changes invigorating. You're triggered by those who need more time to adapt. You'd like them to hurry! Your first challenge is to recognize transitions. You probably don't think about them, or how many are in your day, because they don't bother you. Try to remember and accept that others, especially your slow-to-adapt child, can't transition as quickly as you can. She needs you to avoid surprising her. If you will simply forewarn her, am give her time to shift, you can win her cooperation and eliminate the power struggles tied to transitions. When you are quick to adapt, you child may also need a more predictable schedule than you're providing Remember, too, that spontaneity and surprises are not fun for family-members who need time to adapt!

4. Intensity
How strong are your emotional reactions?

other people often don't know how you feel other people describe you as calm experience you are not easily triggered by the intensity of others not easily frustrated				experience every emotino deeply and powerfully others try to convince you to let go of an emotion easily triggered by the intensity of others easily frustrated
1	2	3	4	5
mild reactions				intense reactions

Intense individuals parent with gusto! You are passionate and zestful, and everything you do is done with intensity. Your child is loved deeply. When you've hit your limit it's clear – you yell loudly. And there's no stopping you when you're on a role. You get a lot done!

You realize you've always had strong reactions and because of that you have to work harder not to get triggered. Preventive actions are essential. Regular exercise, frequent breaks, and calming activities need to be part of your day in order to help you manage those strong reactions. Monitor your stress level and your child's because when she gets upset, she can fuel your emotions as well. Because you are intense, your child may never know when you're going to "blow." Remembering to pause helps you to continue listening to your child rather than shutting down or striking out.

If you're not an intense individual, you have a much easier time keeping your cool. It takes a lot to get you going. You tend to be calm. Your challenge is to let your child know you are excited about, happy for, or proud of him. Your demeanor may also be so calm that he doesn't realize when you are angry or really serious about a limit. You have to remember to be passionate about your standards!

5. Regularity
How regular are your eating, sleeping, and eliminating patterns?

need to eat at specific times wake at the same time even if you went to bed later than usual find shifting time zones or to daylight savings time challenging find it difficult to understand how some people can skip meals				easily skip meals or change mealtimes easily adapt bed-or wake times easily adjust to changes in time zones find it difficult to understand why some people have to eat at specific times
1	2	3	4	5
very regular individual				irregular individual

Regularity is an interesting trait because there are lots of triggers on both ends of the continuum. If you are an irregular individual, you're flexible. You probably find travel very easy. Switching time zones doesn't faze you. You can sleep and eat, or you can wait if necessary. You realize that being woken at night doesn't exhaust you as much as others. And when a child goes two days without a bowel movement, you don't panic. You know this can be normal.

Your challenge is to work with your regular child. It can be very difficult to understand why he can't wait thirty minutes for a meal and demands to eat something now! Or why he can't delay his bedtime or nap to fit with your schedule for the day. It's the schedules and the structure they provide for your child that can frustrate you the most. Since you are most comfortable eating when you're hungry, mealtimes may be unpredictable in your home. And because you're not necessarily hungry even if you're preparing meals, you might not sit down with your child, which may lead to a kid trying desperately to get your full attention. Bedtimes may vary widely as well, resulting in struggles with a child who isn't tired or one who's overtired because his body is never quite sure when sleep time is. While you'll never feel comfortable with the schedules your regular counterparts naturally fall into, you may need to provide your child with a bit more structure. Plan times in the day when your family can connect and be predictable enough so that your child can work with you.

If you're a regular person, you're more predictable. It's likely that your routines are well established. Your child knows exactly when the family will be eating and when nap time and bedtime are. That routine can create a sense of security for him.

But it's frustrating to you when you've got that irregular child who doesn't fall easily into your pattern. You are triggered when your routines are disrupted. You need to eat at set times; otherwise, you get a headache or feel sick. It's hard to be an effective emoting coach when you're feeling faint. If your child hasn't fallen asleep by the prescribed time, you're exhausted. Hanging on for another hour can be torture. And a child who skips meals or has irregular bowel movements can make you hyperventilate. It's hard to understand how this could happen since you can't imagine skipping a meal, or having irregular bowel movements.

When we understand our own and our child's pattern, we are better able to stay out of power struggles!

6. Activity Level
How active are you?

find it easy to sit still for long periods of time quiet and quiescent can take or leave exercise like to stroll				find sitting for a long period of time exhausting frequently fidget need regular exercise prefer to move briskly
1	2	3	4	5
low activity level				high activity level

Highly active parents have the energy to keep up with busy kids. You enjoy physical activities with your kids and stop frequently when traveling because you need the release as much as the kids do. You understand the strain of sitting quietly through a long religious service and are even relieved to step outside with the high-energy toddler.

It's inactivity that can trigger you. You have a tough time understanding the child who would rather sit than go play ball with you. You're happiest when you're busy and on the move. A "to do" list often runs through your head, especially if you're persistent, too. That's why sitting quietly with a sick child or reading three bedtime stories can be taxing for you. It's hard for you to stop and totally focus on your child. And when forced to sit for long periods of time, like on a plan or in a restaurant with slow service, your intensity rises right along with your high-energy child.

Low-activity parents tend to be more laid back. You can sit for hours reading, rocking, and holding your child. You don't have to be busy t be happy. Your child knows you're there to come and cuddle with.

Your challenge is to keep up with active kids. They can wear you out. Rest times during the day are just as important to you as to your child. You need some downtime! Trying to keep up with a busy kid and on who refuses to sit quietly in a restaurant can be frustrating. Why, you wonder, can't she sit still like me?

