Knowing When to Be There for Your Teen

Your teenager is two people in one: a regressed child who lives at home and an emergent adult who shows herself outside of the home. Therefore, one of your primary tasks is to catch glimpses of this emergent adult whenever possible so that you have a connection with both aspects of your teenager—her regressed part and her emergent adult part. This habit helps you to have confidence in your teenager and keeps the connection between you and her strong, vibrant, and robust. The difficult part is in learning to read between the lines as to when you are invited to show up on your own, or at least with minimal initiative on your teenager's part, and when you need to stay away.

In this regard, it's vital for you to understand that although most adolescents tend towards overstatement and exaggeration as a matter of course—It was totally awesome! It was, like, the most amazing time I've ever had!—there is one notable exception: expressing their vulnerability with you. In particular, leaving themselves open to your rejection, and, believe it or not, they feel vulnerable with you more often than you might realize.

Imagine it's a weekday evening and you've just learned that your sixteen-year-old daughter has a home soccer game the next day. Here are five scenarios and the translations for what your teenager is really thinking, but can't say for fear of appearing too vulnerable.

• First scenario:
—Want me to come to the game tomorrow?
—Guess so. If you want.
Translation: She really wants you to come to the game.
• Second scenario:
—Want me to come to the game tomorrow?
—It's up to you. Probably won't be much of a game—they're not very good—so I may not even play in the second half.
Translation: She really wants you to come to the game.
• Third scenario:
—Want me to come to the game tomorrow?
—I don't care. You've been to the last couple, so no real need to come, unless you've got nothing better to do.
Translation: She really wants you to come to the game.
• Fourth scenario:
—Want me to come to the game tomorrow?
—You want me to decide whether you come to my game or not but you won't let me decide on my own whether I can go to the party on Saturday night?
Translation: She really wants you to come to the game.
• Fifth scenario:
—Want me to come to the game tomorrow?
—Absolutely not! I don't even want you within a block of the field. Understand?
Translation: She does not want you to come to the game—really!

Most of the time, the best your teenager can do is to leave you an opening in which to invite yourself. Any more than that is felt as too vulnerable, like going out too far on the limb and risking unnecessary exposure and liability. Sure, they'll risk this from time to time, but it is much easier if you become conversant in their world and recognize the invitation for what it is without making them speak so explicitly. That is, the more you learn to read between the lines during the little interchanges, the stronger your connection, which in turn lays the groundwork for your teenager to express more vulnerability in the bigger conversations.

More on: Staying in Touch with Your Teen