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Parenting from the Same Page

One mother told Rick: I think Angelina, our four-year-old, should watch only an hour of TV per day. My husband mumbles, "Okay, honey," but when I leave the house I come back to see her glued to the tube. It's not just TV. I say no sweets, he says just a couple. I say no spanking, he thinks a swat is okay. I say bed by eight, but that means I've got to do it. I read books about parenting and he reads the sports section of the paper. I'm afraid we are confusing our daughter, plus driving each other crazy.

It's hard to get on the same page, since parents often have different values in child rearing, and issues of who gets to be right or in charge muddy the water. Yet children get confused when their parents have different approaches, and they're more likely to play one parent against the other: But Dad said I could! And it is disheartening when your partner approaches the most important undertaking of your life in a way that seems wrongheaded or cavalier.

Minor differences in parenting style are all right. Besides helping children prepare for a variety of teachers and (eventually) bosses, complementary approaches can build on each other, like Mom being more of a tender owie-kisser and Dad an exuberant horsieback-ride-giver, so kids get the best of both worlds. But major differences in parenting values or actions are a problem. To solve it, the first step is to pin down exactly what they are, so we suggest you take a moment to fill out this questionnaire.

Taking Steps Yourself
While it may seem unfair to be the one who makes the first move, trying to be a better partner yourself will evoke positive behavior from your husband, reduce his reasons for being irked with you, and, if nothing else, let you stand on principle if he is dragging his feet. And there will be a better result when you and he take steps together.... Here's a buffet of options, focused on the common situations of a somewhat disengaged father, or one whose parenting style differs in some ways from his wife's.

Have confidence in his fundamental ability to be a parent. Hundreds of studies have shown that a father is just as able to parent with love and skill as a mother. For example, when babies cry, the typical father gets just as upset inside as his wife does, and just as relieved when the baby settles.

Encourage him. Try to be encouraging (though not patronizing) if he is learning a new skill. Suppose he feels awkward holding a little baby: reassure him that he's doing fine, and perhaps disclose ways you, too, have felt a little klutzy.

Acknowledge him. Admit it when his way worked, even though it was different from yours, or when you learned something from him. Emphasize what you appreciate about his parenting, rather than what you wish were different. See the strengths in his approach and understand the values it is based on.

Let him learn. Let him be the one who handles a tantrum from start to finish, or who tries to get a child to eat some carrots. Occasionally direct the kids to him for things you normally provide, so he gains more experience with those parts of child rearing. If you can, arrange for him to spend extended times alone with your children, such as an entire evening from dinner to bedtime, or better yet, a full day or two while you go on a business trip or (best of all) take a mini-vacation. When there's a meeting with the pediatrician or a teacher, do what you can to have your husband come, such as saying that the person wants to talk with both parents. When you're there, try to have roughly half of the conversation be with your husband. For example, if the professional asks a question, you can remain silent, or smile at him and ask, "What do you think?"

Let him experience the consequences of his actions, so he can see for himself why you do things differently. For example, if he wants to play roughhouse with the kids just before bed, tell him he can settle them down for sleep.

Try not intervening in situations where you normally step in (unless something truly abusive is occurring), and see what happens instead. Things may turn out better than you feared, or perhaps your husband will see from his own experience that he needs to take another approach.

Understand the whole picture before you jump in. Be aware of how your emotions, beliefs, or previous experiences can make a situation look worse than it really is. A father once told Jan: Our five-year-old son, Pete, whines and gets upset real easily. If we roughhouse, he gets mad over nothing, and then my wife, Joanie, comes in and yells at me. We were playing basketball in the backyard one day, and I was letting him win and he was happy. Then he missed a shot, and I got the ball for my turn. But he wanted the ball. I explained it was my turn, but he started to cry. Joanie heard him and ran outside, glared at me, and said really nastily, "Can't you ever play without making him cry??!" But I didn't do anything! First she tells me I don't do enough with him, and then she's mad at me when I do. She's always watching, ready to pounce for the least thing. Again, try to get the full story before you react.

Don't micro-manage. Try not to be controlling, dogmatic, or self-righteous about small matters. That way, you'll be more credible when you discuss the big ones, and your partner will probably feel less defensive. Many disputes about parenting are inherently minor: if he puts an orange top and purple pants on your preschooler, maybe you should just smile to yourself and let it go. Every time you argue with him about how he parents, there's an emotional cost for each of you, plus it discourages his involvement. Sometimes the issue is worth the price, but often it's not.

