Self-Abuse, Eating Disorders, and Addiction

Life for older children is increasingly stressful. When stress and depression turn inward, many kids turn against their own bodies. While eating disorders and substance abuse and addiction are all forms of self injury, many distressed teens perform self-destructive behaviors that include cutting themselves, burning themselves, and extreme risk-taking.

Self-abuse may be hidden behavior (sliced arms under long sleeves, cigarette burns on the torso) or may be clearly visible—if you are looking for it. And some of it is a matter of a judgment call. Is that lower lip pierce a statement celebrating pain? Self-abuse has recently become so rampant among American teenagers, mostly female, that it's been dubbed “the anorexia of the '90s.” Self injurers cut or hurt themselves to relieve extreme anxiety. If your child is injuring herself, she needs help.

Eating Disorders

Eating disorders plague numerous bright, motivated girls. Many parents have some knowledge about the two most common eating disorders, anorexia (self-starvation) and bulimia (bingeing and purging). Though these eating disorders are extremely common among teenage girls and younger children (primarily girls), many are shocked when they discover that their daughter is suffering from an eating disorder. That's true for several reasons:

• Parents see their child every day and her loss of weight may be so gradual that they don't realize she's becoming anorexic.
• Many bulimics are of normal weight.
• Parents have natural defenses against accepting very painful realities.

Eating disorders are related to poor body image and stress. They are sometimes triggered by the loss of control children feel when their bodies start to show signs of development. Eating disorders are serious problems that, in the last number of years, have been recognized and heavily researched (even as the number of girls suffering from them has grown). There are many resources available for parents who think, suspect, or dread that their daughter has an eating disorder:

• Your daughter's school might have an educational program about eating disorders (many do) and probably has school staff or counselors with resources or information.
• Read. You'll feel less panicked the more informed you become. There are many books on the subject available in the public library, and many articles on the Internet.
• The American Anorexia/Bulimia Association offers support, literature, and information about anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders.

If you think your child is suffering from an eating disorder, don't ignore it, it probably won't just go away. Get help. You can't do this one alone. Start with your child's school and doctor's offices—they very often have on-site resources or recommendations.

It's important to understand that you cannot regulate your child's eating. Control and independence are two of the important reasons behind your child's eating disorder (the positive intent of it), which means that parental involvement will probably make it worse. (And worse often means hospitalization and permanent damage to her body—yes, this is serious stuff!) Back off, baby, and get her some professional help. With professional help, you may be able to help your child set her own goals and limits. Take care of yourself, too. Consider individual or family counseling. Being the parent of a child with an eating disorder can be very stressful.

Depression

Childhood is a time of fun, adventure, and joy, free from the cares of the adult world, a kind of paradise on earth: garbage! Contrary to this idealized view of childhood, the facts are that 10-35% of boys and 15-45% of girls suffer from depression.

Society has a hard time realizing that kids get depressed, and childhood and teen depression is sometimes difficult to diagnose. As a result, only about one-third of all depressed kids get treatment. Here are a few facts and suggestions for parents whose child might be depressed:

• Kids can't always express their feelings. Your child may not have the skills to let you know that she is depressed. Instead, you'll see it reflected in her behavior.
• Depression in kids is often confused with attention deficit disorder.
• Other symptoms of depression may include irritability, rage, and moodiness, sleeping problems, a change in interests (or loss of interests), disruptive behavior, unexplained fears, or a preoccupation with death.
• Depressed kids often complain of stomachaches, tiredness, and headaches.
• If depression is untreated, the depressed child is at high risk for drug and alcohol abuse.
• Depression in kids and teens is often successfully treated with psychotherapy (and in many cases, with drug therapy as well).
• Bring your child in for a check-up, express your concerns to the doctor, and make sure the doctor rules out physical causes.

Substance Abuse and Addiction

Drug and alcohol use is different from drug and alcohol abuse, and many, many kids experiment with mind-, mood-, or body-altering substances in their teen years. It's one thing to tolerate normal exploration, it's another to ignore a serious problem your child is having.

Drug abuse and addiction is serious and scary, and devastates lives—the life of the abuser, and everybody close to him. Many substance abusers begin their abuse very young, and there is an enormous increase of abuse in teenagers who have parents who are alcoholics or addicts.

