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Too Sensitive or Analytical: How We Make Decisions

"Naw . . . tellin' the truth is good, Joey. I just overdid it a little."
– From Dennis the Menace, by Hank Ketcham

Thinkers and Feelers Are Born, Not Made
"We can't go home yet!" Jennifer wailed when her mother told her they'd run out of time shopping at the mall and needed to leave to pick up her dad from the office. "But you promised I could buy a toy. You said it's important to tell the truth and keep our promises!" Jennifer continued. "We can call Dad and tell him we'll be late picking him up. You promised!" Thinkers use logic to make a decision and solve problems. They convince others by "proving" their point. Thinkers also need to understand "why" to feel comfortable, and are easily upset if they make a mistake or fail. When their team loses, they need to analyze what could have been done better and to lay out a plan for winning next time.

Feelers make decisions by considering the impact on other people. They convince others through persuasion. If Jennifer's sibling was a feeler, she'd probably say something like, "Jennifer, let's go get Daddy. He's got more money and then we can buy a bigger toy!" Feelers need harmony to feel comfortable, and are upset by conflict. If their team loses, their first response is to cheer everyone up.

During the preschool years, children explore their preference for thinking and feeling. All children will explore both preferences, but during the school years they will begin to find that they prefer one style over the other. This preference is as innate to a child as gender or eye color.

When your child is upset or needs direction, it becomes especially important to respond to her preferred type. If your child is a feeler, she needs your sympathy and empathy in order to hear you. If you try facts and logic or move into a solution too quickly, you'll set her off and disconnect. If your child is a thinker, she may pull away from your warm hug or tell you to "cut the sympathy" and help her fix the problem instead. Knowing whether you and your child need to deal with facts or feelings first is essential for effective emotion coaching; otherwise you can unwittingly pull yourself into power struggles.

Identifying Your Preferred Style
It is possible to do a formal assessment of your child's preferences, but we're going to let your child's words and actions give you the information you need. If you watch and listen closely, your child will show you whether she is using her thinking or feeling preference. This awareness will help you know where to start when things are sizzling. Think, too, about your own preferences. How you and your child work together is most important.

If your child is a thinker she probably:

__ is an excellent critical thinker who is able to quickly analyze the facts; see the flaws in ideas, people, or things; and can't resist offering solutions or suggestions for improvement (e.g., "You're holding the gerbil the wrong way"). Logic guides her decisions.

__ finds it easier to explain what happened than how she feels about it.

__ needs to know "why" things are done and loves a good debate. This is the child who gets into trouble for taking an opposing stance or for asking, "Why do I have to do that?" She becomes upset if you answer, "Because I said so!"

__ values justice and becomes alarmed if something is unfair. When playing a game, she will insist that everyone plays by the rules, even if that means someone is "out." She is incensed if you break a promise.

__ hates to feel incompetent and becomes upset if you try to review her mistakes with her or suggest other strategies.

__ does not want to talk about feelings when she is upset and may reject your comforting hug, cover her ears with her hands, and refuse to talk at all.

__highly values truth and may get into trouble for being too blunt.

When asked to be more tactful, she may say, "Do you want me to lie?" If your child is a feeler he probably:

__ is very sensitive, experiencing strong emotional reactions to anything, including sad movies, and hurt feelings. He is also very aware of the emotions of others. As a result he may feel great about winning a game, but worry about how the loser feels.

__ needs to work through his emotions before he is ready to problem solve and may say something like, "I got a C on my math test. I'll never be accepted into college. What good would a tutor do? I'm a complete failure."

__ highly values harmony and will avoid confrontation or conflict even if it means giving up a toy or letting someone else make the choice.

__ may experience stomachaches or headaches if there is conflict at home or in the classroom.

__ is easily hurt by criticism and may immediately ask if you love him when you reprimand him.

__ is deeply concerned with how decisions affect others and may change the rules of the game if following them would mean someone was "out."

__ needs to know others like him in order to perform well.

Count how many statements in each group describe your child's typical reaction.

Thinking statements __
Feeling statements __

Your child doesn't get into power struggles with himself. So go back through the statements and this time check the ones that fit you best. What's your total?

