Original URL: http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/discipline/35995.html

Stressed-Out Kids: Learning to Deal with Life's Ups and Downs

"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."
– Mary Tyler Moore

One of the most unusual phone calls I have ever received jarred me from my reverie at six-forty one morning in December. When I picked up the phone, the caller desperately asked, "Is this the woman who wrote the book?" "Yes, I write books," I replied tentatively, not quite sure what to make of this.

"You've got to help me!" the caller pleaded.

"I'll do my best," I stuttered, still groggy with sleep.

"It's my four-year-old," she continued breathlessly. "He's whacking baby Jesus with a pirate's sword!"

I have to admit I was taken aback. In more than twenty years of working with families, I had never run into this problem before. I was speechless and stumbled. "Does he have a history of going after baby Jesus?" I asked, unable to think of a more intelligent question.

"No," she replied seriously, "but he's always been intense."

I paused, trying to get my wits about me. The caller filled the gap in the conversation. "This is serious! The church across the street just put out their nativity scene. Every time I turn around he's out the door whacking baby Jesus with his pirate's sword. I've sent him to time-out I've taken away his sword. It doesn't matter. He picks up pencils, rulers anything he can get his hands on, then dashes out the door and across the street. This is a small town; people are starting to talk!"

My mind raced. Why would a child be whacking baby Jesus? He must be very angry about something, I thought, and asked, "Has your family experienced any significant pain or stress lately?"

"My father died six weeks ago," she replied softly.

"Was your son close to him?" I questioned. "Oh, yes," she answered. "They saw each other every day."

"What did people tell him when Grandpa died?" I asked. She paused, sighed deeply, and slowly responded, "That baby Jesus took Grandpa to heaven."

This child was grieving, but he didn't know how to tell his parents. Instead, he acted out. Kids don't tell us when they're experiencing emotional pain and stress. Instead they whack baby Jesus with their pirate's sword, whine, complain, beg for help with anything and everything, or become downright nasty. It's easy to immediately slip into the intimidator's role in response. And to make matters worse, 90 percent of the time our kids stress is tied to our own. Trying to cope with our own inner turmoil and at the same time be patient with our kids can be a huge challenge. And even if our child's stress isn't related to our own, it still distresses us because we hate to see our kids hurting.

Learning how to deal with life's ups and downs is an essential life skill. When you understand the physiology of stress, it's easier to be the sensitive emotion coach that your child needs and stay out of the power struggles.

The Stress Hormones
If a parent tells me his child has been awake thirty minutes and ha already been sent to time-out three times, I always ask about the family's stress level. That's because researchers have found that when we're stressed, our bodies become aroused, ready for action. There are actually two arousal systems: short term and long term. The short-term sys tern is activated when your child spills a glass of milk or drops he Tonka truck on your toe. You quickly get intense and just as quickly get over it. The long-term system of arousal is governed more by longer acting hormones. This system goes into action just as fast, but it's main by-product is a brain chemical called cortisol. Cortisol keeps the brain on alert and lingers much longer in your system. Because cortisol remains in the system even during sleep, it can make you and you child much more vulnerable to blowups.

When you're stressed, cortisol levels rise, which leads to neural static. You can't think, and you forget things. You're more excitable am more sensitive, which can disrupt sleep and make crowds unbearable noises louder, and surprises harder to handle. The cycle feeds itself – you get more stressed out and your brain reacts by releasing more cortisol. That's why the more stressed the child, the less he'll sleep; and the less sleep he gets, the more cortisol his brain produces. The result is kid who wakes up ready to battle.

Recognizing the Behaviors That Signal the Emotions of Stress
Stress sneaks up on us, and as a result we often don't even realize it' taking its toll. Kids never say, "Gee, Mom or Dad, I'm really hurting. Instead they throw tantrums, hit their siblings or the neighbor kids, for get their homework, start having toileting accidents after having been trained for two years, complain of headaches and stomachaches, and refuse to sleep in their own bed or to go upstairs alone. You probably have a few words you could use to describe a child who acts this way but "stressed out" probably isn't the first to come to mind. That's why it's important for you to recognize some of the typical stress behaviors. As you read through the following scenarios, you'll also notice that adult exhibit many of the same behaviors when their cortisol levels are high Recognizing stress behaviors helps you to realize that your family ha not been taken over by extraterrestrial forces. Neither you nor you child is a monster – even if it sometimes feels that way – but you are stressed.

