Your Child's Behavior Away from Home
You send your child out into the world (scrubbed, neat, and shining like the sun, though that's never certain), and from the time she's very little, she's got a life of her own. Friendships, rivalries, heartbreak, love—it all happens and happens again and again, beginning early in childhood. You can support your child's struggles, but you have little control over what happens in her life.
Not all is muddy and unclear. You may get a glimmer of what is going on from your child (depending upon the strength of your communication relationship, her temperament, your temperament, and her age). You may get a sense from watching her with her friends and peers. You may also occasionally hear something from another parent. Often it will be good, occasionally it won't be.
Problems at a Friend's House
It's not a good feeling when your child's friend's parent approaches you with, “Sarah had a little problem today,” or, “I need to talk with you about Todd's behavior this afternoon.” You need to determine:
- What happened. This entails hearing the story from a couple of sides, including your child's, and keeping your cool.
- How the other parent handled it. Did the other family “discipline” her, and do you approve of their approach? Did they have your permission?
- Whether or not you'll live through the embarrassment of having your kid behave so badly. You will.
Other Parents and Discipline
For small matters—the kids are squabbling over a toy and the friend's parent removes it, your kid hits the other and the parent reprimands him, or the kids make a mess and they are required to clean it up—there's no question that the parent in charge should handle the problem. By agreeing that the other parent is caring for your child, you've put that parent in a position of authority, and the parent should be able to assert that authority without it being judged by you.
For serious concerns, the other parent should let you handle your own child's discipline. If there is a serious problem, it's up to the other parent to contact you, not deal with it alone. And nobody should ever hit, verbally abuse, or severely punish your child.
If your child has gotten “into trouble” at a friend's house, you'll need to talk with him about it, and possibly impose consequences (once you've gotten home). But don't apply consequences for the crime of having gotten into trouble, too—that's double-dipping.
Behave Yourself!
Want your child to feel relaxed and self-confident? Expect the best at home! Manners take practice, and unless a child practices at home, he'll have a hard time holding his fork correctly, for example, when he's out. And, unless manners are second-nature for a child, he'll feel self-conscious and uncomfortable trying to use them in public.
Events, Shows, Parties
What about your child's behavior when he's out with you in public? Some parents feel very comfortable taking their kids to the opera, a trade show, or a cocktail party. If you start young, and make the family rules very clear and nonnegotiable in terms of rudeness and noise-making in public, you'll end up with a child comfortable in almost any setting.
- Keep your expectations clear. If your child is acting up and disturbing others, take him out. Immediately.
- Modeling counts here, big time. Train your child by example as well as by experience.
- Be a hands-on parent and don't relinquish responsibility for your child just because there are other adults there engaging him.
Restaurant Rowdiness
What a combo—a hungry child trapped in a small space, waiting for food, forced to be quiet. Some kids are fine in restaurants, even the most solemn and ornate ones. For other kids (the high-energy ones), you might as well chain them to the wall, it's that uncomfortable. At their worst, kids in restaurants can become the opposite of well behaved. You, the parent, can have the opposite of a relaxed, calm dinner. The chances for humiliation are endless.
Luckily, while restaurant nightmares happen, they happen less frequently than you might think, and there are many ways to avoid unhappiness and disaster. The rule of the public child comes into play here. Here are some restaurant survival tips:
- Almost any restaurant is fine to take your child to. Don't feel restricted to just fast-food joints, coffee shops, or pizza parlors. If your child is not very restaurant experienced, hold off on the fancy, romantic, candle-lit ones until she's learned the restaurant ropes.
- Don't take your child to a restaurant when she's hungry. This is totally counter-intuitive, I know; after all, you go to a restaurant to get fed, but a hungry kid is rarely as well behaved as you like. The solution? Snacks in the car, just enough to take the edge off. There's often bread at the table, too.
- Bring toys, books, and coloring books for the long wait until food arrives.
- Let your child eat what she wants to eat (within reason, of course).
- Order some “safe” things (well, there's always the bread), but encourage your child to taste at least one new thing.
- Encourage, encourage, encourage.
- At the least sign of trouble, out you go for a walk until the food arrives. This is mostly true with babies and toddlers, but there are eight-year-olds who lose it and need a break.
Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Well-Behaved Child © 1999 by Ericka Lutz. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
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