If you compare a child whose parents don't abuse alcohol and drugs with a child whose parents (or parent) do, the numbers are shocking. According to Darryl S. Inaba and William E. Cohen (Uppers, Downers, and All Arounders: Physical and Mental Effects of Psychoactive Drugs), a child with one parent who is an alcoholic or an addict is 34% more likely to become an alcoholic or suffer from a drug addiction than a child who doesn't have an alcoholic or addicted parent. If both parents suffer, a child is 400% more likely to have addiction problems. And if the child is male with both an alcoholic or drug addicted father and grandfather, a child is 900% more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs than the male child whose father and grandfather do not abuse alcohol or drugs. Is this nature or nurture? Probably a little bit of both.

This means that if you have substance abuse problems and you don't want your child to follow in your footsteps, you need to take action.

It's not just kids of substance abusers who abuse substances, though. When a child or teen is stressed out, use can easily turn into abuse. How can you know when your child is in trouble with drugs or alcohol?

• It's not always as obvious as your child roaring home stinking of booze, slurring words, and crashing into walls. Those are pretty good signs, though.
• If your attitude is that “Kids will be kids,” you should still consider that perhaps your kid is being a “kid” a bit too often for her health.
• Garbage cans full of gin bottles, scary people calling all hours of the day and night, track marks—these are all obvious signs. But most young substance abusers are more devious (or not so far gone) and hide their activities. Look for more subtle clues (like the ones detailed above in “How Do You Know If Your Child Is in Trouble?” above). Troubles can't be compartmentalized (though when we're having them, we often delude ourselves that we can). If your child is abusing or addicted, there are probably other clues.

Relationship Abuses

Teenage girls are particularly vulnerable to relationship abuse, especially if their partners are older boys or men. Watch for changes in your daughter's social life. How does her boyfriend treat her? Has she lost touch with her friends because she's spending all her time with him? Does she truly seem happy? She may just be in love. Then again, she may be involved with a boy/man who is overly possessive.

When Your Child Runs Away

If life gets tense enough, your child may run away from home. Running away is often portrayed in books and movies as a grand adventure, an opportunity for a young person to find himself and come of age away from his staid, grumpy old parents. In reality, running away is very dangerous, and very scary (often for the kid, too!).

Kids run away when there is big trouble in their lives. A pregnancy, a failed class, a friend's suicide, threatened violence, a drug dealer seeking owed money, unbearable tension with you, or sexual or physical abuse are some of the reasons a child may choose to leave home. For some kids, running away seems the only way out of a bad situation. The vast majority of the time, they are wrong.

The world is not a benign place, especially for kids who've led a sheltered life and who aren't street smart. (These are often the kids seeking the glorious adventures promised in books and movies.) Young boys and young girls often end up abused and on the street, sometimes prostituting themselves for money.

If your child threatens to run away, take it seriously. You diminish her issues when you sarcastically pack her bag and put it by the door. If she does leave, look for her immediately. Contact her friends (though expect them to lie for her). If you have any reason to believe she has gone further than her best friend's attic (where she might be, taking a break from the world), contact the police. If she calls, swallow your anger and let her talk.

Once she returns (or is found), realize that this is a crisis, and a big call for changes and for help. Professional intervention will help all of you. Running away is a drastic step. What is too painful in your child's life? What is she avoiding?

When You Discover Misbehavior

If you discover your child in the middle of serious illegal misbehavior, you must stop it, and then you must decide how to deal with it. Do you turn in your own child? Do you apply consequences yourself?

• Stop your child, and if you cannot stop him, let him know that you will call in authorities. Let your child know clearly that you cannot condone or ignore the misbehavior. Express your dismay, horror, shock, and disapproval. Keep it calm—don't rant and rave (the calmer you are, the clearer and more effective your message will be).
• Acknowledge to yourself that your child has put you in an impossible situation.
• Get the child to a neutral place. Before anybody does anything else, allow some time to cool down.
• Your child should make restitution to anybody who has been injured by the misbehavior. How that should happen depends upon what's been done to the person's property or person.
• In some cases, restitution may be the only necessary consequence. In other cases, you may consider taking legal action, and calling in the police. Before you do this, think it through. This may have serious, long-term ramifications for your child, and for your relationship. Your relationship may never recover, as your child will likely perceive your act as breaking the trust between you, no matter how positive your intent. There's a big debate about the significance and effectiveness of “scaring a kid straight” by letting him have a taste of the justice system. Think long and hard before taking this step.
• If you decide not to have your child arrested, let him know there is a no-tolerance policy in effect, and any single breech of it will mean legal action will be taken.
• And yes, you need to find professional help for your child. Immediately.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Well-Behaved Child © 1999 by Ericka Lutz. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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