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Sharing the Load

The amount of mental and physical work required to raise a family is staggering, whether it's painting your baby's bedroom or – 18 years later – helping her pack for college. Without supportive communities, the work of raising children mainly lands on Mom and Dad, pushing them into Condition Yellow even when they have a strong partnership. If either does less than his or her share, the other one is shoved toward Condition Red: more to do, less time to sleep or eat right, more guilt over not keeping every ball in the air, more dismay and resentment and anger. Compounding things, the parent who is dropping one end of the log may have the audacity to wonder, "Why don't we ever talk/go to the movies/make love anymore?"

Many couples share with equality the work of making a family, handling Condition Yellow with tenacity, skill, and grace. But that's the exception, and the rule tilts mainly against women, as the following list shows.

• Tasks. The average mother works altogether 15 to 20 hours more per week than the father of her children, whether or not she is drawing a paycheck. It's not hard to get there: an hour in the morning, an hour at night, a few hours on each weekend day ... it adds up pretty fast. Even when a mother makes as much or more money than her husband, typically she still does more housework and child care. And he'd be hard pressed to say he's pulling more weight on the job: studies have shown that women usually clock more minutes on-task at work than men do.
• Emotion work. This part of making a family may not look like much on the outside, but it is often the most draining. It includes settling squabbles between siblings, worrying about a fever that won't break, or comforting a child who's being picked on at preschool. Women do most of the emotion work in families, much as they do in relationships in general. For instance, when both parents are in the room, it is the mother who is more likely to be emotionally available to their child, rather than off in another world going over the bills, reading the paper, or watching TV.
• Stresses. Tending to young children is more stressful than most jobs. If Mom stays home while Dad goes off to work, her day is usually more stressful than his. When both parents are home, even if each of them spends about the same amount of time doing tasks, the mother typically does the high-stress ones while the father does more peaceful projects he can schedule at will and carry to completion. And when there is nothing left for her to do, a mother often feels stressfully vigilant and on call at a moment s notice, while her husband is more likely to do his tasks and then relax.
• Responsibilities. Children live in your heart and weigh on your mind. The consequences of your decisions can be monumental: literally, the health and welfare of an innocent child. For all the advances in the workplace for women over the past thirty years, little has changed at the "board of directors" level in most families: it is still usually Mom, not Dad, who does most of the planning, worrying, and problem solving about the children. It's lonely at the top of the typical family.

These inequities impact the children: Studies have shown that fathers who are less involved tend to have kids who are less responsible, less able to solve problems, less confident, and have lower self-esteem. Inequities also eat away at a marriage, reducing the satisfaction of each spouse. And they deplete a mother, increasing her stress, giving her less time to recharge her batteries, and lowering her mood; for instance, lack of help from the father exposes a working mother to more stress than any other factor. As one mother told Jan: I did all the planning and organizing for Sammy's birthday, thinking that Bob would help out during the party itself. But no, he stood around the whole time talking with his buddies while I raced around doing everything, except for when he cut the cake and then looked at me like he deserved some kind of reward! I want someone who doesn't need me to stamp my feet to get some help, who takes initiative with the kids and the house, whose mind is not elsewhere all the time. Somebody who does things because he wants to do his share, not just to get me off his back. I need to feel like I have another half.

Lapses in sharing the load aren't good for a father, either. Avoiding the nitty-gritty tasks of tending to young children - like getting them dressed - usually makes a father feel less connected, competent, or satisfied with parenthood.

It is fine to do different things, such as Mom puts in a load of laundry while Dad gives a bath. But significant unfairness poisons the well of a family. The why of sharing the load fairly is clear. The real question is how.

Clear Facts
The place to begin is to establish what the facts are. You and your partner may already agree on how the load is shared, but commonly a father feels he is doing more than his wife thinks he does, which sparks recurring quarrels. For example, one study asked dual-earner couples how they handled child rearing tasks, and 43 percent of the men answered "fifty-fifty" - but only 19 percent of their wives agreed.