Get a reality check on the actual seriousness of your differences by being clear about the facts: how much TV does he actually let the kids watch, how many times a night does he speak in a scolding tone, how often does he let your child stay up past her bedtime? Find out whether he is acting within the normal range of child rearing or is over the line by finding out what other families do, reading books, taking a parent education class, asking your pediatrician, or getting a consultation with a child development specialist.

Be respectful. When you do offer suggestions, be respectful and specific. Give a positive idea of what he could do rather than what he should not do, like saying It's been working for me to change Emma's diaper with that little music box going instead of This time, try not to make her cry. If you can, filter out any implicit criticisms or commands in what you say.

If he offers a suggestion or criticism to you, try to be a model of how you'd like him to react when he's on the receiving end. Make sure you understand his idea. Next, join with him as much as you can: offer empathy, acknowledge the problem he's identified, agree with the positive aims behind his idea, and say how it could in fact be useful. Then share your concerns, if you have any. Finally, offer a specific suggestion about what happens from here, ranging from maintaining your approach to agreeing to his idea, or some kind of compromise in between.

Taking Steps Together
Parents often work out their differences informally: maybe you mention something over dinner, there's a testy exchange, one of you makes a point that's too sensible to disagree with, and you come together. But other times, you'd benefit from a process that's a little more structured. Hopefully, your husband will read this article, but if not, you can bring up its points with him.

Talking about values. A good place to start is to set aside time to talk about the values that guide your parenting. You can use these questions or come up with your own. This should be an empathic exploration of how each of you feels, rather than an attempt to change anyone's mind. Be as supportive as you can be and emphasize where you already have common ground. Really try to understand how your partner came to feel the way he does, and encourage him to do the same. For example, what experiences have (hypothetically) made him feel it's Important to "toughen up" his children?

It's all right to say how you want the two of you to act as parents. Women who say what they feel and want are generally more satisfied in their marriages than women who don't. But you may have to push through some resistance - yours or his - to say your piece. If so, get some support from other mothers for the validity of your needs and your right to express them, and remind yourself that you're just advocating for the sake of your kids.

Of course, when you discuss your differences, try to avoid an accusatory, blaming, or disdainful attitude. Unless your partner is outrageous, he is parenting like millions of other people. Most differences in parenting style call for compromise or skill building rather than indignation.

Being supportive of each other. See if you can get agreement on the general goal of supporting each other as parents. For starters, keep each other up-to-date by sharing information like I think Charlie's getting a cold or Patrice has to bring something to share to kindergarten. And try to back the authority of the other parent in front of the children whenever possible, handling disagreements behind closed doors, with voices that do not fill the house.

Children take their cues for how to treat their parents from seeing how they treat each other, and insulting, hostile, threatening, or raging speech gives children the message that it's all right to speak that way themselves. You both could consider how a child's gender might affect his or her reactions. For example, a boy hearing his father routinely berate his mom may think that is how men are allowed or even ought to act with women. A girl observing her father act in that way may come to believe that such treatment is normal, and perhaps even unconsciously seek out a man who will treat her similarly when she becomes a woman herself.

You can encourage the children to accept parental authority by going along with it in each other. If Mom calls the family to dinner, Dad should not dawdle. If Dad says it's time to get in the car for a family vacation, that's not the best moment for Mom to make a quick call to a neighbor.

Finally, try not to polarize roles so that one parent is the disciplinarian while the other gets to be more nurturing or playful. This cuts both ways. A mother may feel she has to do mainly humdrum, plain vanilla activities with children in order to get through the daily marathon while her partner gets to come in with a flashy sprint of high-energy play that kids love. On the other hand, a father is usually leery of being pegged as the source of big punishments - Just wait until your father gets home! - especially if that's a role his own dad played. You can talk about this issue and sometimes deliberately shift who does what. There is no rule that says you can't be the one in the middle of the pillow fight while he finishes up the dishes!

Using a tie-breaker. A book, professional, or class is a neutral guide that can break a deadlock between parents. For example, if there's a conflict about how to punish your child, the two of you could read a book in the Positive Discipline series, mark any parts you don't feel good about, and then use the rest of the book as an agreed-upon "manual" for that aspect of child rearing. If a big issue comes up - like you want to try a family bed, while he feels the baby should sleep down the hall - the two of you could discuss it with your pediatrician. Many parent resource centers or local therapists offer classes, and taking one together would give you a common experience and an opportunity to hear ideas from other moms and dads. Informally, you could have another couple over and ask how they handle issues like time-outs or tantrums. This can be reassuring: behind what appears to be the perfect family is usually a messy reality that looks a lot like your own. Even if you don't get any new techniques, there's the calming sense of perspective that you are grappling with a normal-range problem and if you hang in there, things will work out like they have for countless other parents. But avoid getting drawn into a fight, whether it's yours - or theirs!

