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Parent-Teen Relationships

Mothers and Daughters: Fire Meets Fire
Without a doubt this is the most intense of all relationships, sparks alternately flying around and threatening to blaze the surroundings and then coming to rest in the intimate warmth of a glowing campfire. Until adolescence, the mother-daughter relationship is one of general warmth and closeness. Sure, there are the occasional blow-ups, but most resolve themselves with heartfelt apologies from both sides, and lots of hugs. In the younger years, daughters freely profess their love and admiration of their mothers. When I grow up I want to be like you, Mommy. We can always work things out because we listen to each other, right?

But during adolescence, when the teenage daughter is faced with the task of differentiating herself, the mother-daughter relationship becomes one of alternating intimacy and hate, both marked with an intensity that only teenagers can bring to a relationship and bring out of their parents.

My daughter and I are either best friends or worst enemies. There is no in-between. Sometimes she confides in me as an ally. Sometimes she wants to hang out with me—well, mostly when I offer to take her shopping. Sometimes we even discuss her future in civilized and intimate ways. But at other times, we can't even be in the same room without insulting each other—yes, I admit it, sometimes I'm just as bad as she is, maybe even worse. The worst part is that everything can be fine between us when I make some tiny suggestion to her—Why don't you do your homework now? Your other shoes would look better with those pants—that sets her off. She accuses me of trying to control her when I make these innocuous suggestions. But at other times she seeks me out for a wardrobe consultation and hangs on my every word. It's nutty.

Teenage girls want both their freedom from and their connection to their moms, but they are just not sure how to navigate the terrain and as a result give lots of mixed messages. When teenage daughters are exercising their autonomy in their attempts to construct a differentiated self, they push their moms away. Author John Gray believes that because girls overcomplied with their mothers during childhood, there is a certain rebound effect away from their mothers in adolescence: "To develop a sense of self, adolescent girls feel a greater need to fight, defy, or rebel against their mother's control." But given the female inclination towards relationships and connection, moms are not going to take these pushes passively. Just when their daughters need independence, their moms need connection. This is the old Mars-Venus dynamic at play, but instead of the males needing space and the females pursuing, the daughters are pushing away and the moms are pursuing.

On the other hand, when daughters are looking for connection, they typically turn to their mothers. When the mom is available, these are some of the most treasured and intimate moments between mothers and daughters; they just don't last all that long.

There is one additional variable that is too huge to overlook here which, when in place, plays havoc with the mother-daughter relationship during adolescence: The Two M's, Menstruation and Menopause. During a teenage girl's adolescence, marked by her beginning to menstruate, many moms are going through their own set of physical and hormonal changes in the form of menopause. At the very least, these two sets of hormones and physical changes happening in the same relative time frame in the same home is a recipe for interpersonal inconsistency and strife, to put it mildly.

It seemed that there was only a week or two between when I experienced my first hot flashes and my daughter had her first period. And for me, menopause was the whole deal: hot flashes, irritability, mood swings, even the ringing in the ears (tinnitus). With my daughter going through all her mood swings and physical changes from menstruation, we were like two alley cats trapped in a tight space. Talk about a cruel joke by Mother Nature! It wasn't until later in her adolescence that we connected in any consistent way—it was that big of a deal for us.

The dangerous dynamic here is that mothers, in their attempts to keep the relationship alive and healthy, might smother their daughters. Mothers have to learn to stay close while also giving their daughters the space in which to claim their independence. If your parents bought into the prevailing gender stereotypes of their day, the danger is that as a teenage daughter you were never able to declare your autonomy while staying connected to your mom. That is, you either had to stage an outright revolt, possibly even running away from home, or you had to sacrifice yourself for your mother's lack of ability to differentiate herself from you. If either of these dynamics applies to you, you need to appreciate the power of your past to make sure you don't do the same with your daughter, or, in an attempt to correct the misdeeds of your mother, the opposite. Mothers and Sons: Fire Meets Rock
This relationship, in stereotypical form, is dominated by a mom's need to connect and her son's need to differentiate himself, often at his mother's expense. Most sons simply don't communicate that well with their moms, at least in their moms' words.