Therefore, if there is any question about what is actually happening, we suggest that each of you (or you alone, if necessary) track, for at least a few days and ideally for a week, who does what and for how much time. Each day, just jot down how you spent your time. One way to do this easily is on daily copies of a simple form you can create in which the rows are fifteen-minute intervals and the columns are different kinds of activities, such as interacting with a child or doing housework (or both at the same time!); you can create the form by hand or use a spreadsheet. Additionally, you could each make note of the stresses you experienced that day, as well as the sense of responsibility you felt for planning, worrying, and problem solving.

Alternately, each of you could simply list what you did with the kids or household that day. If even that would be overwhelming - since the typical mom does several hundred such tasks daily - make a list for an hour or for a specific part of the day, such as the morning or evening.

At night, compare notes, and see if you can agree on the basic facts of that day without nit-picking whether something took five minutes or ten. At the end of the period, try to agree on what the facts are, plus or minus ten percent. If you can't, consider involving a third party, such as a therapist.

If your partner suddenly becomes an angel once the spotlight is on, you can comment on that. You could also suggest continuing to track time for a few more weeks, which would have one of three outcomes, all of which are good: (1) you might discover that you've had a better partner than you thought; (2) his true colors would be revealed over time if he could not sustain the miraculous transformation; or (3) what started as an exercise in looking good could become a habit.

But in the usual case, people remain more or less true to form, and the results are eye-opening. Rick once worked with a couple in which the mom felt overworked, but the dad thought she was exaggerating because she was mad that he was putting so much time into his hobby of music. They tracked their time for a week and saw in black and white that he averaged one hour of sleep and two hours of personal time more than she each day. He couldn't ignore that difference or justify it, so he started spending more time with their child.

Clear Principles
Even with clear facts, parents can disagree about what they mean. Cultural factors influence our expectations about the proper sharing of roles after children arrive. In some regions of the country, or within certain groups, it is common to find support for a view of family life in which the woman does most of the child care and housework, even if she's employed, and she may defer to her husband in other matters as well.

Psychological factors also determine how we share the load. A father's active involvement with child care depends in part on his enjoyment of parenting, his beliefs about the importance of fathers to children, and his feeling that masculine men can be skillful with little kids. The amounts and kinds of housework he does are shaped by his ideas about the fundamental equality of the sexes. Your psychology influences him, as well, through your expectations and willingness to assert yourself. But speaking your mind can be hard if you:

• Believe in traditional gender roles
• Think that making money counts for more than child care or housework, or feel one down in the relationship because he makes more money than you
• Fear he might leave you or take his anger out on the children
• Feel guilty about pursuing your own career and try to compensate by going overboard on child care and housework
• Are embarrassed about asking for help, perhaps thinking it makes you look needy, or that you should have already handled everything on your own
• Think he'll do it all wrong, or feel territorial about your role

Biology plays a part as well. Men vary in their innate interest in child rearing, much like women do, but to a greater degree. For some perspective, consider that males do next to nothing for their young in ninety-five percent of the mammal species, including the primates that are our close relatives. "Mating effort" - sowing seeds far and wide - is in most species a more effective reproductive strategy for males than "parental investment," the strategy usually used by females for passing on their genes.

In this light, what is remarkable about human fathers is that they do anything at all. Our species seems to have evolved a mixed strategy in which both inclinations - mating effort and parental investment - interact with each other, and the relative weight of each varies from man to man. We make these points about biology not to let fathers off the hook, but to highlight the poignant reality that is the backdrop of many domestic disputes. That way, you can take your partner's natural inclinations less personally - wherever they are in the range of men - and have compassion and respect for the ways he's trying to work with them. The balance of power in a father between mating effort and parental investment is greatly affected by social and psychological factors. He can help himself by spending time with other dads who are deeply involved with their children, participating in groups that support engaged fatherhood - such as religious organizations, Indian Guides, or Cub Scouts - or reflecting on his ethical duty to his children and their mother. He could read about fatherhood, perhaps a book such as Father Courage: What Happens When Men Put Family First by Suzanne Braun Levine. He could apply the same ideals of learning and competence that he lives by at work to his parenting. He might reflect on his relationship with his father, both what he gained from his dad and how he would like to parent in a different way. In gentle ways, you can support his involvement by helping him see what a difference he makes to his children. You can point out models of masculine and competent fathers - especially him! Or do little things to help parenting be enjoyable for him, like having him come see your son with his hair shampooed up like a rooster's cockscomb.

