Do Parents Matter Anymore?

Judith Rich Harris is the author of The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do, a best-selling work controversial for the counterintuitive thesis emblazoned on the book cover: "Parents matter less than you think and peers matter more." Harris argues that a candid scientific reconsideration of the research shows that there exists no causal connection between the parenting of children ("nurture") and the eventual adults these children grow into: that's why for her the supposed fruits of parental "nurture" are merely the illusory product of an unconvincing "assumption." For her, what matters most is the "group socialization" that takes place in the "environment" of peers.

Instantly, the theory elicited fervent denunciations from eminent authorities and equally impassioned testimonials from comparably credentialed readers. Even some of those troubled by the argument found it a timely, useful corrective of parenting books, or at least those that suggest some magical formula for raising happy, successful children. Perhaps this theory could relieve some anxiety or self-recrimination on the part of parents; after all, if parents don't ultimately matter, they can't be blamed for whatever goes wrong.

Yet psychologist and author Howard Gardner, among others, adduced a danger: Harris's book could be "potentially harmful" if it discouraged "parents from promoting their own beliefs and values, and from becoming models of behavior, at a time when such values and models should be clearly and continually conveyed to children." And he suggested that the book was, on the whole, irresponsible.

We think that some of the vitriol aimed at Harris's book is unwarranted. For one thing, although her critics usually missed this, she does not contend that it's acceptable to mistreat or abandon your kids. Hardly. In fact, she argues in several places that it is extremely important to treat your kids respectfully, kindly, and generously. Why? Because they are human beings and deserve no less. In other words, she invokes the "moral imperative" as being "good enough reason to be nice to your kid."

Make no mistake, though. The Nurture Assumption is a fascinating work and a bracing read for all parents—and bracing in particular for those parents who are authors of parenting books, such as we are, even if we do not traffic in parenting formulas, magical or otherwise. Throughout this field guide we show how teenagers grow up just outside the purview of their parents. To some degree this seems to align us provisionally with Harris, but in most crucial respects—that is, in most practical respects—we must part company with her. Here's why we do, and why we believe parents do deeply, broadly, intensely matter both in the short- and long-term.

Parental Influence, Reexamined
Parenting is not a science; it's an art. Like the other arts, it resists codification and quantification. After all, we don't rely upon epidemiological or biogenetic or anthropological research to illuminate definitively the effect of, say, music on our lives or to explain the love and responsibility we individually affirm for our children or our spouses or our friends. Why? Because our feelings and our commitments are mysterious and difficult to speak about in the abstract, much less to quantify for statistical tabulation. That is ultimately why any so-called parenting style could never consist of a set of rules and injunctions. One day, for example, raising your voice in exasperation might be the right thing to do, though on most other occasions it would spell disaster.

Parents can effectively influence their teenagers only when they better understand the worlds their teenagers inhabit. Yes, peers are crucial. And though genetics is easily misunderstood, let's never lose sight of it: kids are not their parents even though they share their DNA. Yet everyone is familiar with the pervasive stereotypes suggesting that parents are fundamentally clueless about their kids' formative experiences (which are often assumed to be taking place in their peer groups). These stereotypes also suggest that when kids reach out to their parents (which happens continually) or vice versa, when parents reach out to their kids, they are stretching out from opposite sides of the Grand Canyon. We believe these stereotypes are dangerously misleading. So what is influence anyway, and how would we know we have—or had—any?

Take our story of the "undesignated" driver as a case in point. If you are a perfect role model of abstinence or temperance, will your child automatically follow suit? Of course not. All the human beings we know, and all the human beings who are your children, are too complicated for us to predict their behavior. We teach our children, we guide and support them, but we do not control them and their destiny. For that we should be glad. Because we cannot control them, they are free not only to love us and respect us but also to take responsibility for their own lives. And that is the essence of being a parent: letting your adolescent children go, but carefully, by stages and degrees (though by no means abandoning them), so that they may become who they are.

But in terms of influence, consider this. If you don't talk about alcohol, don't discuss responsibility behind the wheel, don't give them an out by establishing a no-questions-asked policy, don't assure them you will support them in complicated circumstances, and don't show them your willingness to listen to their side, what alternatives do they possess? That is, you influence them when you give them a way to cope and a chance to do the safe thing. It is not a cognitive matter, either, although cognition is not irrelevant (that's why you pitch your conversation on this topic differently, depending on age). For teenagers, knowledge of where their parents stand on crucial issues is hardly academic, and it is certainly more useful than ignorance. If teenagers are faced with risky possibilities and can conceive of no safe alternatives, what can we expect that they will do? Can you control them and their decisions? No. Can you influence them and their decisions? Definitely.

Again, it's essential to reimagine the terms, scope, and shape of our influence. Just keep in mind that parents who aren't from time to time surprised by their children simply aren't paying attention. Now let's go into a few areas where you might do something that will increase the chances of your teenager making sounder choices than those made by Josh, Dex, and Steve.

Excerpted from:

From Field Guide to the American Teenager by Michael Riera, and Joseph Di Prisco. Copyright © 2000. Used by arrangement with The Perseus Books Group.

To order this book visit perseusbooksgroup.com.