Thinking statements __
Feeling statements __

If you are uncertain of your child's preferred style after reading through the statements, you may need to tune in more closely in the next few weeks. Watch and listen carefully, and he will show you his preference.

Remember these traits are on a continuum. You and your child may demonstrate a very strong preference or a mild one and can also learn to use both. Ultimately, the best decisions are those that consider both facts and feelings. We just need to remember that the thinking types work best when they can analyze the facts first, and the feeling types need that Band-Aid on their feelings before they're ready to problem solve with you.

Coaching Your Thinking Child
While every individual is unique, there are some common strategies that can help you stay connected to your thinking child and avoid power struggles.

1. Deal with the Facts First
It's the thinking types who tend to stand back from a situation, look at the facts, take an objective view of the situation, and come up with solution. Their decisions are guided by logic. The image that comes to my mind is that of a cat approaching a puddle. When a cat approaches a puddle, it prowls the edges, slapping the surface with one paw, testing, jumping back, pulling away. It's edgy, wary of jumping in. When upset, thinking kids like to step away from their feelings, which means they sometimes may not address the feelings that are truly fueling the problem. That's what happened to Ben.

He was a thinker who wanted to win a place on the student council. But that day at school he'd overheard other kids saying they were going to vote for Nathan. Frustrated and scared, his anxiety rose. He didn't want to lose! But even more than that, he didn't want to cry, nor did he want to admit his feelings of vulnerability. By the time he got home a volcano was brewing inside of him. His mother noticed it and tried to offer him a hug, but he pushed away from her. When his brother wouldn't give him a turn shooting the basketball, he attacked. His mother had to pull him off his brother and send him into the shower to cool off. An hour later, as she sat by him in his room, she asked him why he'd been so upset, but he couldn't tell her. She tried once again to offer him a hug, but he pushed her away. Frustrated, she started to reprimand him. How could she help him if he wouldn't let her? Then suddenly she remembered the discussions in class about thinkers and feelers, and realized that her son was responding as a thinker. Immediately she switched tactics and said, "Tell me what happened." Ben started describing the conversations he'd overheard at school. "I want to win!" he declared. "Nathan's giving out suckers and all the kids are saying they'll vote for him. It isn't fair."

It's the thinking child who covers her ears and turns away from you when you try to talk feelings with her, especially if she also prefers introversion. In fact, if you attempt to give her a hug or discuss the feelings when her intensity is high, she may strike out at you either with her fists or with words. She doesn't want to go into those feelings at first. She prefers to stand back and look at the situation more logically. If your child rejects your overtures of sympathy, simply say, "Tell me what happened." If that doesn't work, try asking questions: "Did someone say something you didn't like?" Or, "Was something unfair?" Stick to the facts, even if your first inclination is to teach her about feelings and relationships with others. Later you can deal with the emotions and teach her that it's not all right to attack others when she's frustrated or scared.

2. Let Them Feel Competent
When Kim saved her five-year-old son from being hit by a swing, instead of being grateful, he demanded to know why she had done it. In fact, he pulled away from her warm hug and walked back past the swing! "If I hadn't known he was a thinker," she said, "I would have been furious, but I realized he hates to look incompetent and by 'saving him,' when other kids were watching, I'd embarrassed him. He had to prove that he could handle it."

Thinking kids do not want to feel incompetent. They highly value achievement and as a result are often their own toughest critic. That's why criticism given after a situation upsets them deeply. They hate to review their mistakes. When you try to discipline them or practice a different response with them, they may tell you that you are the meanest parent in the world, refuse to listen, or explain in detail why the actions were correct.

In order to keep them working with you, set goals before they start a activity. For example, you might say, "You're running for student council. Here's the plan. If you win, it's important that you be courteous to the losers and tell them that they ran a good race. If you lose, you need to congratulate the winner. When you come home, if you're feeling badly, you can go for a run or take a break in your room, but you can't come home and yell at us."

If you do need to review a situation, you might say, "What happened today can't happen again. Let's talk about what we can do different next time." Then focus on setting up a plan for the future! Avoid dwelling on past mistakes or you will lose your thinking child.