In the end, though, no matter what the cultural, psychological, or biological forces may be in our lives, we still have to make choices based on principle. You are entitled to make a case for certain values, to say what you think your children need, and to name what you feel is fair or unfair. Here are examples of principled responses to various objections we've heard fathers make to carrying more of the total load; please adapt them to your own needs and voice:

• "I'm not as good at it as you are. Plus the kids go to you anyway." Like anything, you just need to practice a little. The kids will get used to you doing certain things, and I'll direct them to you more. Plus you could initiate and not wait for the kids to come to me. Additionally, even if I'm the one who always washes Angel's hair, you could still help more by reading to Michael or cleaning up the kitchen.
• "You always interfere, and I've quit trying." I don't always interfere, but I do sometimes. I'm trying to help, anyway, not interfere, but I can understand that you feel crowded, so I'll promise to back off.
• "You just want someone to do things for you." Nope, I want you to do things with me. It's not just about getting stuff done. When you do your part, it makes me feel connected to you, like I'm not alone and we're in this together. I made a baby with you and I would love for us to share that experience in a happy way together.
• "I do more than my dad did." That's great, and I appreciate it. But there is still more to do if we're going to be fair about it.
• "My job is so stressful that I need to rest at home." Remember how you nearly fainted with relief when I finally got home after you were alone with the kids that one time for a few hours? Now imagine doing that for many hours instead of a few, and for a thousand days instead of one. If we're talking about getting a break based on the stress level of our typical day, in fairness I deserve rest at least as much as you.
• "Making a living counts for more than raising children." I believe that it's the other way around. Child rearing counts for more since it so directly impacts our precious children. And it's usually harder, day after day. I am not setting child rearing above making a living. But it is at least equal.
• "I make all the money, so you should handle the housework and kids." I do handle the housework and kids while you are making money. I'm talking about what you do when you're not commuting or at work. You wanted children and now we've got them. You can see that it's best for them when we are both involved in the morning, at night, or over the weekend. Speaking personally, it does not feel fair for me to keep on going while you watch TV or go out with your friends. How would you feel about someone at work who did that sort of thing while you kept getting things done? Would you feel resentful? Would you be eager for them to do their share?
• "I make more money than you." I appreciate all the money you bring in to our family. But that does not change what is good for our children and our relationship, when we are both at home in the mornings, evenings, and weekends. (And follow with the points just above.)
• "It's because you're working that the kids need so much and there's so much housework." I think that's hitting below the belt. If l didn't work, our kids would still need you to help out in the evenings and weekends. We need my salary, and even if we didn't, I have as much right to work as you. Besides, we could just as well turn the point against you: The kids wouldn't need so much if you, their father, stayed home. In fairness, the hard choices between career and time with children should fall just as much on a father as a mother. We both work, we both need to parent, and we both need to do housework.
• "That's woman's work." There is no law that says so. You did dishes before you met me, and it wasn't women's work then. I don't think you take it easy while I wash clothes or give the kids a bath out of high moral principle, but simply because that's your personal preference. You're just as capable as I am of putting a child to sleep or feeding a toddler.
• "Quit telling me what to do." I don't want to tell you what to do. Usually I try not to. And if I ever do, it's because you won't make a reasonable agreement with me about who does what - or you make one but don't stick with it. I'm the messenger of what our kids or home needs, so please don't be angry at me for just bringing the message. If you saw what needed doing in the first place, I wouldn't have to bring a message at all. Besides, why is it fair for you to tell me what to do about the car or computer or mutual fund or whatever, but I can't tell you anything about what to put in a lunchbox?
• "Get off my back, or else." I'd be glad to talk about this when you're calmer. But I'm going to ask: What's the "or else"? Are you really going to hit me or walk out on your kids because I'm tired of picking your socks up off the floor? Because I'd appreciate it if you'd get home sooner? Your kids need you to be more involved, I need it, and our marriage does, too.

