Parent Intuition and Teens

When kids become teenagers, too many parents mysteriously stop trusting their intuition. That is, five years ago, when your daughter was nine years old and had a guilty look on her face, you would confront her with your intuition without hesitation. What's going on here? You look fidgety and guilty. You can't even look me in the eye. What did you do wrong? At this point, your daughter would either 'fess up to the wrongdoing or sulk away in a huff. Either way, you both win. You've stood your ground as a parent and she's learned that her parents care enough about her to hold the limits even when they aren't sure exactly just what limits they are holding. You see, even when she doesn't confess to you, your calling her on her behavior (even without proof) says to her that you are noticing her behavior and aren't afraid to comment and step in. For most kids, this is enough to persuade them to stop that behavior.

And parental intuition frequently supersedes expert opinions, which is something most parents learned just after their children were born.

Vincent was only eighteen months old, but he was terribly bothered by something. He couldn't sleep, he was cranky, and he had no appetite. I thought for sure that it was an ear infection, but his physician ruled that out quickly. Instead, he insisted that there was nothing wrong with Vincent, that perhaps it was just a growth spurt.

I tried to believe him, but in my heart I knew something was wrong with Vincent—maybe the doctor had worked with thousands of babies, but I was the only mom Vincent knew. After a couple more days with no improvement, I went to another doctor's office for a second opinion. Still nothing. But three days later, on a visit to a third physician, we found out that Vincent did indeed have something wrong with him. It was an unusual illness, but still the first two doctors had missed it, even assuring me that everything was fine.

Eventually, with the right medicine and a few days of rest, Vincent was his old self. And I learned more than ever to trust my intuition around my son. Always.

These days, there are experts of all sorts, but none of them knows your child better than you. Wise parents consult experts whenever possible, but seldom follow their advice blindly. Instead, they filter the advice through their own knowledge and expertise of their sons and daughters, then they decide on the appropriate action.

That trust in your intuition, however, wanes as your child grows older and eventually enters adolescence. When your son is fourteen and has that same look on his face (the look that he had as a child who was up to no good), rather than confronting him with what your intuition is saying—that something is amiss—many parents instead walk away and look for proof of wrongdoing. Instead of acting like parents, we act like detectives or district attorneys, neither of which is very helpful to our teenagers. Throughout your teenager's adolescence, it pays to remember the words of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, which, even though said in a very different context, are even more appropriate when it comes to intuition and your teenager: "The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."

One of the byproducts of less faith in our intuition is that we are more vulnerable to our fears, which in turn causes us to lecture more, negotiate less, argue more, and laugh less, all of which creates further distance between ourselves and our teenagers. Without our intuition, we're left at the mercy of the media; and I've rarely, if ever, seen a teenager in the mainstream media who resembles any of the over 20,000 teenagers I've worked with during my career. Instead, we see stereotypes foisted one on top of another, a spectacle that leaves us quaking in our boots when our teenager enters the room with a blue streak in her hair, or with two inches of his underwear extending beyond the waistband of his jeans. When we don't trust our intuition, we begin to view our own kids through the dominant stereotypes presented in the media.

This all goes right back to what that father said about lecturing because he wasn't sure what else to do. Listening to and trusting your intuition is one of those something else to do's. It's also what keeps you connected to your teenager despite all the negative stereotypes floating around.

For our teenagers' sakes and for our relationships with our teenagers, we need to give more mind to our intuition.