My son and daughter are so different. I mean, foremost they are both teenagers, and that definitely dominates the scene at home. But with my daughter, when I can finally get through all her teenage angst, we really talk. We laugh, cry, and just enjoy hanging out in moments like this. Time seems to rush by when we're in synch like this. But with my son, even when we are in synch he doesn't have much to tell me. It's like he is in his own world and I can't penetrate it.

Of course, teenage boys have a different perspective on the mother-son relationship:

My mom is, like, constantly in my face—it's like she wants to know everything I do and think. And she can't take a hint. She doesn't realize that when I go into my room after school, close the door, and turn on the stereo that I don't want to talk. No, she knocks on my door everyday and wants to hear all about school. It's just crazy—I wish she could just give me some space. I don't hate her, but I do hate how she sometimes barely gives me enough room to breathe.

Sons are struggling for autonomy and identity, which means that on some level they will reject their mothers as a primitive form of "not-me" and discern for themselves just who they are and what it means to be male. This is particularly so during early adolescence, when boys are going through or have just gone through puberty. At no time in his life does he feel more unlike his mother than now as he grapples with the physical and hormonal changes associated with puberty. Worse, from his perspective at least, even if he did want to talk about these changes, it would not be with a female, especially his mother.

The good news, however, is that once they have put enough distance between the two of you, have adapted to puberty, and have established themselves somewhat as individuals, they are open to bringing you back into the fold. And who better in the world to help them grapple with two of the perennial issues of adolescence: intimacy and the opposite sex.

Will and I had a tough stretch for a couple of years, when he was thirteen and fourteen years old. It seemed that no matter what I said, he either disagreed or just tuned me out and walked away. It was aggravating. But somehow we got through it, and now things are good between us. I give him more space than I prefer, but he opens up to me more than I ever expected—especially compared to those first couple of years during adolescence.

It all shifted after his first girlfriend broke up with him. When I walked by his door, I saw him sitting in his room with a depressed look on his face. I stopped and returned for two reasons: the look on his face and the open door, which was a first. (I took the open door as handwritten invitation to talk.)

"What's up, Will? You seem down."

"I just don't get it, Mom. Why did Sherry break up with me?"

I sat down on the edge of the bed. He made room for me.

"At first she liked me because I wasn't like other guys: I'm sensitive, I listen, and I talk to her about my feelings." I began to swoon on the bed. Was this really my son? "But now those are the exact reasons she breaks up with me. She says I'm too serious when all she wants is a casual relationship. She even said I should try being more like other guys."

That I managed a response was a minor miracle. "Really?"

"Mom, you're a girl. What do women want in men?"

That sure took me by surprise, but it's also the kind of question I had always wanted him to ask. Not that I had an answer, but exploring the question with my son is the stuff families are made of, at least in my mind.

When they are with their moms, teenage sons sometimes are able to let down their guard. For many teenagers, searching for identity initially includes buying into the gender stereotypes, especially for boys. As a result, in front of peers they play the male role, staying tough and in charge on the outside, but away from peers, especially when with their moms, they drop their guard.

I remember watching my son, Peter, play on the school soccer team during his freshman year and noticing how rough the game was being played. The referees were letting a lot go and the players were getting pretty aggressive with one another. But neither of the coaches said anything, nor did any of the players, either. It was almost an unspoken ethos to not complain. Anything to avoid the moniker of sissy, or even worse. At least, that's what I imagined.

Peter sat through the postgame meeting, said goodbye to his friends, and eventually found his way to me as I waited for him in the parking lot. He looked just as he did on the field, kind of stoic, but in a sad way.

"Tough game today."

"Yeah."

"Seemed kind of rough, too."

"Mom, I don't want to play soccer anymore." This from a kid who had lived and breathed the sport for the past six years. His room looks like a shrine to World Cup Soccer.

"Where's this coming from?"