Typical stress behaviors fall into two basic categories: regressive behaviors and aggressive behaviors. You and your child may find you stress behaviors falling into one category or the other, or you might demonstrate a combination of both. No one will demonstrate every on of these behaviors, nor is the following list comprehensive. The most important thing is that you recognize stress behaviors when you see or hear them.

Regressive Behaviors
Some regressive behaviors often exhibited by parents and kids who are stressed include these:

Lethargy and Apathy
Judy sighed, "My daughter and I had a huge power struggle yester day morning. It really scared me. I got so angry I hit her. I have to be out of the house by seven a.m. My husband and I are separated, so it's jus my daughter and me. I needed her to get in the shower, but she wouldn't. She just laid on the couch in a fetal position, hugging the cal refusing to listen and do what she was told. I can't do it all alone. She has to help me, but she wouldn't. That's when I lost it. I finally jus hauled her out of the apartment. When we got home that night, I felt terrible. I asked her, 'Why was it so important to you to lay on the couch with your cat?' She turned to me with big brown eyes and whispered 'My daddy gave me my cat and my daddy doesn't come home anymore Here I'm thinking it's an affront of my parental authority or I've produced a lazy, irresponsible child, and the kid is grieving!"

Stress robs kids of energy, making it very difficult for them to comply with requests and perform even the most basic of tasks. They're tired and want more help from us. The trouble is that frequently when our kids are this stressed, so are we. They need our help, and we barely have the energy to get ourselves out of bed. Recognizing as signs of stress lethargy and kids curling into a fetal position when they're upset help us to keep our cool and realize our kids aren't just being lazy. It's this recognition that allows us to stop threatening them with punishment and instead ask, "How can we work together to make things better?"

Difficult Separations and Disrupted Sleep Patterns
"When my husband was sent to Haiti with the army reserves for six months, I couldn't get my kids to follow routines, especially at night time. They clung to me all day and refused to let me out of their sigh. Each would have to be put to bed ten times or more, and I had to lock them out of the bathroom just to brush my teeth. The whole time I we in there, they stood in the hallway pounding on the door and screaming."

Fear is a lousy companion and fear of abandonment or loss can turn normally independent kids into very needy people. Sleep pattern become disrupted, so children wake frequently. Bedtimes and dropoffs at school or child care can become major struggles as your kids fight t stay connected to you and reassure themselves you will not abandon them. When you need them to be independent, they are most dependent, and the fights begin.

Falling Apart Over Seemingly Insignificant Things
Six-year-old Katarina was bubbling with excitement. Today was the Valentine's party at school! Running to meet the crossing patrol at the comer, she suddenly realized that she'd forgotten her stuffed anima She burst into tears, plopped down on the sidewalk, and refused to g with the patrol. Her mother, Annette, pulled her up and told her to go but she wouldn't. Knowing she'd left younger kids in the house and not having enough time to deal with this, Annette took Katarina home again. At home Katarina cried and cried. She hadn't slept well. Her dad was gone. He usually helped her get dressed in the morning but he hadn't been there. Katarina was so worried that without his help she might be late that she'd slept in her clothes. And her clothes didn't feel right. Instead of her normal pants and T-shirt she was wearing party clothes. The schedule was going to be different that day, too, and she didn't know when she was going to get to eat lunch. In the end, all of the excitement was just too much and a missing stuffed animal put her right over the edge.

It's hard to imagine why some seemingly insignificant little thing or an innocent request like, "Put your paper in the wastebasket" or "Pick up your bag," can result in a complete meltdown for your child. That's why it's important to remember it's not the "little thing" that took her down. Stress is cumulative. One thing adds to another. The cortisol levels rise and overwhelm her, and once she begins to lose it, she can't easily stop. The same is true for you. On a normal day a request to have a sandwich cut in triangles wouldn't phase you. When you're stressed, it can turn you into a shrew.

Fearfulness
Jacob was eight and suddenly throwing terrible tantrums ten times a day. The last one occurred when he wanted his mother to sit on the landing while he went upstairs. "This was ridiculous," she said. "He's gone upstairs a thousand times without me sitting on the landing, but suddenly he was demanding that I stay there and wait for him. I took a firm stance and held my ground. He ended up screaming for an hour. Is he manipulating me?"