Parenting is still more art than science, but in the last thirty years, much excellent research has established some of the facts of optimal child rearing.... Disputes can be resolved or at least clarified by finding out what science has discovered about that aspect of raising kids. But keep in mind that many disagreements are fundamentally about values and cannot be resolved by facts alone, that each child is an individual who may differ from the average tendency of the groups that are the basis of most studies, and that any parenting expert who sounds completely sure of himself or herself is suspect.

Negotiating your differences. Strong couples negotiate all the time, whether it's how to answer a child's questions about God, or what to watch on TV tonight. It doesn't mean you don't love each other if you sometimes find yourselves striking a bargain like shoppers at a flea market. Getting skillful at negotiation can only serve your marriage - plus help you with your child, whether she's two or twenty. Good books have been written about negotiating in general (e.g., Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury) or for parents in particular (e.g., Why Parents Disagree and What You Can Do About It by Roberta Israeloffand Ron Taffel, Ph.D). In our view these are the six essential steps:

• Know what you want.
• Establish a favorable foundation.
• Communicate clearly.
• Respect feelings.
• Work out the details.
• Make a commitment.

1. Know what you want. Negotiating is all about wants. To get what you want, you need to know what it is. Our wants are layered, like a parfait, with less important and fleeting desires on top and vital and enduring ones underneath. The deeper you go, the more you will get to what you really want. And the more that you and your husband can talk about what you each really want, the more teamwork and friendship you'll have in your marriage.

Therefore, try to probe beneath the surface of your wishes or complaints - such as being peeved that he routinely comes home late from work - to find the deeper stakes, which in this case might include wanting to feel you matter enough to him that he would care about how his lateness affects you, or that you can trust him to keep his agreements. Try to sort the wants from your childhood into a pile that's separate from those that come from a more adult place within your mind. For example, suppose that people frequently kept you waiting a lot as a kid, you hated the boredom and powerlessness of it, and the strong desire to not let that happen again is getting mixed in with your need as a grown woman for him to get home on time to help you during one of the most stressful times of the day: the mad dash before dinner.

When you acknowledge and accept the child wants, you'll usually feel a softening inside and a nurturing kindness toward yourself. You'll also see ways that the situation you faced as a child was different from the one you're in today. That simple understanding has an amazing power to lower the emotional charge on your wants. When its time to talk about your desires, try telling him the parts that come from your childhood so he can have a better understanding of what's linked in your mind to seemingly small issues, like being fifteen minutes late. Your openness will probably evoke more compassion and support from him - and if it doesn't, you can ask for them.

Take a close look at any thoughts that argue against your wants, such as Oh, it's just not practical for him to get home on time every night. If the thought has merit, it could lead you to adjust your wishes, like telling your partner that you can live with his coming home late one night in five, or that you just want him to give you a call when he knows he's going to be late. But many thoughts are not good friends to us, trying to talk us out of wants that are in fact legitimate, reasonable, and positive. Try to challenge those thoughts like this: Is there really some rule that says I can't ask for that? Would the world come to an end if I got what I wanted? Does he make the same assumptions when it comes to his own wants? Your partner may not give you what you want, but that does not mean it was bad to want it in the first place, or bad to express it. For example, it's reasonable to want your husband to be more supportive when you are struggling with a preschooler's tantrums. It is valid to want him to use a different tone of voice while disciplining a child. It is completely okay to want him to do something within his own head, like clearing his mind of work clutter during the drive home so he can be mentally present and ready for kid-action when he walks through the door.

2. Establish a favorable foundation. Create a context of mutual rapport, empathy, and good wishes. Choose a good moment and place, and be prepared to take the time you need, rather than tossing off comments as you rush on by.

Frame the issue as a "we" problem rather than an "I" or "you" problem. You are in the same boat together, each affected by the other's actions or suffering.

Try to treat each other as teammates rather than opponents. If that doesn't feel natural, you could do an experiment in which you act as if you were teammates, and see what happens.