"It's just no fun anymore. I don't like it."

"This have anything to do with how rough the game was today?"

Nothing. I waited some more, heard him sniff, and out of the corner of my eye saw his left hand wipe away a tear from his cheek.

"You okay, Peter?"

It was too late, he was falling apart. I pulled over and comforted him while he had a huge cry—the way he cried when he was six or seven years old. He was scared, confused, angry, embarrassed, and, above all else, emotionally hurt from how rough soccer had become. And he was at a threshold, either to ignore his feelings and continue to play soccer to be "tough" in the only way he knew or to acknowledge his emotions and get away from soccer. Fortunately, after some conversation, he realized there were other options available to him, and that there are lots of kinds of tough, including playing a rough sport and having feelings.

It's often with their moms that boys risk emotional vulnerability. That's why it's so important for moms in particular to give them some of the space they need, but not too much. It's also why differences between the genders are good. In this example, the mom's greater access to feelings and emotions makes it safe for her son to explore and express feelings that are typically difficult for an adolescent boy to acknowledge.

When fire meets the rock, neither overwhelms the other. Instead, the fire warms the rock, but it takes time. And when that happens, they are able to coexist—the rock stays warm and the fire knows the rock will emit its heat long after the fire has been extinguished. Fathers and Sons: Rock Meets Rock
On the outside, this relationship often presents itself as the most peaceful, but is that because of a mutual respect or an accepted disconnect? Fathers and sons intuitively understand the need for independence and identity through a respect of the basic rights of individuals. For sons, this respect is created through accomplishment in a chosen area: academics, social, sports, drama, church. And fathers allow them the space for this and offer their support, too. But seldom is this support addressed directly. The quintessential father-son relationship is played out side by side, engaged in activity. And what is not said is often as important as what is.

"So you really think you're ready for a full-time job this summer?"

"Yeah. Otherwise, I'll just sit around all day, which is boring. Besides, I could use the money."

"What kind of work you thinking of?"

"Doesn't matter. Maybe something physical that will keep me in shape for football when school starts."

"Don't suppose you would want to work in my office? I could talk to my boss."

"Nah. Would hate being indoors all summer. Thanks anyway."

"We could talk to your Uncle Stan, he's the foreman of a construction crew downtown. If he's hiring summer help, I'm sure he would consider you."

"Cool."

"We can call him when we get home if you like."

"Thanks, Dad."

A great deal about the father-son relationship is implicit, especially during adolescence. The danger here, though, is that boys miss out on their dads just when they need them, when they struggle with what it is to be male. That is, out of respect for independence, fathers can erroneously give their sons too much room. And like mothers with daughters, fathers must examine the gender biases of their own childhoods. Which assumptions and biases are you prepped to pass on to your son? The point is that if you want to pass on a different and more liberating set of gender expectations, you need to take an active role in making it happen, otherwise it'll never occur.

My father was the classic male of his day. He worked sixty hours a week so that my mom didn't have to work, even though we barely ever saw him. And when he was home, he stayed to himself, and definitely never opened up to us. Although I love my dad, I vowed to be different with my kids, especially my son. Even though it's difficult, I go out of my way to talk about my emotions with him, something my dad never did with me. It's awkward for both my son and me, but it's getting better. I just want him to realize that being male doesn't mean not having feelings.

Fathers and Daughters: Rock Meets Fire
In all parent-child relationships, the level of engagement and trust, at least as reported by children and teenagers, diminishes by about the same amount across the board when children become teenagers, except, that is, for fathers and daughters. This relationship experiences a greater drop in closeness than all the others.

Stop and consider the players involved and this only makes sense. Fathers are most at home with the dynamics of independence, autonomy, and justice, which means these are the filters through which they interpret most behavior. Thus, when their teenage daughters push them away—as they need to do to assert their autonomy—they take this literally and personally, which leads them to back off. (Consider this in juxtaposition to mothers, who, when pushed away by their daughters, refuse to go and instead only push back harder—thus the intensity and volatility of that relationship, but also the connection.) Fathers, through their orientation towards accomplishment and independence, believe they are giving their daughters the space that they are demanding. Their daughters, however, feel that their fathers abandon them when they need them most.