And don't forget to validate her competence. When Helen returned from a walk with her neighbor, she found her nine-year-old daughter, Janey, crying and screaming hysterically at several neighborhood children. The other kids were arguing that Janey had pushed another child into the water. Janey was screaming, "No, I didn't. I didn't do anything wrong. This isn't fair!" Helen recognized a thinking kid in action. "I realized that Janey would argue to the death," she said. "I was afraid she'd end up alienating, the entire neighborhood, so I dragged her into the house away from the commotion. I wanted to talk with her about the importance of getting along with others, but I knew if I started there she just get more upset. I remembered how important it is for her to feel competent, so to calm her I said, 'You're someone who really values truth. That's such a great quality, an important characteristic. You have the courage to stand up for what you believe. The world needs people like you.' She calmed down immediately, and I knew that later I could teach her that maybe next time instead of shouting 'That's not true!' she might say, 'I'm sorry if you thought I pushed you; I never intended to.' Or, 'That's not the way I saw it, but I'm sorry if you did.'"

When you're working with your thinking child, make your comments specific. General praise is suspect to her. She wants to know specifically what you like or what she has done well. Comments like "Great idea" or "You jumped one hundred times" mean much more to this child than "Super!"

Thinking kids need direct coaching when it comes to identifying and acknowledging feelings, especially those that make them feel vulnerable. Admitting that they made a mistake or apologizing takes a great deal of effort. You'll have to teach them how important it is to do so and then help them to do it.

3. Justly Apply Rules
Three children were playing at the Play-Doh table. I was a visitor and didn't know the rules. So when another child came to the table, I asked "Does anyone have extra Play-Doh so Alyssa can play, too?" Clair turned to me and matter-of-factly informed me, "The rule is only three children may be at the Play-Doh table at one time. Alyssa will have to wait."

Thinking kids value justice. They become alarmed if rules are changed or something seems unfair. The principle of fairness is very important. When playing a game, thinking kids will insist that everyone play by the rules even if that decision means that someone is out or unhappy. Statements like, "You don't like it when the rules are changed" can be very effective. If your child rejects your statements, try using questions like, "How did you see it?" or, "Are you trying to understand why the rule was changed?"

In school, it's essential that thinking kids know the criteria for evaluation and grades. They also need to know what the rules are and that they will be enforced for all kids.

It's the "gray" situations that can throw off the thinking kid. He likes to focus on the facts. Sometimes you have to teach him directly the importance of considering the feelings of others and adjusting those rules, when doing so would not hurt the good of the group.

Twelve-year-old Lindsey had been very focused on facts. "Feelings don't matter," she declared to her mother. "A rule is a rule. If you're out. You're out. That's it." Her mother realized there were times that adjusting for the feelings and needs of others was important, so she said to Lindsey, "I know you've moved your bedroom downstairs and have is all set up, but your brother's coming home from college and the fact is he's older than you and has lots of stuff. I think you should move back upstairs to the smaller room and he should have the larger room downstairs for the summer." "That's not fair!" Lindsey declared. "I worked hard setting that room up. It's mine."

"But the fact is he's older," her mother continued, "and he has more stuff."

"That's not fair!" Lindsey protested again.

"Oh, so you would like me to consider your feelings in making this decision?" her mother asked.

"Of course!" Lindsey declared.

"So feelings matter?" her mother asked.

Lindsey huffed and puffed, but ultimately realized from her mother's example that some rules are "gray" and that it really is important to consider the feelings of those involved and adjust them accordingly.

4. Explain Why
"Look at the big white snowman," Joe remarked to his six-year-old daughter as they drove by. "It's black," she retorted. Later he said, "It's time to go to bed." "But why do I have to go to bed?" she questioned. "Because we have to get up early for work and school," he replied. "But why do we have to go to school and work?" she asked.

It's the thinking kids who can often pull you into what feels like an intellectual trap. A good debate can be pure joy for thinking children. They may freely choose to take an opposing position simply to check it out. It's important to remember that when they are asking questions, they aren't just debating, they are trying to clarify the facts, analyze them, and understand why. They are offended if you respond to their "Why" by saying, "Because I said so." Firm-minded and unwilling to accept an answer until the facts prove it or until they fully understand an issue, it's often the thinking kids who get into trouble for questioning authority. That's what happened to Victoria.