Clear Agreements
Once you come together on basic principles, agreements about actions are pretty straightforward, especially when you use the negotiation skills you've already learned. Here are some practical solutions that have helped many families, including those in which the parents are already sharing the load fairly and the real issue is only how to work together even better.

Apply organizational principles. A family is an organization, and many of the same approaches used in other organizations will work in your home as well. First, you could create a base schedule that guides your week, knowing that you'll almost never stick to it perfectly. For example, if you're staying home while your husband works, he could agree to get home by 6:30 most nights and you'd agree to have already fed the kids so you two can have dinner together.

In your base schedule, build in breaks that are fair for each of you. One dad said to Rick: My wife gets Wednesday night "off," while I take care of the kids. I'll get up early on a weekend morning and go for a hike with a buddy, getting back by 12 or so. I think about that hike all week, like she thinks about what she'll do Wednesday night. It's a lifesaver.

But be sure to take your break when it comes! Many mothers feel like they have to overcome an invisible gravitational field to lift out of their orbit around their children. Remember that you deserve and need this time to yourself, and that your children will benefit from a reinvigorated mother when you get back. You might also arrange to take some of your time off with your kids as long as your husband assumes the major responsibility for caring for them. For example, Rick's idea of a dream vacation is a trip to the mountains with a buddy and no kids, while Jan's is a week in the sun somewhere - with her children nearby while Rick watches them.

Second, we suggest you distinguish between responsibility, which you both share for the family's overall well-being, and individual accountability for specific tasks. Then create a basic understanding of what you are each accountable for:

Who does what when? You could write it down, and if you have to, post it. Just walk through your day mentally and think about what would help things go well. Could you get the kids dressed while he showers, and then he feeds them while you shower? Would he rather clean up after dinner or put the kids to bed? Should you pick up take-out food on Tuesday nights? The details are usually not that hard: most of it is just being good roommates, and there are many tips for a smoothly running household in women's magazines or various books.

Coordinate with each other. Check in before making plans like committing to a golf date for the weekend. Rick and Jan got a big lesson in this just a few days after their first child was born, and Jan describes what happened: Our good friend. Bob, was coming to visit, and Rick mentioned they were going sailing Saturday. I was dead tired already and asked in disbelief, "You're going to leave me home alone for a day with a baby while you play around?" Rick was startled. In the past, he'd go off with a friend, and it was no big deal. But now what he did really affected the baby and me, and he had to take us into account. He took a long, slow breath and it was like a lightbulb went on. Then he said, "You're right. Now I need to ask."

Keep things in perspective. It's the overall performance that matters. Nobody's perfect, and overreacting to small lapses can undermine a general spirit of cooperation. See if you can let your husband do housework his way; for example, unless dishes are getting broken each night, don't hassle him about how he loads the dishwasher. As a general rule, let the person who is doing the task be in charge of how it gets done.

Try to be flexible and creative for the greater good, which includes him feeling positive about being fully involved in child care and housework and you feeling less stressed. If he suggests paper plates for most weeknights, maybe that's not so crazy. Perhaps you both can live with a semimessy kitchen until Saturday morning, when you spend an hour together cleaning it up, drinking some coffee, and talking.

Children are passionately unpredictable in their nature, so it's a good idea to cut each other some slack. For example, a mother told this story: We were going somewhere, and I was getting Marion ready while Frank was on the phone. He came in and snapped at me because we were running late. He hates that, and he is Mr. Punctuality at work. But a child doesn't always follow a schedule. He should know that, because if he's the one trying to get her to cooperate, we never leave on time! Or better yet, step in and help out instead of judging the other parents performance. It's all right for you to take the lead. Unless you and your husband truly share all aspects of parenting - an unusual yet potentially wonderful arrangement described by Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D., in her book Parenting Together: Men and Women Sharing the Care of Their Children - it is natural for you to have a leadership role sometimes when it comes to the kids. He is probably entering a flow of activities that you've been managing, and he is just being a good team player when he asks you, the quarterback, what the play is. We suggest that you tell him at the time how he can help. Later on, if you like, you can talk about similar situations in the future and figure out what he could do in them without you having to say anything.