In the end we discovered that Jacob wasn't manipulating his mother at all. He was responding to a news story – the recent murder of a child in her home.

At some point, kids begin to realize that those news stories they hear about are happening right in their own community. Suddenly they're afraid to go upstairs or downstairs or even to the bathroom alone. They have to work through this new awareness and feel safe before they're ready to venture on their own again. Your anxiety rises with your child's. Are you doing something wrong? Why is your normally independent kid suddenly so dependent upon you? Guilt plagues you and the tension rises.

Forgetfulness and Indecisiveness
It was seven forty-five a.m. The school bus had just rambled past m window when the phone rang. It was my "other kid" from down the street. (We're not related but I'm his backup mom.) "I've got a problem," he said.

"You just missed the bus?" I guessed.

"Worse than that," he said. "I can't find my folder, and it's got m report in it. It's due today, and I need it to pass eighth grade. It's hope less. I'm going to flunk. My dad and sister are already gone. Will you please help me?"

I jumped into a pair of jeans and went to help him look. We searched the house but found nothing. He couldn't remember for sure if he'd ha the folder at home or not. He thought he had, but he wasn't quite sun He didn't remember the last time he had it. I knew we were in trouble "Let's go to school and check your locker," I suggested. And there it we right where he'd left it.

An irresponsible kid or a stressed-out one? I knew for a fact that this young man is hardworking, responsible, and bright. So I asked hit about his school, sports, and music schedule, and about what we going on lately. It took only a few minutes for me to realize he wasn't irresponsible but he was stressed.

Two-year-old Ben didn't forget things, he just couldn't make up his mind. He started waking up in the middle of the night, but when his parents went to comfort him, he'd say, "I can't be held." They'd put him down, and then he'd wail, "I need to be held." And so it went. He wanted the light on, then off, then on again.

Stress dumps cortisol into the brain, which disrupts and hinders the thinking process. That's why when a child experiences stress, her school grades often drop. The neural static created by cortisol actually makes it more difficult for her to learn because she can't think, problem solve, or process information as well. It's also this overload of cortisol that can make it difficult for you to think clearly, make a decision, or remember things as well.

Reversion to Younger Behavior and Becoming More Dependent
Ricky had given up his pacifier on his third birthday, but for months later when his sister was born his mother kept finding him the crib with the baby, pulling the pacifier out of her mouth and sticking it in his! After removing him time after time to no avail, she final told him, "If you need a pacifier that badly, you can have it until your fourth birthday" And that's what he did. On his fourth birthday he dropped it in the garbage.

Sometimes we just need to be babied. When kids are stressed, it's not uncommon for them to suddenly want the blanket they gave up months or even years ago, start talking like a baby, demand to be picked up and carried, or want a bottle just like their infant brother or sister.

Toileting Accidents
During a period of economic recession my phone was ringing off the hook. The callers were parents of four-year-olds who were wetting. Al of the kids had been dry for months, some for nearly two years, and suddenly they were having accidents. Their parents were frustrated and furious. Why, they wondered, was this child suddenly urinating on the floor? My response to their question was a question of my own: "Has anyone lost a job?" I suspect the callers thought that I hadn't heard them correctly or that I was off in another ballpark. Inevitably, I'd have to ask my question again, and after a moment they'd tell me, indeed, their partner or they had been terminated. And then they'd ask incredulously, "How did you know?" When a breadwinner loses a job, there's major stress in the household. Four-year-olds often wet when they're stressed. I suspect that cortisol is at work here, blocking the processing of information. Since the linkages aren't all that strong yet for four-year-olds, their brain stops being able to read the signals for a full bladder, and they have an accident.

Aggressive Behaviors
Some aggressive behaviors often exhibited by parents and kids who are stressed include these:

Aggression and Opposition
Tad's day-care provider had warned his mother that if Tad didn't se tie down, he'd be expelled. Tad had become a terror. He'd mimic directions instead of complying with them. He'd stick out his tongue and call the other children and adults stupid. He was hitting, pulling hair, throwing things, and one day he even bit another child. After three moves, the loss of a favorite nanny, longer work hours for Mom and Dad, and two new day-care centers, the cortisol levels were so high in Tad that a mere look could put him on the attack.

Striking out is a common stress response for anyone because the" "thinking" brain that inhibits our behaviors gets overridden by the "fight-or-flight" response.