3. Communicate clearly. Try to say what you want explicitly and without apology, rather than hinting or saying nothing while hoping he'll somehow just know. Of course, this can be hard for several reasons. For one, you may think that what you want should be obvious by now. But, it often isn't - since he probably is not holding as much information about the kids in his mind as you are, and he has his own preoccupations as well - and even if it is, it can't hurt to go on record with it one more time. Second, you may want him to figure it out on his own, as a sign that he understands and cares about you: I anticipate his needs without his asking, so why can't he return the favor? But there's a good chance that that the issue for him is not a deep matter of whether he cares about you, but simply a practical question of finding out what he's supposed to do, since many men show their caring mainly through action. You can pursue more direct and effective ways to feel understood and cared about, like finding times for good conversation....

A third reason is contained in this comment from a mother at one of Rick's talks: It really, really irritates me for him to say, "What do you want me to do?" Then I have to be the mom with him and say, "Well, you could do this or that." Understandable as these feelings are - since you've probably been telling your kids what to do all day - try to step out of the mom frame and into the colleague frame with your husband. Certainly you shouldn't have to spell out every detail like a contract. Yet if you do not tell him what you want, how can you expect him to fulfill his part?

Finally, it is common to have had experiences as a child that make it feel scary to come out with what you want. Try to be aware of those inhibitions. Inside your own mind, challenge the expectations from childhood that are probably not valid today, and give yourself encouragement to push forward and let your true voice ring free.

Once you start talking, try to explain your point of view in terms that will make sense to him, given his values and concerns. Avoid distractions such as other issues or arguing about what happened in the past. Anticipate his doubts: I know you want to be able to feed Emma yourself and I'm willing to pump milk so you can; therefore, I don't think we need to wean her right now. You can make it easy to try the approach you're suggesting by framing it as an experiment, putting a time limit on how long you'll give it a go, and perhaps linking it to certain conditions: Could we just try for a week insisting that Serena eat some vegetables before dessert and see what happens? And if she goes on a hunger strike, we can do something else. It's especially useful to translate general wants into concrete specifics, using examples of how things will be if you get what you want. This brings issues down out of the clouds of abstractions like "spoiling children" to solid ground, where you can actually do something. It lets your partner know exactly what you'd like him to do, and it enables you to tell if it gets done. For example, instead of saying. You're too permissive, try: I think you let the kids have too many sweets. I'm willing for the kids to have dessert at dinner, but not a candy bar in the afternoon, too. OK? Overall, focus on positive behaviors by saying what you want more of rather than less.

Of course, it's also all right to be clear about where you are unclear: I think we ought to try a new baby-sitter, but I'm not one hundred percent convinced; what do you think? Or: I feel like we need to push harder on toilet training, but I'm not sure how to do it; do you have any ideas?

To be sure, you need to find out what he wants, so you have to ask or give him the space to say. If it is not obvious, try to get at the wish or complaint embedded in his communication. Don't shy away from differences. Sometimes a couple will avoid conflicts by ignoring their issues, but the result is a relationship that is just not anchored in truth; the issues will come out one day, anyway, or some unrelated challenge - an unexpected pregnancy, a lay-off at work - could blow the relationship away like a tumbleweed with no roots. Ask questions even if you fear the answers: What is really bothering you? What's the most important part of this to you? What would make things better? What would it look like if we did it your way? It is okay to discover that your partner wants something from you that you do not want to give; it is all right if he does not love every single thing about you or approve of everything you do; you cannot please him - or any person - all of the time.

Prevent misunderstandings before they happen by double-checking. Ask him what he thinks you want. Or say what you think he wants.

4. Respect feelings. Communicating wants often brings up emotions, some of which can go all the way back to childhood. If these feelings are not acknowledged, they will clamor more loudly, like a child raising her voice to be heard. If you are nervous or irritated underneath, try to say so explicitly, because your partner is probably sensing your disquiet and may react to it instead of to the topic you want to focus on. For example: I'm a little nervous about bringing this up, but I don't think our child care is working out. Or: I'm getting frustrated that Amy is still crying most times you wash her hair. Explain why your wants are important to you, how they are linked to deeply felt values, and try to find out the same about him. If emotions are clouding your discussion, you may need to shift gears to talking about them for a bit, and then get back to negotiating.

5. Work out the details. Adopt a mind-set in which you are driving toward positive solutions instead of wrangling about negative problems. Study the times when all goes well as a model of what you each can do to make things work. Consider, at least to yourself, any payoff you are receiving from the current situation - such as getting to feel morally superior or like a virtuous victim - then consider the costs, and decide what you really want. You and your partner could ask yourselves, What would it be like to no longer have this problem?