Look for ways to involve him with the children. If he is hanging back, invite him to share in the fun moments, not just the chores. He could think about the interests he'd like to share with his kids, like a love of the outdoors, or the values he wants to help them develop. For instance, perhaps reading certain stories to them would be a way to talk about similar experiences he has had or what he thinks is really important in life.

He might say that he'll get more involved when the kids are older and it feels more "natural." This may well be true, and meanwhile he could do more housework while you do more tending to the baby. On the other hand, your child's life is still going on, and your husband may need to get comfortable with settling a baby to sleep ahead of schedule. There is no good reason why a guy who can do what he does at work all day can't manage a young child.

You may also have to deal with him pulling back from the kids because he's upset with you. Men are more likely than women to let their relationship with their children be affected by their feelings about their spouse. Doing the right thing by his kids is ultimately up to him, but you can help in several ways. Tell him how much the kids need him, no matter what he thinks right now about you. And if you need to, you could play hardball, asking questions like Do you think a man should walk away from a responsibility just because he feels ticked off at a coworker? or When your kids are older, what will they wish you had done?

Work out housework issues. One mother said, He comes home from work and expects the house to look immaculate. I just don't care as much as he does, and even if I did, I would have to follow behind the kids every minute. On the other hand, a father commented. She thinks it's her house, that she has some kind of God-given wisdom about housekeeping because she's a woman. She freaks out if the dishes are not immediately done after dinner. She literally cannot sit still at the table and relax and talk if there's a dirty glass in the sink. A few suggestions: Agree to lower your standards while the kids are little. Keep one room as an orderly sanctuary. In age-appropriate ways, relentlessly prod kids to pick up after themselves.

Tackle high-stress situations together. For instance, analyze the morning madness. It all starts the night before, so perhaps he could promise to quit extending your daughter's bedtime with extra stories even though she loves them. Later that night, you could lay out her clothes while he sets up for breakfast. Maybe wake up fifteen minutes earlier to have a moment for yourself and a chance to get ready for the day. He could get your child into the car while you put on your makeup. And off you go.

In particular, pay special attention to working well together on any issues with your child, such as a challenging temperament. Try to talk about the different meanings that the situation may have for each of you; for instance, a mother often feels that a child's difficulty must somehow be her fault. He could read books on child development or on the particular issue. Make a clear plan together that will effectively address your child's needs; if you can't on your own, get a consultant or tiebreaker.

Balance the total stress load more or less evenly. Take into account the nature of each parent's job, the age and temperament of the children, and any other circumstances that pile on stress. Notice if one parent lets the other one handle the stressful jobs, or if one parent automatically jumps in first. Usually it's the mom who walks through the door and immediately dives in to settling a squabble or doing a load of laundry, while Dad goes off to change his clothes or sort through the mail. Maybe she should take a page out of his book and relax a bit first. And maybe he could agree to take more initiative with the kids and the household.

If he slides into fun jobs with the kids, like reading stories while you fold laundry or figure out the checkbook, that could be a break for you from mommy mode, but it could also mean that you're getting stuck with more than your share of the housework, which is often boring, unpleasant, and even depressing. To deal with this, try divvying up strictly household tasks, including paperwork, coordinating with others (like planning a birthday party), maintenance (who stays home to wait for the plumber?), and yard work. You could make a list of the major tasks in one column: scary! Then add two other columns, one for each of you, and mark who gets which job. Factor in that some jobs take longer or are worse than others (toilets . . .), consider alternating jobs (if it's an odd day, he does the dishes), and create something that's reasonably fair. If there's an impasse, you can flip a coin.