Demanding Control of Anything and Everything
Laura came home from school, demanding a snack. When her mother started making it, she insisted that her bagel be cut in a certain fashion. Then she didn't want the jelly her mother had pulled from the refrigerator, she wanted a different brand. Her mother gritted her teeth and took a deep, slow breath. "Laura," she replied, enunciating each word carefully, "what happened today that made you feel so powerless?" Laura's eyes filled with tears; then she blurted out, "I got a B on my speech, and I thought I was going to get an A. And the eighth graders were really mean on the bus. They think they're so cool because they're going to be in ninth grade and the year is almost over. They were pushing people around and saying you can't sit there. I hate those eighth-graders!"

When kids are experiencing stress, it's often because they are feeling powerless. As a result they become demanding and argumentative, wanting to control something. They'll order people around, even telling them that they can't drink out of a particular glass! Or they'll refuse to accept decisions made by others and declare instead that they will decide whether it's what restaurant the family will go to or what coat they will wear. Believe it or not, this isn't a future dictator. It's a stressed-out kid. You might notice that you, too, start barking out orders when the stress levels rise. Like your child you'd like to control something, too!

Looking at these behaviors you may realize that you've never thought about kids and stress. You might have imagined that your toddler was too young to understand that Grandpa died or that Dad moved out. But even infants sense the stress around them and their brain automatically puts them on alert. The cortisol levels rise, and the behaviors that confound you appear. How, you might wonder, are you supposed to know if your child is really stressed or just acting up? Remember, the emotion coach knows kids aren't just out to get them. There's a feeling or need fueling this behavior. When you see behaviors that indicate your child might be stressed, an understanding of events that cause stress for kids can help you confirm your hunch.

Experiences That Create Stress
Some stressful events are very obvious, such as a new sibling, a new teacher or child-care provider, a move, a divorce, the start or end of a school year, a death, or a major illness. But here are a few that may surprise you.

Birthday Parties
Research has shown that birthday parties are one of the most stressful events in a child's life. Watching someone else open all those gifts and cards can unravel even the calmest kids!

Bad Weather
It was ten days after the blizzard of the century when my phone started to ring. House-bound parents were fed up, and so were their kids! Trapped together in houses and apartments, they'd had more together time than they could bear. Routines had been disrupted, school had been canceled, and even getting to the grocery store was a major endeavor. Once the streets were opened the typical thirty-minute commute was still taking ninety minutes. Parents were late and frustrated even before they arrived at work. The four-year-olds started wetting, the six-year-olds were slugging it out, and the ten-year-olds were ordering everyone around.

And then there were the floods and tornadoes. They hit at night, which have played havoc with sleeping patterns, raised the fear levels, and sent kids flying into their parents' bedrooms for months afterward. Even after parents got their kids back into their own beds, a year later when the wind started to blow, the kids were upset again. Think about significant leant storms or weather changes. Have they raised your child's stress level?

Holidays and Travel
Holidays and traveling are supposed to be fun, which is why tr stress they create can sneak up on you. You want to ignore it. You're supposed to be having fun, but the disruption of routines, guests, an new foods can raise stress levels quickly and leave you in full vie' of all of the relatives or the public at large dealing with a kid flooded with cortisol.

Parents' Travel Schedules
An increase in a parent's travel for work can also create significant stress for kids. Schedules become more unpredictable and parents more harried. If you listen carefully, your child will let you know that you are overcommitted.

Toilet Learning
If you think about it, why would anyone want to give up the close intimacy of diapering? You get your mom or dad's full attention and soft, cushy diaper. Toilet learning is hard work. It demands attention t one's body and independence. It's stressful. Add to it a new preschool or a baby brother, and the meltdowns can be terrific.

Growth Spurts
Chad was just about to turn five. Three weeks before the big day he started what his parents referred to as nuclear meltdowns – major tantrums over anything and everything. He'd wake up crabby, couldn't make a decision, and was incapable of doing things he could do three months before.

It's like when you've been sailing along quite smoothly and you suddenly feel like you've been blindsided that the odds are you're dealing with a growth spurt. Suddenly the kid who was so competent needs help with everything. His moods are mercurial, and tears are a constant companion. He's demanding and rude and when you look at the stresses in your life, you don't really see anything happening that would stress him out. Except that his birthday or six-month birthday is within the next six weeks.

