Seven Ways to Discipline Effectively

Let's start with the effective big seven -- the most effective, kindest, most positive disciplinary techniques out there. These are the ones you should be using. Here they are, in alphabetical order (so you won't think I'm ranking them by merit):

• education
• expressing disapproval
• having a little discussion
• ignoring
• separation and replacement
• time-outs (also known as “thinking time”)
• warnings

Education

Education is a disciplinary technique, and I'm not talking about the normal use of discipline as a teaching tool. I mean using education as a direct consequence of misbehavior. Education is an opportunity to move your child to thoughtful from his normal stance as thoughtless.

In many cases, a child's misbehavior is based in ignorance. Racial slurs, or physically risky behavior (like smoking and driving too fast), can often be corrected easier and more effectively by a specifically educational response than by other forms of discipline (like scolding or making rules).

A child caught drinking to excess a couple of times could be taken to an AA meeting to see firsthand the ravages of alcohol. A child participating in racist behavior could be shown the movie Schindler's List, brought to a lecture on Martin Luther King, or, better yet, the whole family could get involved in community activities where the child can meet and become friendly with people from diverse racial groups.

Education is not about lecturing, and, since your child may not be open to hearing the truth from you, an educational consequence may be best imposed by another adult he respects.

Expressing Disapproval

Perhaps the simplest and most effective way of changing a child's behavior is to let her know that you disapprove of it. State your objections clearly, and give reasons. “Judy, I don't like it when you hit your sister. It's cruel and thoughtless, and I want my children to be kind and compassionate.” When your child hears your disappointment or disapproval, she may shape up. Your child needs your approval. Miss Judy will hear your anger, and resolve to change.

Disapproval works when it is stated clearly-once. Don't nag, rub it in, carry on, or hold disapproval as a grudge. What if you can't let it go? That's between you and you. Don't raise it again (and that means you)! Kids can hear a complaint or disapproval once-more than once erases the message from their little brains and closes their ears tighter than Scrooge's wallet.

Your disapproval needs to be expressed with conviction and passion, but without fury. Don't be wimpy or bossy:

• Wimpy parents tend to feel the disapproval, but express it so mildly and gently that no impact registers. Here's an example: “Honey, please don't pull Muffy's tail, dear. I really hate it when you do that, it's not a very nice thing to do, Sweetheart, and you want to be a nice little boy, don't you? Honey? Please stop for Mommy, dear. Mommy's getting a little bit upset and concerned,” and so on.
• Bossy parents tend to come down so hard on the disapproval that they frighten, or make their child feel like a personal failure or a dirty rotten piece of scum. Make sure that your disapproval transmits the message that it's the behavior you don't like, not the child.

Having a Little Discussion

When something goes wrong, the first and best response of all is usually to sit down and talk about it. Often, open communication is all that is needed to change behavior, or to make sure that a certain misbehavior doesn't happen again. All through this book are communication techniques you can use in your talks. You can talk with your child alone during special time and during family meetings.

Use your discussions to point out natural consequences that might occur from the misbehavior. Kids sometimes need help seeing the chain of events, and understanding why they happen.

At times, simply “talking about it” is not effective. You may be “talked” out. You've had these little chats in the past and nothing has changed-Amy keeps borrowing your clothes without asking. Or the rules and limits around the unacceptable behavior are so explicit and well understood that talking about it is counterproductive. Norman knows perfectly well that placing crank calls to 911 is hurtful and dangerous (it's also illegal). Talking about it won't help-other consequences, applied swiftly and fairly (like removing all phone privileges for a while) will be far more effective. Then you can talk about it.

Ignoring

When you're faced with mild, irritating misbehavior, sometimes the best response is to ignore it. Ignoring is a very active behavior; it doesn't mean just letting it slide and neglecting your child. Ignoring a behavior requires:

• Making an active decision to ignore it.
• Paying attention silently while you are actively ignoring it.
• Developing a poker face-a relaxed body, and straight, unimpressed face-and refuse to get riled by the annoying behavior.

What kind of behavior can you ignore? Certainly, never anything dangerous or hurtful to the child, anybody else, or any object. Good types of behavior to ignore would include: nail biting, nose picking, tuneless humming, minor swearing, foot jiggling, gross jokes, annoying laughs.