The differences between the genders hit me in the face the other night. Jessica, my fifteen-year-old daughter, was upset and on the verge of tears about something. Whatever it was, she was so stressed that when I asked her if she was okay she said no. Then she proceeded to tell me why, or at least a thumbnail version. "I found out that Chelsea and Monique are going to a party tomorrow night that they told me they weren't going to. They're ditching me!" I couldn't follow much of what came next, but I got the gist of the situation.

"Well, it sounds like they're not really your friends."

"Dad! We've been best friends since, like, the third grade. How can you say that?"

Rather than defend what had just gotten me in trouble with Jess, I tried a new tack. "Any chance it's just a misunderstanding? Are you sure they are leaving you out?"

"Of course I'm sure. They lied to me."

"Maybe you can call them and tell them what you've heard—maybe they have an explanation. I'm sure there's some sort of explanation."

"Dad, you're impossible. Don't you get it? They're ditching me."

Next thing I knew she was closing the door to her room, which she had just entered, leaving me in the hall by myself and scratching my head. That's when my wife came by. "Everything okay with Jess?"

"Not really. She thinks her friends ditched her and I think I only made things worse."

"Hmm, mind if I have a try?"

"Be my guest, but don't get your hopes up."

Thirty minutes later, Jess and my wife came downstairs with their arms around each other's shoulders. Jess's eyes were red from tears, but she had a gentle smile on her face. "Everything okay, you two?"

My wife replied, "Sure, we're just going to make a couple of fruit smoothies; want one?"

"C'mon, Dad, we make them better than you can get at the store. Right, Mom?"

Later that night, when I was alone with my wife, I asked her what had happened. What had she said to get Jess to open up and to snap out of her angry depression? She just smiled and said, "Not much really, I just said that she must feel awful given what her friends had done. At that she just broke into tears and hugged me the way she did when she was a little kid. Honest, I didn't say much. After that, all I did was reassure her that she would be fine, no matter what Chelsea and Monique did."

With her connection to her friends in jeopardy, what Jessica needed was to reconnect with her parents. Her mom offered that reconnection by acknowledging the suffering and opening the doors for an emotional connection. Her dad had unintentionally closed the door on that reconnection by focusing on problem solving and fairness without ever touching upon the underlying emotions.

On top of all this, there is one more issue that fathers seldom confront directly: their daughters' emerging sexuality. As their daughters grow into young women, something that no father can miss, most dads aren't sure what to do, so most take the safe way out and step back, giving their daughters even more room. That is, the hugging, hand-holding, and general touching that typifies many father-daughter relationships before puberty are now punctuated by a distinct lack of physical contact. Worse, in retrospect at least, many fathers realize that one of the primary ways they connected with their daughters before puberty was through physical play and spontaneous physical gestures of affection. But suddenly, all the connection that occurred through physical contact disappears, which is something that is alternatively confusing and liberating to their daughters. They see their fathers withdraw from them without understanding why. And for someone driven by relationships (females), this development is tough to reconcile.

It was so strange after I hit puberty. I was totally uncomfortable with my body and the fact that I was all of a sudden having a period every month and that my boobs were growing out of control; all this made me neurotic about myself. And my dad didn't help. It's like he just removed himself from me. He kept himself at a distance, as if I had cooties or something. I hated it and hated him for how he was treating me.

But on the other hand:

Ever since I reached puberty, I can't stand it when my dad wants to hug me or put his arm around me. It's just too weird. And whenever I bristle if he reaches out to me like I'm some little kid, he gets that hurt puppy dog look on his face, which only makes everything worse!

The big hurdle for fathers to get over is to learn how to make an emotional connection not heavily dependent on physical contact. Or as John Gray says: "To bond with his daughter, a father needs to put in time asking informed questions and to practice listening without always offering advice."