Kids go through growth spurts about every six months in the early years, and every year as they move toward adolescence. During this time the old systems fall apart before the new ones work. The process usually lasts about four to six weeks. It's exhausting to everyone because the only thing you can really do is maintain your standards, nurture more, and wait it out. Growth spurts disappear as suddenly as they appear. One day you realize that your child has achieved a whole new level of skills. The monster is gone, replaced by a very enjoyable kid.

Letting Go of "Lovies"
Kids reach a certain age and adults decide it's time for them to be finished with bottles, pacifiers, nursing, and even favorite blankets. The key to letting go of "levies" is to work with your child to help him find another way to soothe and calm himself. Without a substitute, he's left without his favorite soother, and the stress levels can rise quickly. So when you wean your child, don't stop holding and rocking him. If you take away the pacifier, offer him oral alternatives like a straw with his drink. If you toilet train him, cuddle him after he uses the potty and tickle his toes at bathtime. When your child is too big to be held on your lap, sit on the edge other bed and scratch her back.

Invasive Medical Practices
Doctors are sworn to help their patients, but sometimes the tools and techniques they use are frightening and painful. For a young child, being held down and hurt by a trusted adult – even if it's to save her life – can be a traumatic experience. Be aware that if your child has experienced major medical interventions she may be stressed and need more support from you.

Visitations
Leaving one parent to return to another is a very challenging experience for kids. The rules change from one house to another, and separation means letting go. It's important to recognize that when your child returns from a visit, if she's acting out, beneath her anger may be stress.

Bullies
Bullies are a major source of stress for kids. While it is common to tell kids to stand up for themselves or to ignore the bullying, the latest research on bullies demonstrates that adults must step in! It's adults who must clearly enforce the standards that everyone will be treated respectfully and that bullying will not be tolerated. A child alone cannot stop a bully.

Young Siblings Starting to Walk and Talk
Your child may have been infatuated with her sibling when he was baby, but once that baby starts to move and talk, it's another story. Suddenly the older child finds her space invaded. It can be a very frustrating and irritating experience. Tempers may flare.

Once again, my list is not comprehensive, but I hope it gives you the idea that kids, even infants and toddlers, experience stress. You may also realize that many of the events that stress kids also stress you, leaving all of you more vulnerable. Each event taken alone may be manageable but stacked together (the vacation and the birthday party), they mi overwhelm all of you. When you recognize events that are potentially stressful to your kids and to you, you can take a proactive approach.

Check the stress levels in your home. What has your child bee doing and saying lately? Are you seeing stress behaviors? What about you? If people are stomping and screaming at your house, take note. The behavior isn't about purposefully being mean and nasty. This is not the time to mete out punishments or to pull apart. It's time to hunker down and address the real emotions that are fueling those behaviors – emotions like fear, sadness, worry, disappointment, grogginess, and that general feeling of being overwhelmed.

While recognizing your child's stress is a very important step, you won't want to stop here. In order to stay out of the power struggles, you need to know what strategies will keep your child working with you.

Enforcing the Standards
It's difficult to feel sympathetic toward a kid who has just smacked you in the face and called you stupid. That's why your first response in any situation is to enforce your standards clearly No matter how stressed your child is, he still cannot strike out at you, call you names, rudely order you around, constantly talk like a baby, or forget his homework every day.

Remember as you enforce your standards that if you don't want your child to be slamming doors and calling people names, you can't either. He's watching you!

And because those hormones are pumping through his brain, you also can't just tell him to stop. You have to go to the next step and help him understand what he needs and teach him what he can do and say. Fortunately there are ways to get your needs met as you meet his. When you and your kids are stressed, here are three things to remember:

• Nurture more.
• Create stability and predictability where you can.
• Create rituals that connect you.

1. Recognize the Need to Be Nurtured
When Kate is stressed, she can actually feel the rush of hormones surging through her body. It jolts her from her sleep. Instantly she's on alert, wide awake and tense. When her husband senses her wakefulness, he reaches over, slips an arm across her, and pulls her into him, her back pressed against his chest. The comfort of being tucked there is immediate. Her heartbeat slows. She knows she's not alone, and she falls back to sleep.

Kate's husband is already taken – we can't have him, but we ca acknowledge that when we're stressed we need more nurturing, and s do our kids. Stress disrupts our basic sense of security, and your child needs you to help her feel secure, just like you did when she was a baby. And she needs you to do it proactively.