She was six and in trouble when her mother called me. "It's the 'mouth,'" she said. This time the teacher had said, "Victoria, the order for your shorts came in, put them in your backpack." Victoria was a competent kid who prided herself in knowing what was going on in her life. Her mother had not told her to expect an order. She responded to her teacher by planting her feet, folding her arms, and stating firmly, "Those are not my shorts!"

Offended by her tone, the teacher replied, "Victoria, these are your shorts. Put them in your backpack now!"

Not easily swayed from her position, Victoria held her ground, repeating, "They're not mine!"

The teacher charged on, "Victoria, put the shorts in your backpack and sit down!"

At this point Victoria, knowing that physical might was not in her favor, complied, but the battle was not over. Walking to the cloakroom she mumbled, "Fine, but they're not mine!"

The teacher called her mother. Her mother called me. "Help," she declared. "How do I teach my daughter to back off?"

How different this scenario might have been if the teacher had recognized a thinking kid and had said something like, "Oh, you didn't expect this order. The shorts came on a back order. I was surprised, too. Would you like to check the address label? Or would you like to call your mother and check with her?" Later, when the intensity was down, the teacher could have talked to Victoria about the importance of a respectful tone and given her more suitable words to use that wouldn't "push buttons" for adults. How much better if Victoria had known to say, "I wasn't expecting an order; may I check with my mother?"

Understanding why is very important for the child using his thinking preference.

5. Teach to Be Truthful and Tactful
Kelsey's friend was terribly upset that she'd gotten into trouble for forgetting an assignment. Kelsey listened to her woes and then responded, "Maybe you should have written it down." Kelsey's mother was mortified. "How can she be so insensitive?" she asked. "Kelsey has very strong feelings herself; doesn't she care about those of others?"

Because they value truth, thinking kids can get into trouble for being blunt. They tend to step back, analyze a situation, and matter-of-factly respond. They don't mean to hurt someone's feelings; they are just looking for solutions and being honest about what they perceive to be the facts.

During class one night, Dave started to laugh. "My son must be a thinking kid," he said. "The father of a neighbor died, and I had my kids write sympathy notes. Kenna, my little feeler, wrote, 'Dear Dick, I'm very sorry that Grandpa Dan had to die. I loved to ride in the golf cart with him.' Brad, my thinking kid, wrote, 'Dear Dick, I didn't know him as well as everybody else. I remember him driving the golf cart. I was too young to remember riding on the tractor with him, but my mom told me I did. That's it for memories from me.'

"I thought he could do a little better then that," Dave said "so I said to him, How about a little more compassion?" He responded, 'Dad, do you want me to lie? I really didn't know him very well.'"

You can count on factual kids to be straightforward and may have to teach them specific phrases like, "That's interesting," instead of, "That's stupid." Or, "I didn't see it that way, but I understand that you did," instead of, "You're wrong!"

Coaching Your Feeling Child
Communicating with feeling kids requires a very different approach from the one that thinking kids need. In order to keep them working with you and to help them understand their emotions, feeling kids need these types of responses.

1. Validate Their Feelings
Eleven-year-old Jason was sitting all alone in his room when I walked in. I knew there had been a conflict with his friends, so I asked him what had happened. When he told me, I temporarily forgot everything I've ever known about individual differences and totally discounted his feelings by remarking, "Oh, Jason, those are your friends. I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You need to go and tell them they hurt your feelings so that they won't do it again." Fortunately Jason was a very forgiving child. He didn't blow up on me. Instead he lamented "I know, Mary, everyone always tells me that I need to go and talk with them. But right now I'm feeling so sad, would it be all right just to be miserable for a while?"

What Jason taught me at that moment was that feeling kids need to climb into those emotions, wrap them around, and thrash in them before they're ready to let them go. If you're a factual person, you may feel their response is an overreaction or that they are being too sensitive and emotional. But telling them to ignore their feeling or stop feeling that way doesn't work. They have to experience that disappointment and frustration before they are ready to problem solve with you or listen to your advice. When you respond empathetically, they'll work with you. If you try to talk them out of their feelings, their intensity will sky-rocket.