Push to narrow your differences: It's not that I'm a Nazi or you're a hippie, it's that I think Latrell is old enough to put away his clothes and you don't. Or even closer together: Can't we just insist that he put his coat on the hook when he gets home, instead of dropping it on the floor? Since people in conflict usually overestimate their differences, chances are that you're closer together than you think. It's a lot easier to bridge a smaller gap. Sometimes in the throes of a negotiation (or argument), you start to realize that you might be able to live with some difference in parenting style. Ask yourself some questions: Is it that big a deal? Is it really harming my kids? Is it worth straining my marriage or stressing myself out? Seemingly opposing practices might in fact be complementary, such as how being highly nurturing to a child promotes independence, rather than dependence, by giving her the sense of a safe base from which she can explore. Maybe it's all right for one parent to put a higher priority on something than the other parent does - like being more zealous about saying "please" and "thank you" - as long as you don't undermine each other: It's okay that I don't care about this as much as you do, but I won't get in your way, and I'll support you when I can. Different approaches can often coexist; its not the end of the world if the kids know that one parent is a softer touch for a cookie.

Another way to live with differences in parenting is to agree that each partner has veto power if he or she feels strongly about an issue, such as risks to a child's safety. Of course, no one should abuse the veto, and you can take back that power if it gets out of hand.

If important conflicts remain, be willing to make a deal. Consider offering a compromise, or budging on one of your priorities if he gives in on one of his. For example, you could agree for your values to rule in one area while his prevail in another: I'll loosen up about what the kids wear if you promise to be stricter about bedtimes. Or find out what parts of the total job he might prefer, and see if it works for you to do other ones.

Try to anticipate potential problems and then presolve them. It does not put a hex on your plans to imagine how they might go awry.

Finally, it could make a lot of sense to help him to give you what you want. For example, maybe he could use a little coaching on a particular skill or an occasional reminder. But sometimes this can be hard: You might feel too worn out, or sick and tired of prodding him. Or perhaps a young part within you feels disappointed in the care she received as a child and yearns for a partner who knows without saying what she needs. Yet you only help yourself when you ask yourself: What could I do that would enable him to give me what I'm asking for?

6. Make a commitment. When there is a clear understanding of what you and your partner are going to do, check your gut feeling. Do you and he really think this is going to happen? Or are you kidding yourselves? If your plan feels solid, treat it as a personal commitment and ask him to do the same. You are each giving your word, and that is not a thing to be taken lightly. Then acknowledge the process you have gone through. It's not easy to work out issues in parenting, yet you've each stuck with it.

Finally, try to avoid snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. You've probably seen some of the common methods: Not noticing it when your partner has come over to your side, continuing to fire after he has put up the white flag, remaining irritated that you had to talk about it in the first place, or shifting with hardly a breath to another issue.

Talking about misunderstandings or broken agreements. Fulfilling commitments is the basis of trust in any relationship. Nonetheless, no person manages to keep all of his or her agreements. Maintaining trust requires communicating when an agreement is broken. If you did not do what you said you would do, try to bring up the matter yourself. Say if this was a one-time event that does not reflect your true intentions. Or explain that you think the plan is unworkable and should be revised.

If it is your partner who departs from the plan, talk about it openly, since silence on your part can be taken as tacit approval. Plus, you need to know what is going on. Perhaps there was an ambiguity in the original arrangement, or maybe you misunderstood something and he actually did what he agreed to. Or it could in fact have been a broken agreement. If so, perhaps it was just a temporary lapse and he's back on track. But you may discover that you need to do some more negotiating.

Even though they can be uncomfortable to discuss, if you do not talk about misunderstandings and broken agreements, they will happen again. In particular, if your partner is often flaky or unreliable, if he does not seem willing to make the most fundamental commitment of all - I agree to keep my agreements - you've got to talk about it. You are entitled to bring a moral seriousness to the discussion, to confront broken agreements for what they are, breaches of trust that erode the foundation of any relationship. If he says something like, You can't pin me down so much, things change, a possible reply is: If you had a colleague at work who said one thing but did another as often as you do at home, how would you feel and what would you do? You would probably feel let down and frustrated, and you would tell the person that there needed to be changes in the way he or she was acting. It's the same here.

If talking together doesn't work, consider involving a professional such as a therapist or minister. Besides letting your partner know you're serious, the thought of airing dirty laundry in front of another person could be enough to prompt a change in behavior. More than once, Rick has made a first appointment with a mother for couples counseling, only to receive a second call a few days later canceling the session because. To get out of going to therapy, he started acting differently. Whatever works!