Proactively means recognizing the stress behaviors and the situation that cause stress for your family and consciously making the decision t slow things down and nurture more. It may seem difficult to do when you're stressed, too, but we can all learn from Kate's husband that it's the small gesture that can really make a difference. Little things such as asking your child if he'd like help, or offering to carry him before he asks you to. It's essential that you offer support before your child asks for because by doing so you allow him to make the decision: "Yes, I nee support right now," or "No, I can do this on my own." He feels empowered and secure.

As you work with your child take the time to savor his presence Revel in the memories of your child's infancy. Sing the lullabies you used to sing. If he's having difficulty separating from you, tell him before you leave a room that you are going and ask if he'd like to corn with you. Absorb the joy he finds in being with you. These small thoughtful actions and words will communicate loudly and clearly t your child, "I am here. I am available. You can trust me that I will not abandon you in your distress."

As you provide the support your child needs, let him know that soon he'll be able to do these things on his own. Your reassurance will give him hope and remind you that you are not fostering dependence. You are supporting him while he needs it.

Since you will not always know when your child is feeling stressed it's also important that you teach your child to respectfully ask for when she needs with phrases such as "Please hold me"; "I'm feeling over whelmed, will you help me?"; "Please sing to me";" I need help relaxing, would you rub my back?"; or "I just need you to be close." Be a role model. Ask the other adults in your life for what you need, too.

Confirm His Feelings
"Mommy, are you sad?" "Daddy, are you mad?" Kids ask the honest questions, and we're not quite sure how to answer them. We don't war to burden them with our problems. We are the adults, after all. But it also important to be honest with your kids. When your child sense that you are upset but you deny it, he learns that he can't trust his gut. Better to confirm his perception by saying something like, "You're right I am upset. Some things are happening at work. But you don't need to worry about it. Mommy and Daddy will take care of it."

Your honesty allows your child to confirm his perception. He feel more confident because he can trust his gut. At the same time you're not laying the responsibility on him, and that's an important point.

Help Him Name His Feelings
Danny was afraid of dogs, but his teacher didn't know this until she brought her docile Labrador to class. "I hate dogs!" Danny shouted. "I won't come to circle. You can't make me!" If his teacher hadn't been so observant, she would have heard only his words and may have though he was being oppositional and defiant, but she had seen the quid flicker of fear in his eyes. Instead of immediately reprimanding him, shi said softly, "This is a big dog. I'm wondering if he makes you fee uncomfortable." "I hate dogs!" Danny retorted. "It's all right for you to stay back and watch for a while," she told him, recognizing that he was probably frightened and an introvert who needed time to process that emotion as well as a thinker who didn't want to admit his vulnerability She didn't tell him that he was afraid; instead, knowing that Danny was listening, she proceeded to tell the other children how she had gotten her pet as a puppy and how afraid she had once been of dogs. Then she showed the kids how to pet the dog and invited those who wanted to touch him. Danny watched. Tentatively he moved closer but still die not come into the circle. His teacher smiled at him and turned her attention back to the other children. When all but Danny had petted the dog, she sent them on to play and then invited Danny to bring the dog's leash to her. He did, then reached down and quickly touched the dog's back. "It's all right to be cautious," his teacher said. "He's a big dog. Some people may be frightened by him." Danny simply listened. Late she asked him, "Do you think you were afraid?"

Coaching your child doesn't mean telling him how he feels. You're merely giving him information, asking questions, and offering example so that he can decide himself. When it's stress behaviors you're seeing remember the emotions are very likely to be fear, worry, exhaustion, sad ness, indecisiveness, hurt, or disappointment. Because stress triggers the fight-or-flight response, it's likely that the most obvious emotion is anger but anger is a secondary feeling. Something else like fear or worry often precedes it.

Create an Allotment of Mental-Health Days
Bill found his son, Michael, slumped in the chair, tears trickling down his cheeks. This was not his usual cheery, self-sufficient, independent kid. "I was so surprised at first," he said, "I couldn't believe the we streaks on his cheeks were actually tears. But they were. I sat down next to him. 'What's up?' I asked.

'"I'm just so tired,' he groaned. I nodded, remembering the trip to visit grandparents in another town, two baseball games, early risings to finish homework. There was good reason for fatigue.