Kids often try out annoying behavior patterns, and, the more attention that is paid, the worse the patterns get. Ignoring is gentle, and it works. It's based on the premise that, for your child, negative attention (getting a rise out of you) will give him more satisfaction than will getting no attention.

It's not a new concept. You probably have your own version of the following story. In eighth grade, Randy Humphreys kept teasing me. “Just ignore him. He's just doing that because he likes you. If you ignore the behavior, he'll stop.” (Postscript trivia: Randy did stop. And at my 20th high school reunion, he apologized. “I was just doing it because I liked you,” he said.)

While you're ignoring, make a special point to encourage positive behavior-the behavior that you hope will replace the irritating misbehavior. If even one teacher had said, “Randy, I like the way you let Ericka get ahead of you in line today,” instead of, “Randy, stop bugging Ericka and get to the principal's office this minute!” things might have been very different.

If you choose to “ignore,” grit your teeth and be prepared for the behavior to get worse before it gets better. Your child, who is really trying his best to bug you, will now pull out all the stops. If you slip and react, even once, you'll have to start all over again. Give ignoring a chance, perhaps a commitment of a week or two. It's gentle, it's nonintrusive, and, as I know from personal experience with both my kids and stepkids, it can be very effective.

Separation and Replacement

Kids squabbling over an object? Take it away. (I used to hate it when my uncle did this to me and my cousins, but it sure was effective.) If you separate a child from an object, make sure you replace the activity with something productive. Putting the Nintendo on a high shelf without giving the kids something else to do will only leave them:

• Bored and ready to cause more trouble.
• Empty-handed-they'll have to fight each other.

Two rules:

1. Separation and replacement should never be done with glee (“Ha ha! I've taken away your favorite toy!”).
2. Only separate a child from an object when the object is related to the misbehavior. (In other words, if Joe is whacking Todd with the truck, the truck goes up. But Joe's Teddy bear-which sat watching the whole encounter with glassy eyes-stays down.)

Time-Outs (Also Known As “Thinking Time”)

Separation and replacement involves separating a child from an object. Time-outs are also a form of separation-separation from a situation. Time-outs (or thinking time) differs a bit depending upon the age and development of the child. The time-outs I'm describing here apply to school-age kids.

Time-outs separate a child from a situation in order to “break” the action and reset it on a new track. Time-outs take the child out of an environment that is reinforcing the negative behavior. For school age kids, time-outs shouldn't always be timed, they should allow the child enough time to change his mood on his own.

• Don't threaten time-outs, and don't think of them as punishments (“Hit me again and I'll put you in a time-out!”). They're meant to be used as an immediate, brief cooling-off period.
• Time-outs are most effective when a child needs help changing a mood.
• A time-out is over once the mood has been changed or the child has calmed down and regained self-control. Let the child determine when a time-out is over-she needs to learn to determine her own moods and rhythms.
• Time-outs are designed to remove a child from an environment where she is getting gratification for her negative actions. When she returns, don't let her resume her activity. Let her know that her actions were unacceptable. Move her into a more positive situation, and give her positive reinforcement. “The colors you're using on your self-portrait sure make me think of autumn!”
• Parents can take time-outs, too. (I do!)

Warnings

Your kid starts acting out, and the first thing you do is warn her: “Jasmine, cut it out or I'll take that paint brush away,” or “Cody, I'm counting to 10. One, two, three...”. In many cases, bingo! End of misbehavior! I'm warning you, warnings are not the same as threats. Threats are threatening; warnings simply put the child on alert that the behavior needs to stop, now, or there will be consequences. The best warnings clearly state the limit and the related consequence. Warnings only work if your child believes that you'll follow through. Be careful not to cry wolf. Be prepared for your child to call your bluff. The parents who are the most successful with warnings (you know them, they merely need to murmur, “Andrew,” and their child scampers to behave) are the ones who aren't afraid to follow through on each and every warning. Be consistent-it provides security for your child, and ensures that you'll be listened to.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Well-Behaved Child © 1999 by Ericka Lutz. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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