In order to stay connected, you might say something that invites your child to share with you how she is feeling, like, "I'm so sorry that happened." Or ask questions like, "Is it upsetting you that someone's feelings were hurt?" "Did that hurt your feelings?" "Would you like a hug?" Or "Is the fighting bothering you?" As you work with her, step into her emotion to connect and explore those feelings with her. Avoid minimizing or discounting the emotion, or you'll miss its importance and depth. Hold your advice for later. Remember, if your child is an introvert, you'll have to give her time for reflection before she'll be ready to talk with you.

Irene found this information very helpful. Her three-year-old son had been a terror to get dressed. "He can't make up his mind," she complained. Since she was a factual person, initially she had tried logic as she worked with him. "I told him," she said, "'Either you choose, or Mommy will choose.'" When he couldn't make a choice, she'd say, "Okay, Mommy will make it for you." He'd end up a screaming heap on the floor. "Now I realize he's a real feeling kid. So the other morning, instead of being my rational self, I stopped and said to him, 'It's frustrating when you can't make a decision.' He listened and stopped fussing."

If you are an introvert or a more factual person yourself, and your feeling child's venting is exhausting you, you can let her know your limits and encourage her to find other listeners besides you. Remember, too, that not every emotion needs a solution; it may simply need to be expressed.

According to Myers and Briggs, about 40 percent of males and 60 percent of females are feelers. If you have a feeling son, it's important to recognize his preference. He's dealing not only with his strong emotions, but also with societal stereotypes of what it means to be "a guy."

2. Find Solutions That "Feel" Right for Everyone Involved
Children who prefer to sort through the feelings first are very aware of the body language and nonverbal communication of others. They are so observant and perceptive that they'll notice the slightest expression or movement. For example, your son may tell you his teacher has "yelling" eyes. When you look closely, you'll realize she does! Even if your child is not the child being yelled at in class, he may be the one who is suffering from headaches and stomachaches. The conflict in the classroom upsets him.

Because they are so aware of emotions, feeling children strongly consider the impact of their decisions on other people. At school or on the playground, they're the children who give up the toy rather than fight for it. They are the children who change the rules to ensure that everyone can stay in the game or will get a turn, which infuriates their more factual counterparts and leads to accusations that they're cheating. They may also get into trouble for "fudging" the facts or using lots of words if they feel the truth will upset you. That's what happened to Kate's daughter.

"She's incredibly sensitive," Kate told us. "Courtney doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Last year she wanted to quit piano, but she couldn't bear to tell me. So she wrote me a note that said, 'I really want to quit. I hate it. I'm crying as I write this note, but if you really want me to continue, I will.'"

I suspect Bobby McFerrin is a feeler, too. When he first started con ducting the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, he admitted in an interview that he found the task very difficult. "I could sing for them the way I wanted them to sound," he said, "but there were times I actually needed to tell them things. I sought the counsel of one of the members. She told me, 'Go ahead and tell us what you want. We're used to being told what to do.' He was amazed. 'You mean,' he remarked, 'that I can just say I want it this way and I don't have to worry that the second chair trumpet player won't like me?'"

How decisions affect others is very important to the feeling individual. That's why it's essential that as you problem solve with them you take the time to look at each possible solution and make sure it feels right for everyone involved. Kate found this to be true with her daughter Christine.

Christine's classmates complained about her sloppy work habits. She was keeping too many things on their shared work table, they said. Christine told them she understood and would try to work on it. "They hurt my feelings," she told her mother. "I was so sad." Her factual mom brainstormed options with her. Christine rejected each potential solution because they didn't "feel right." Suddenly she announced "I have a pencil holder that is broken. I could throw it away. That would give people more space. I think it's all right to leave my water bottle there – everyone else does. And we could try a rule that everyone has two things on the table." She stopped, looked at her mom, and inquired, "Mom, it doesn't hurt your feelings if I don't use your solutions, does it?" Her mother reassured her that it was fine. Christine's eyes lit up as she exclaimed, "I think we can work this out so everyone will be happy!"

What's most important to kids using their feeling preference is that solutions feel right and make other people happy even if those solutions don't always seem logical to the more factual types.

3. Reassure Them That They're Liked
In order to perform their best, feeling kids need to know they're liked. That's why building a relationship with your feeling child is essential for winning his cooperation. Yelling at him, getting tough, or criticizing doesn't work. These children need a gentle touch, positive words, and the reassurance that they have done well. Your disapproval saddens them and may actually stop them from performing. They need to hear that you love them, empathize with them, and care before they are ready to listen to your advice.