'"Do you need to sleep longer?' I asked him. He nodded. 'Can I have a mental-health day, Dad?' he asked, knowing that every year we allow our kids two days on which they can say, 'I just need to stop and rest.' reminded him that he'd have just one more mental-health day left.

"'I know,' he said, 'but I really need it.' I agreed, reminding him that when he awoke there was to be no watching television. He was to catch up on his homework. He agreed and fell back to sleep.

"He awoke at noon, hauled himself out of bed, and started reading A shower and lunch were his only other activities. When I came home it was as though a new person had come to reside there. This one was rested and pleased with himself that his homework was done. The next day he was up and out as usual, no complaints and no stalling. One day was all he, needed to recuperate."

You might be thinking. If I allowed my child mental-health days, he'd want one every week. My experience working with families is that kids don't abuse them. They hoard them.

2. Create Stability and Predictability Where You Can: Routines Matter
Often when we're stressed, it's because things are happening that a beyond our control. Surprises become the-"norm." The demands overwhelm us and the predictability and regularity of our day goes by the wayside. Meals go unplanned, car-pool plans collapse; bedtimes a thrown into chaos. When predictability disappears, kids go on alert, ready for fight or flight, and so do you.

Even on your most stressful days take a few minutes at night or in the morning to think through your day. This will really help. When will your child be going? Who will be picking him up? Will you partner be home tonight? Will you be there in the morning when your child wakes up? Will your child get the downtime in the morning that he's used to, or do you have an early meeting so you will t dropping him off early as well? Are you going home right away after picking up your child or running errands? Talk through the plan with your child and your partner. Predictability doesn't mean inflexibility. Alter plans as needed, but remember that the more you and your child know what to expect, the less energy you have to expend being alert.

Ultimately you can teach your child to ask, "What are the plans to the day?" As he grows older he can also create plans for himself. This predictability gives him some control, eases distress, and lessens hi need to control something else!

3. Create Rituals That Connect
The average American parent spends twenty-two minutes a day interacting with his or her child. When we're stressed, the odds are that we spend even less time. William Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, says, "In today's stress-filled world we have to intentionally plan family rituals that bring us together."

Terry was a single parent who worked full-time. She didn't have a lot of extra time for "nurturing and. connecting" with her child. Morning with her two-year-old daughter Tamara were a nightmare. Initial!' Terry would get herself up, shower, dress, and then wake Tamara. She'd change Tamara's diaper, dress her, and give her a quick snack. Within fifteen minutes they'd be out the door heading for child care. Bu Tamara hated it and screamed in protest every morning. She wanted to play. She wanted to be with her mother. By the time they separated a child care, both of them were in tears. It was a lousy way to start the day.

In class Terry recognized that her daughter's difficulty separating was a stress behavior very typical for her age. She realized her daughter needed more connection time with her, but she couldn't figure out how to fit it in.

David, another parent in class, suggested that she just try to make this normal routine special. He explained, "When Gayle and I were expecting our first child, we were talking with my brother and his wife. Gayle was going to nurse and take a six-month leave from her job. I was going to be working more overtime to make up the difference. My sister-in law said to me, 'Oh, David, then you'll have to make bathtime your time with the baby.' I have to admit I found her advice more intimidating than inviting. I had never taken care of a baby, much less bathed one. So when my son was born, I approached this task very tentatively. And it wasn't easy. My son's a very sensitive kid. He didn't like being undressed for his bath. The water had to be just the right temperature, and washing his hair was a major feat. But I kept working on it. By the time hi was a year old he trusted me. He'd hold his little washcloth over his eyes while I washed his hair, and we'd splash together. I'll always be grateful to my sister-in-law. The connection was worth it, and because bathtime is Daddy's job, we make that connection even during the busiest times."

Terry took David's advice. Instead of waking Tamara at the last minute, she woke her earlier and plopped her into the bathtub with her yellow duck. Tamara had always loved her bath. It soothed and calmed her. While Terry did her hair and makeup, Tamara played and chatted with her mom. When Terry was finished, she dried off Tamara wit fuzzy towel, dressed her, and ate a quick breakfast with her. Forty-f minutes after waking, Tamara would exclaim in delight, "Let's go see my teacher!" Terry hadn't done anything that she wouldn't do during a normal day – she'd just done it differently. The connection of bathtime the morning brought them together, eased the stress of separation, and allowed them to start their day with smiles instead of screams.

