Spying on Kids
by Carleton KendrickAre you worried that your teenagers are up to no good? Tired of them keeping you in the dark about their private lives? Well, why not spy on them?
Recently, I watched "Keeping Tabs on Your Kids," a local TV station's profile of parents who spy on their adolescents. Sophisticated surveillance equipment. Private eyes. "Caring" parents doing whatever it takes to keep their kids out of harm's way.
Want to catch your kids smoking, drinking, drugging, hanging out with the wrong crowd? Just pay a visit to the spy store nearest you. Mine was about an hour away, according to the TV segment. This store features legal, high-tech equipment designed for personal use. Tiny mini-cams, hidden in the bow ties of teddy bears, desk clocks, and baseball caps--ideal for transmitting pictures of all the clandestine activities behind your teen's closed bedroom door. A bug to tap his phone line and a micro-homing device for his knapsack--to make sure he really is where he says he'll be after school.
A private eye, hired by a teenager's troubled mom to tail her son, smugly revealed he had caught the kid "red-handed." The boy's crime? Smoking cigarettes and drinking beer in a pool hall. And this Columbo wannabe has the videotape to prove it! Guess that'll show this boy he can't do bad things behind his mom's back and get away with it.
Spy and lose
Is it tempting to sneak a peek at your daughter's diary to see if her prolonged loss of appetite might be an eating disorder? Of course. Could you rationalize secretly searching your 15-year-old's room for drugs because he's exhibiting behaviors that are associated with drug abuse? I'm sure. Would you want your neighbor to spy on your teenage kids while you're away on vacation, to make certain they abide by your "no parties when we're away" rule? Perhaps.
Ask your kids how they'd react if you treated them like this. Here are some teenage responses I received: "I couldn't trust them or respect them anymore." "Your parents spying on you means they don't think you can make mistakes and learn from them." "If I caught my parents spying on me, I'd stay out of the house as much as possible and try to save up enough money to move out." Behind these angry responses lies a profound sense of sadness, disappointment, and betrayal.
Staying connected
So how do you make sure your teens are on the straight and narrow? You can't. And don't think you can forbid them to experiment with risky behavior. That's what they're good at during this stage, along with testing your limits. You can help them stay healthy, safe, and secure by doing the following:
- Keep communicating with your teens, even if they don't seem to be listening. Talk about topics that interest them.
- Respect and ask their opinions.
- Give them privacy. That doesn't mean you can't knock on their door when you want to talk.
- Set limits on their behavior based on your values and principles. They will grudgingly respect you for this.
- Continually tell them and show them you believe in who they are rather than what they accomplish.
- Seek professional help if your teen's abnormal behaviors last more than three weeks.
A 1997 landmark adolescent health study, which interviewed over 12,000 teenagers, concluded that the single greatest protection against high-risk teenage behavior, like substance abuse and suicide, is a strong emotional connection to a parent. Tough as it may be, you should always try to connect with them. And leave the spying to James Bond. It will only drive away the children you wish to bring closer.
Read Carleton Kendrick's bio.