7. First Reaction
What's your first reaction to any new idea, place, thing, or activity?

quickly decide what you like and dislike jump at the chance to try new things like to quickly join in an activity usually agree to let your child try something new				need time to decide whether you really like something or not prefer a more cautious approach to anything new prefer to watch before joining in tend to initially say no when your child wants to try something new
1	2	3	4	5
jumps in				cautious first reaction

Those who have a cautious first reaction like to think before they respond. You're not intrusive. You don't push your child into new things without thinking it through first. You can understand your child's need to watch before jumping into things and are willing to give him a second chance. Once you're comfortable you're just fine and others enjoy your company. But new situations make you uncomfortable. You can actually feel the adrenaline surging through your system when faced with something new. Initially you have to deal with your own reaction, which makes you less available to your child. You also know you've had to cope with a cautious first reaction all of your life and hate to see your child having to work through it, too. If your parents didn't understand your caution, they may not have been able to teach you the steps to take in order for you to feel comfortable entering new situations. Now you're trying to teach your child, and you're not quite sure how. Or you might be tempted to send a strong message – "DON'T be this way!" – and push, even though you know it's not what your child needs. And because you are cautious, when your child asks you if she can do something, it's likely that your first answer will be no!

If you can appreciate your caution and allow yourself and your child to move slowly into new situations, you'll have more energy available for your child. And a simple response, like "Let me think about that," can prevent you from unwittingly falling into struggles with the kid who doesn't take no for an answer.

Bold individuals feel comfortable exploring and discovering because they do not experience strong physiological reactions in new situations. When John Glenn first blasted into space, his pulse rate rose only to 110 beats per minute, in contrast to the 170 of a colleague on an earlier flight. Unlike their more cautious counterparts, people who enjoy jumping into things don't get that rush of hormones that tells them to watch out. As a result, living with them is often an adventure. They like to expose their children to new experiences and opportunities.

If you prefer to jump into new situations quickly, your challenge is to understand that new situations can be stressful, especially if your child is a cautious kid. He needs time to watch before joining an activity, which might be difficult for you to accept. And because you're comfortable jumping in, you may move in so quickly that your child, especially a preadolescent or teen, may find your actions a bit invasive. Teach yourself to pause before you jump in to solve a problem for your child. And think about how many new things you're signing your child up for. These actions can reduce the number of power struggles you experience.

Putting It All Together
Now you have it, a picture of your first and most natural reactions. When you understand your own style and your own emotions, it's much easier for you to recognize your triggers, understand those of your child, and find ways to work together. So go back and total your score. Remember there isn't a good or bad temperament. Every style has its strengths and weaknesses.

Total Score

7-14	15-25	26-35
low-key	spunky	spirited
emotion coach	emotion coach	emotion coach

Once you've figured out your total score, select your top two "trigger traits." These are the traits that are most important for you to honor. The emotions and needs tied to these traits must be recognized and met on a daily basis; otherwise, you get drained and pulled into power struggles.

For example, if you know that you are very persistent, it is critical that you plan in your day the opportunity to finish something. You will be more able to deal with the interruptions of your day if you can tell yourself you've accomplished at least one thing.

Or perhaps you know you are very regular. Plan your meals, don't skip them. If you skip a meal, two hours later you're likely to lose your cool. Managing intensity in the face of hunger is a huge effort for people who are temperamentally regular.

If you're intense and active, plan exercise into your day. It's when you know yourself, understand, and accept your emotions and needs that you can open yourself to your child's.

Savor Your Success
Jessica honored her temperament and turned a potential blowup into a successful outing. "I took my four-year-old and his friend to the Children's Museum," she told us in class one day. "I take them their frequently, but on this day it was jammed. There must have been five hundred school-age kids, many of them almost too old to be then The noise and commotion were overwhelming. When we did the temperament charts, I had selected sensitivity as my trigger trait, but I didn't figure out that I wasn't going to make it through the museum until we were on the top floor. That's when I realized my intensity was rising. I couldn't focus on the kids. I knew I needed to leave while still had the energy to negotiate with them, get them three floors down, walk them across the parking lot, and get them into the car. I remember thinking, How can we get out of this building without major fight?

"I told the kids, 'It's getting close to lunch and it's too crowded in here. It's time to leave.' We have a rule that if you leave a place nice you can go back. Alex knows that, but he's persistent, and that day didn't work. He had a list of three things he wanted to do. 'Let's try two things,' I said, 'and then leave.' We did that, but he couldn't contain his energy. It was too much to expect him to say, 'Okay, let's go,' but I could tell I was running out of energy to cope. We just had to go. 'Finally, desperation, I pulled a coupon out of my purse for a toy store. I said 'Oh look, we have a ticket to the toy store. We have to go there right now before it closes. I'll bring you back here next week when it's quieter.' It worked. I felt all right about it because I didn't bribe him. I simply gave him information about the next thing that we would do knowing that it would interest him. We often visit the toy store, but we don't buy. He knows that. We did get out of that building and our fun outing didn't disintegrate into a power struggle because I recognized my trigger and made the decision to get out while I could still hold it together."

Understanding and working with your temperament allows you to identify your emotions and manage them. Often you've been told you should be able to block the noise or skip the meal. It's when you listen to yourself, accept your style, and work with it that you can truly connect not only with your child but with the essence of who you are as well

Coaching Tips

• Know yourself.
• Accept yourself.
• Honor your feelings.
• Identify your triggers.
• Celebrate the person who lives inside of you.
• Learn more about temperament.
• Read my book Raising Your Spirited Child.
• Listen to your feelings.
• Exercise.
• If you're persistent, allow yourself to finish something every day.
• If you're sensitive, avoid overstimulating circumstances.
• If you don't like surprises, plan your day.