When you're stressed, your family needs those connections me than ever. When it's time to make dinner, try to work together. Put t preschoolers up to the sink and let them scrub fresh vegetables or wash the pots and pans. They'll love it. Older kids can mix up the muffins, s the table, dim the lights, and light the candles. There's nothing like candlelight to settle things down.

Look around you. What needs to be done? How can you do together? That's the key – be together. If the laundry has to be folded, why not dump it in your child's room and sit and fold it while he falls asleep. You'll get the laundry done, and he'll get the connection that r needs so he won't have to cling. Need to pay the bills? Give your child all the junk mail to open up and play office with while you're working If your child is older, invite him to bring his homework to the dining room table so you can sit together as you both work. Push the fears am hassles of the day into the back corners. Don't let those forces pull you family apart. Consciously create rituals that bring you together in good times and in bad.

Adjust for Individual Differences
How we cope with stress varies with our temperament and our type. The introverts in your family are going to need more space and quiet time. The extroverts are going to want to talk things out. Recognize your differences. For the introverts, eliminate as many outside commitments as you can. Extroverts, give yourself permission to use the phone and talk with others. Be careful not to wear out your introverted family members.

And if you or your child are temperamentally more intense, know that daily exercise will be even more important to you. If you're more sensitive, sensorial stimulation, especially noise, will make you edgier. And if you're slow to adapt, know, too, that transitions become more challenging. Slow down, allow more time, and you'll ease through this challenging period.

Allow Time
Learning to deal with life's ups and downs isn't easy and takes time. I your child is dealing with a significant issue, there won't be a quick fix It may be a tough six months or year before you see progress, and you may need to seek professional help in the process. And because kids are developing, they often have to revisit a major stressful event at each new developmental milestone. That means that if your child was six when you divorced, when she reaches preadolescence, she may very well have to process her feelings about it all over again at a higher level of thinking.

Don't lose hope. Know as you work through those stressful events that the research on resiliency demonstrates that kids who have experienced tough times are actually stronger adults. They've learned that no matter what happens, they can handle it! Mary Tyler Moore says it well "You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you."

Savor Your Successes
Hannah was seven. Her parents had divorced when she was two. She lived with her mother but spent weekends with her dad. Typically where Hannah returned to her mother's on Sunday night, she was distraught She was hungry and tired. Inevitably, her mother ended up spending the whole evening just trying to stop the screaming and crying.

Learning about stress behaviors gave Mom a whole new perspective. Suddenly she realized that the transfer from one parent to another after a visitation was a very stressful event for Hannah. She used her new awareness to turn this exhausting experience into one that was reasonably manageable.

Talking with Hannah, she helped her understand her emotion saying, "When you've been with your daddy, it's hard for you to leave him. You love him. But you love me, too. When you can't be with both of us at the same time, it's frustrating and sad to you. All those feel are inside of you when you come home."

Mom also realized it was critical that she reinforce her standard; she said, "When you come home, no matter how upset you are, it's all right for you to call Mommy names or to scream for hours."

Then together they talked about what Hannah could do with al those emotions. They planned a hot bubble bath for her, along with an immediate snack. Hannah could expect that her mom would sit with her while she lounged in her bath so they could talk. Finally they clarified what else they might do that night or who might be coming over. Hannah knew exactly what to expect. All attention was focused helping her to cope with that difficult transition, and, most important, she knew she could count on her mother to be there when she needed her the most. Hannah was learning that even when there are things our life that we don't like and that we wish we could change, we can still find ways to cope.

Coaching Tips
Kids don't tell us that they're stressed. Instead they throw us their most challenging behaviors. Our job is teach them how to cope with life's ups and downs – even when we're stressed, too.

When your child is stressed:

• Teach your child to recognize stress behaviors.
• Talk about the emotions she's experiencing such as worry, sadness, disappointment, exhaustion, grief.
• Understand her indecisiveness and forgetfulness; offer extra support.
• Nurture her more. She really does need to be held, massaged, or carried.
• Maintain routines and let her know what to expect. Create rituals that connect you.

When you're stressed, too:

• Recognize your stress.
• Allow yourself to slow down and ask for help.
• Understand you need more nurturing, too.
• Take time to exercise.