Supporting Your Gay Teen
There are few parents who can easily and completely accept the news that their child is gay. Even those who are comfortable with homosexuality and same-sex marriage may find themselves having difficulty. They may feel that they have done something that "caused" homosexuality in their child. They may be saddened to think that they won't have grandchildren, feel that they have "lost" their child, or worry that life will be hard for him or her. If you have these kinds of feelings after learning that your child is gay, give yourself time to process them and educate yourself with some facts. You'll find that none of those fears is a given. Your child is the same person he or she was yesterday, and needs your love and support more than ever.
Risks Facing Gay Teens
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) stresses that sexual orientation is not a mental disorder, and that the causes of homosexuality are not fully understood. Furthermore, a person's sexual orientation is not a matter of choice, and attempts to change it may be harmful.
However, the AACAP identifies a number of concerns for gay teens, including:
- Feeling different from peers.
- Feeling guilty about their sexual orientation.
- Worrying about the response from their families and loved ones.
- Being teased and ridiculed by their peers.
- Worrying about AIDS, HIV infection, and other sexually transmitted diseases.
- Fearing discrimination when joining clubs, sports, seeking admission to college, and finding employment.
- Being rejected and harassed by others.
Gay teens who are struggling with these issues may start to withdraw from activities and friends, have trouble concentrating, and develop low self-esteem. Some may become seriously depressed and begin to think about or attempt suicide. Parents and others need to be alert to these signs of distress and be ready to intervene. Recent studies show that gay youth account for a significant number of deaths by suicide during adolescence.
How You Can Help Your Gay Teen
The AACAP suggests counseling for teens who are uncomfortable with their homosexuality or who need help adjusting to personal, family, and school-related issues or conflicts that emerge. But they condemn therapy aimed specifically at changing sexual orientation - as do the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the American Medical Association. The AACAP also cautions parents not to interfere with their child's decision to disclose or keep private their orientation.
Parents and other family members may gain understanding and support for themselves and their gay child through organizations such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). PFLAG offers support through some 500 chapters in all 50 states, as well as lots of information on their website (pflag.org). Below are just a few of the "do's and don'ts" that PFLAG believes the parents of gay teens need to know:
Don'ts for Parents
- Don't blame your own feelings on your child.
- Don't rush the process of trying to understand your child's sexuality or gender identity.
- Don't assume that your child should see a professional counselor or encourage him or her to participate in "reparative therapy."
- Don't criticize your child for being different.
- Don't try to break up loving relationships.
- Don't try to force your child to conform to your ideas of proper sexual behavior.
- Don't blame yourself because your child is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender (GLBT).
- Don't demand that your child live up to your idea of what a man or woman should be.
- Don't discriminate against your child.
- Don't force your own life goals on your child.
- Don't insist that your morality is the only right one.
Do's for Parents
- Do listen to what your child has to say about his or her life and experiences.
- Do take the time to seek information about the lives of GLBT people from parents of GLBT people, friends of your child, literature, and, most of all, directly from your child.
- Do get professional help for anyone in the family, including yourself, who becomes severely depressed over your child's sexuality or gender identity.
- Do accept that you are responsible for your negative reactions.
- Do respect your child's right to engage in loving relationships.
- Do try to develop trust and openness by allowing your child to be who she or he is without pressure.
- Do be proud of your child's capacity for having loving relationships.
- Do look for the injured feelings underneath the anger and respond to them.
- Do defend your child against discrimination.
- Do support your child's individual goals, even though they may differ drastically from your own.
- Do say "I love you."
PFLAG offers a free Q&A booklet for the parents of gay, lesbian, and bisexual children on their website; you can download it here.