"Oh, that's why teaching my son how to tie his shoe was so different from working with my daughter," Suzanne exclaimed in class. "I matter-of-factly taught my daughter to make a loop, wrap it around, pull through. She practiced and pushed herself to learn. But my son fussed through the entire lesson. He turned away and moaned that it was too hard. When I stopped and said, 'It's all right, you'll learn. It's kind of scary, but you have time,' he started to practice. First he had to know that I wouldn't get angry at him. When he knew he had my support, making a loop was easy. After he learned to tie, he came running to me and exclaimed, 'I can tie my shoes and I can help others because I know there's lots of kids who don't know how to tie yet.'" The feeling child needs to know you like him before he's ready to perform for you.

If feeling children think their teacher doesn't appreciate them, they're likely to be so stressed that focusing and performing can be very challenging. In school, feeling kids need a harmonious climate, lots of positive feedback, personal greetings, group projects that children work on as a team rather than competing, and opportunities to change the rules if enforcing them would hurt someone's feelings.

4. Teach How to Be Assertive
Feeling kids value harmony as a very valuable trait, but sometimes that desire for harmony can make it difficult for them to assert their own needs. That's what happened to David.

"You're describing my son!" Bob exclaimed in class. "Last week I told the kids that they could pick out a bag of candy. My daughter Megan asked David what he wanted."

"I don't care," he said, "as long as it doesn't have nuts in it."

"How about chocolate kisses?" Megan continued.

"That's fine," David replied. "Everybody loves chocolate."

"No, we'd get more pieces if we bought red licorice," Megan replied, "and they won't melt."

"Sure," David answered. "Everyone would like having as many pieces as they wanted."

"Oh, look, here's peanut butter cups. They're on sale!" Megan squealed in excitement. She turned, holding a bag of licorice in one hand and the peanut butter cups in the other. "Which ones do you want to get?" she asked David.

"I don't care; you can decide," he answered.

But Megan knew that wasn't entirely true. David didn't like peanut butter, either. If she picked peanut butter cups, he wouldn't like them, even if they didn't have nuts in them. She tried to push him to be more specific.

"I really don't care," he protested. "Really!"

"But you do and you're not standing up for yourself!" she retorted and turned to complain to her father, "If he won't stand up for himself, he won't get what he really wants."

It may be that David is getting what he wants. Maybe he doesn't care about the candy as much as he cares about harmony with his sister. If that's true, then it really doesn't matter what kind of candy they buy; but if he does prefer one over the other, then David needs his dad's help learning that he can assert his own needs and still live and work harmoniously with others. His dad might teach him to say, "Let's check our budget and see if we could buy two smaller bags of candy so we could each choose our favorites." Or, "The licorice gives us more pieces and is cheaper even if it isn't on sale." By learning to be a creative problem solver, David can learn to solve problems in a way that maintains harmony and allows him to assert his own feelings and needs.

As you coach your feeling child, teach him that it's important to be honest about his emotions. Help him to choose words that will "feel" right yet truly express his feelings. Explain that it is helpful if he addresses an issue before he is really angry about it because sometimes he waits too long, then moves right into being aggressive instead of being assertive. Let him know, too, that sometimes a bit of "disharmony" can actually lead to greater harmony and better decisions when we're honest with our feelings and solve problems together.

5. Teach Them to Look at the Facts
The best decisions consider both feelings and facts. Once you've helped your child to explore her own feelings and brainstormed solutions that would feel right for everyone involved, try saying something like, "I have some other thoughts, would you like to hear them? Or once she's had a chance to vent her feelings, then ask, "What do you think?" Use this phrase as an opening to go back and review the fad with her. Help her to analyze the logic of potential solutions so that her final decisions include feelings and facts.

The Short Cut
If all of this seems a bit confusing, don't worry about it. When your child is upset, simply ask him, "Would you like a hug?" Or say, "I'm so sorry that happened." If he responds to your empathetic response, keep going, putting a "Band-Aid" on those feelings. But if he rejects your offer of empathy, switch to a thinking strategy and say, "Tell me what happened." Considering your child's preference for dealing with the facts or feelings first is a critical step to keeping those lines of communication open and your child working with you.

