Your Teenager's Strengths and Weaknesses

In studying the qualities of successful business people, researchers have come across a few unexpected discoveries. The top one on my list is that successful people tend to focus on building their strengths and avoiding their weaknesses, which is different from what many of us were taught as children. The idea then was to improve your weaknesses for better performance. But business leaders do the opposite, and with great success. In essence, they know themselves well enough to make sure they surround themselves with coworkers of different skill sets, which gives them even more freedom to run with their strengths.

To a large degree, the same is true for parents, at least in a couple of key areas: your natural strengths and the stages of parenting. We all know the areas in which we shine with our kids. For some, it is as the enthusiastic supporter who shows up to cheer on her kids at all sorts of events and performances. For others, it is as the comedic-teaser, giving one another good-natured ribbings. Some parents may be the quintessential listeners who let children speak their minds fully and then wait to let the next layer unfold. For yet others, it is in the doing of things together: cooking, hiking, swimming, drawing, reading. Or maybe a parent's strength is in the fine art of hanging out together, in the car, at the grocery store, late at night eating popcorn in front of the television. Or a parent may be effective as a teacher, helping him to learn how to sound out his first words, instructing her in how to change the car oil, showing her how to strike the nail with a hammer, without injuring yourself.

In your daily life with your teenagers, it's important to find those moments for yourself, because when you are your most comfortable the likelihood that you'll connect with your teenager rises.

You also know where and when you are at your best outside the home. Part of what every parent wants to do is to incorporate, whenever possible, these areas into their parenting duties; this deepens the connection between the you and your teenager. Your teenager sees you at your best and is able to discover parts of you that might not normally reveal themselves otherwise. In short, you need to find places and times in your family life when you naturally shine.

From the time I was a little kid, my dad used to drag me to his basketball practices—he was a coach at the local state college—and when I was a teenager I used to insist that he still take me. It was fun for me, in part because I loved to play basketball and in larger part because I got to see my dad in his world. He was a great coach. It was even cool to see how all these older guys—college players—respected him, and as a result they treated me well, too. His shine seemed to rub off onto me, at least in their eyes.

This is why, no matter what you might think about the safety issues involved, I loved what Dusty Baker did in the 2002 World Series when he invited all the players to have their kids in the dugout, where they acted as batboys and wore San Francisco Giant uniforms. It's also why "Take Your Kids to Work Day" of all types are great ideas—your kids see parts of you that are normally just off to the side of their everyday lives with you.

This is a dynamic with which all parents are familiar. When our strengths overlap—and our weaknesses, too—this is what leads to flipping a coin to see who loses. It's your turn to be the limit setter—get him bathed, in his pajamas, teeth brushed, and read to. Call me when you're ready for hugs and kisses. At other times, these similarities lead to sparks between us. You are too hard on her. Give her a break. She needs tenderness now, not tough love. This is the grist for the mill of everyday parenting.

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