Thinking-Feeling: Directness, Compassion, Emotionality, Independence

Feeling mother, Thinking father

Raquel compares herself to Lou: "I'm emotional and can overreact. He's rational, cool, self-controlled and even-tempered. Lou teaches our daughter money management and computers. I teach her how to handle sticky people problems."

"When I'm worried about our sons," explains Mary, "Charles comforts me with a rational perspective.

"We have a different approach with teachers. He's direct, and I'll do anything to avoid confrontation. If something at school is unfair, Charles is quick to call and set the situation right. We all feel protected with him."

Still, Feeling mothers say they need to smooth over what Thinking fathers say and do.

"Although he doesn't mean it," says Mary, "Charles's bluntness feels like an attack. It gives me a knot in my stomach. I try to smooth things over for the boys with softer words. On the other hand, when I'm upset and worried over the kids, he'll comfort me with a rational perspective. It unties the knot."

Thinking mother, Feeling father

"In our house," says Meg, "John takes the compassion approach, and I take the justice approach. I tell him he's gone too far giving the children the benefit of the doubt. He lets me know I need to back off when I'm expecting too much. We're a good sounding board for each other.

"Sometimes I think he invites dependency. He jumps in to drive our daughter to school when she's late. I'd rather encourage self-sufficiency by letting her face the logical consequences—embarrassment with teachers and a detention."

Feeling mother, Feeling father

Bess says, "Harry and I share 50/50 in everything. We make a good team. If someone cooks dinner, the other cleans up. We're equally nurturing and affectionate—lot's of I love yous, hugs, kisses. We both make the kids' special events a top priority, even if it means sacrificing work.

"If I go out of town, I don't make casseroles or leave notes about after-school activities. Harry can care for the children as well as I can."

Sam has a similar point of view: "I don't see a big difference between the role of the mother and that of the father. Sure, Debbie did the breastfeeding. But I've painted my daughter's fingernails and taken my son clothes shopping for his first dance.

"I believe a natural division of labor evolves between mother and father based on tradition, individual interests and circumstances—not gender."

Mike sees a difference, however. "Sue is the primary caretaker and homemaker. I do the fun stuff and play the 'heavy' when the kids need to be disciplined."

Thinking mother, Thinking father

"As two Thinkers, Max and I have a lot in common," says Kate. "Neither is ashamed of being strict, putting limits on kids or encouraging self-sufficiency.

"But there are differences. Max is more direct and less inclined to consider the impact of his words. He might offend a coach with an off-handed remark. I'm more likely to tone down my critical comments or keep them to myself. Sometimes Max will see that one of the kids is hurting, but he'll ask me to deal with it."