Putting It All Together
Initially, when you're trying to decide whether to respond to your child as an introvert or an extrovert, or to approach her with facts or feelings first, it may seem complex, but it really isn't. You're just making two decisions – to talk or to reflect, and to address the facts or the feelings first. One day, to demonstrate how simple this idea was, I divided the parents in my class into four groups: introvert thinkers, introvert feelers, extrovert thinkers, and extrovert feelers. They started teasing one another, each group declaring their superiority. I found their comments startlingly different, yet all very insightful and helpful. I thought I would include them for you so that you might better understand your style, your strengths, and the things that might pull you into power struggles when you're working with your child.

Extroverted Feeling Parents
You are very aware of and sensitive to feelings and are comfortable talking about them. When you have a problem, you like to talk about it, sometimes over and over again, with anyone who will listen. If you have an introverted, thinking child, be careful not to invade him. Offer your hug, but respect his need for space. When he does come to you, stop what you're doing and listen, because he's only going to want to talk about his issue one time. Once he can read, relay information to him via the written word. Be careful not to ask too many questions. If your child prefers extroversion and thinking, expect debates. Understand that this child is trying to understand the facts and doesn't mean to offend you. You'll have to work hard to hold the line with him because a little conflict doesn't bother him as much as it bothers you. Teach him to value harmony as you do, and to give him phrases he can use that will help him learn to be more tactful.

Extroverted Factual Parents
You're great at analyzing situations and coming up with solutions, but you may need to hold back on giving advice until your child is truly ready. Recognize that your feeling child needs his feelings validated. He doesn't want to be argued out of them. Know, too, that when your feeling child comes at you with strong emotions, you may feel defensive. All those feelings are a bit overwhelming to you. Take a deep breath, pause, and remember that he's not trying to attack you; he's venting his strong emotions, and he's not going to die. Later you can teach him how to vent without triggering others. Recognize, too, that when you have a problem, you prefer working with someone who will help you to analyze a problem and come up with solutions. You don't like too much empathy or sympathy.

Introverted Feeling Parents
You are very tuned in to the emotions of your children. Humor is often one of your greatest resources. You can use it skillfully to bring harmony back to a situation. Your challenges are not to take on your child's emotions as you work with her and not to be offended by your straightforward-thinking kid. It's also important that you get enough space and quiet to meet your own needs. You need that reflection time to be able to perform at your best.

Introverted Factual Parents
You are very observant of things that are not fair. It's your extroverted feeling child who can really wear you down. Help this child find others who can be a sounding board for her so that she doesn't exhaust you as she processes her emotions. Your extroverted kids may also need more feedback from you than you are accustomed to providing. Remember, the feelers need to know you like them, and the thinkers want specific feedback. Know, too, that you need space and quiet in order to perform at your best.

When you know your preference and your child's, you'll have a much easier time getting under the surface to the real feelings and needs; doors will open, lights will go on. Use this information to help you understand what your child is experiencing and why you are responding as you are. Knowing yourself and your child keeps you connected.

Coaching Tips
If you or your child prefer thinking:

• Recognize your need to consider the facts first.
• Find others who will enjoy a good debate with you.
• Allow yourself to linger with your feelings longer.
• Once you've analyzed the facts, remember to check the feelings.
• Validate the emotions of others; avoid trying to argue them out of their feelings.
• Let others know you're trying to figure something out so that they don't feel invaded by your questions.
• Understand that you're more comfortable planning for "next time" than reviewing your mistakes.
• Know that sometimes saying you are sorry is very important.
• Ask others to give you a chance to tell them what happened.
• Remember that not every emotion needs a solution.

If you or your child prefer feeling:

• Find others who will validate and respect your feelings.
• Recognize your need to find solutions that consider the feelings of all.
• Consider your own needs as well as those of others.
• Once you've explored your feelings, check the facts.
• Understand that thinking types also have feelings; they simply explore them differently than you do.
• Let others know you are not ready to problem solve yet, but you will be.
• Know that being sensitive is a "gift."
• Appreciate your ability to create harmony
• Remember that disagreement can often lead to greater harmony.
• Offer support to others, but understand that you are not responsible for their feelings.