Perhaps you could afford an occasional housekeeper; it's cheaper than a couples counselor - or divorce lawyer. Worst case, you could go on strike and not do a particular job until there's some resolution; this would mean letting go of any compulsion you feel about it, but remember that he doesn't feel compelled, and that household tasks are not life-and-death matters. Address the impact of work on your family. It's very challenging if you both work full-time and get home around 6:00 or later to a mad flurry of activities ending in a collapse in bed. (Unfortunately, the effects of the two-career family are commonly framed to blame women; that's not at all our point since, in principle, a man could as readily scale back his career.) Alternately, you might work part-time or not at all while he puts in sixty or seventy hours each week, including business travel. A demanding job may be one way he fulfills his sense of responsibility as a provider, but some men use their work to hide from their family. Even with the best of motives, his big job is like an elephant in the living room, limiting the space that's left for family. In that situation, children frequently grow up with a subtle sense of fatherlessness. The dad misses out on a special time that will never be repeated, trading it for career moves that often could be postponed a few years. The mom becomes a de facto single parent. And it is hard to work around the elephant to maintain a deeply intimate marriage.

Sometimes absolutely nothing can be done about your job or his job. The best you can do then is to try to reduce your other stresses (e.g., lower your standards for housework, don't take on another puppy), increase your resources (like getting a neighborhood kid to do some yard work), and improve your psychological coping. Usually, though, you can do something about your circumstances, especially if you persist. Let's use the example of him working long hours while you stay home. The first step is to create a positive atmosphere for tackling the issue, approaching it as a "we-problem" with no bad guy. For instance, you could express your respect for how hard he works to provide for his family and your understanding that his career is very important to him. Second, challenge the assumptions that box you in. You could consider going back to work ahead of schedule (perhaps part-time), to ease the economic demand on him. He could do some soul-searching about:

• How this time with children is fleeting and unique, and that it's worth making a special effort to spend with them
• How his children, wife, or marriage would benefit if he were home more; how he would also benefit
• The beliefs that make him feel embarrassed about saying he needs to leave at 6:00 to get home to his kids, or the ways he may be getting caught up in a business warrior culture that prides itself on insane hours
• The extra work he might be doing for personal rewards distinct from what his family actually needs; personal fulfillment is a valid aim, but it's not selfless sacrifice
• How a small reduction in his time at work - say ten percent - would probably have little effect on his career but would double or triple his time with his kids, the epitome of a highly leveraged investment.

Third, make a long-term plan that is consistent with your deepest values, as well as financially realistic. Perhaps your overall quality of life would improve if you moved to a less expensive place or spent less money on discretionary items so you could spend more time with each other. The questions in the section "Your Values for Life and Money" (below) can help to clarify the values that shape these choices.

Unnecessary fears drive many financial decisions, and the antidote is clarity about money and the specific facts of your current expenses and future needs. It's not that hard. Books and websites can guide you through the details; please see the resources below for suggestions. On your own, in an hour or less, you could probably come up with a family budget that is accurate within ten percent. Estimating your needs down the road is more complicated, so it's wise to use a good book or a financial planner, especially if you and your husband disagree about priorities or methods. But with less effort than it took to equip your baby's bedroom, you can come up with a rational plan that makes your jobs serve you and your family, rather than the other way around.

Resources for Financial and Planning
Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach
9 Steps to Financial Freedom by Suze Orman
Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin
How to Raise Your Family on Less Than Two Incomes by Denise Topolnicki
www.aoa.gov/retirement/default.htm
learningforlife.fsu.edu/fp101 /
financialplan.about.com/money/financialplan/mbody.htm

Your Values for Life and Money
Please consider these questions:

• Imagine looking back on your life at age eighty or so: What will you be most glad about, and what will not have mattered much? From that perspective, how will you wish that you had approached money and career?
• Imagine that you have just a few years to live: What would your priorities be? Are there ways to be truer to those priorities if you were to live for fifty more years? How do you want your life to make a difference?
• What's your preferred pace of living? How important is leisure compared to accomplishment, status, or expensive toys?
• How much do you value time with your children, especially while they are young, compared to furthering your career or making money? How willing are you to defer saving for a few years when your children are little? At this time, how rapidly do you want to pay down any debts?
• What's your bottom-line limit on the number of hours each week you want your spouse or yourself to give to work (including commuting and business travel)? At this time, what standard of living are you determined to have, from weekly spending on lunches out to big-ticket items like major vacations or remodeling your home? What standard of living do you want to have in a few years?