When Kids Become Too Cool for Their Parents

Brought to FEN by National PTA®

The words above are all too familiar for many parents of preteens and adolescents. As children approach their teen years, many parents find it difficult to strike a balance between "letting go" and "being there" for their children. The middle and high school years are difficult for young people, filled with growing peer pressure, dramatic physical changes, and an awakening need for more independence. Research shows that parent involvement begins to decline at the onset of the pre-teen and adolescent years; but that doesn't mean children wouldn't still benefit from it.

The Great Shift
The reasons for this decline in parent involvement just as teens are entering middle and high school is two-fold. First, maturing children have a growing need to develop a sense of self and independence that is separate from their families. They begin to weigh choices and consequences, make more decisions on their own, learn from their mistakes, and establish their own set of values to guide their decisions and actions. They begin refusing help from their parents and don t want them along when they re with friends.

Second, parents roles begin changing, too, in order to allow for their children s self-identity development. While parents continue to offer support and love, they begin stepping back a little in all aspects of their children s lives in order to show their respect for their children s growing independence. Parents must begin to let adolescents make their own choices good and bad and have them take responsibility for their actions and decisions.

Changes in Attitude
The decline in parent involvement in middle and high school years also can be attributed to changes in attitude. Young people make it clear they don t want their parents playing the same large role in their upbringing and schooling that they once did. Many parent-student activities that children find acceptable in elementary school, like registering for classes, attending school events, or walking to and from school, are seen as student-only events by middle and high school students.

In Education Week s 1999 Quality Counts report on the state of U.S. education, 56 percent of 8th graders surveyed consider lack of parent involvement either "not to be a problem" or a "minor one." Many parents tend to think the same way. In Playing Their Parts, a 1999 study by the research group Public Agenda, 35 percent of parents with children in secondary grades believed that a child s embarrassment over a parent s involvement was a major reason why parents become less involved in school as children get older. Twenty-five percent of parents think that "kids can handle school on their own and need parents less" in secondary school. As kids grow, it becomes a challenge for some parents to remain involved in their child s lives at home, let alone at school.

As children begin to adjust to their new school environments and meet the challenges of their new courses, parents may have less understanding of the work their kids are doing in school. Public Agenda s study found that the number-one reason high school parents gave for becoming less involved in their children s education was that "schoolwork becomes more difficult for parents to help with." Parents may feel unable to help with homework and hesitate to discuss curriculum issues with teachers, resulting in their becoming less involved overall.

Reversing the Trend
Research has shown that those middle and high schools that help families adjust to this transition show higher student achievement, higher graduation rates, and have more students admitted to colleges. A 1999 study by U.S. News and World Report and the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago assessed 1,053 high schools in major metropolitan areas throughout the United States. Of the 96 schools identified as educationally outstanding, 80 percent of them had developed strong partnerships with parents.

Many research studies have shown that when parents are involved in their child s education, these students achieve more regardless of their socioeconomic status, ethnic/racial background, or the parent s own education level. And many parents seem to be aware of how important their involvement is to children s success. Last year, the National PTA, in conjunction with the research organization Bennett, Petts & Blumenthal, conducted a telephone survey of 800 parents of public school children from across the country. Ninety-one percent of parents polled felt that it was extremely important for parents to be involved in their children s education regardless of grade level.

Effective Parenting
Though many parents might be surprised to realize it, research shows that they have a strong influence on their teenage children. Many parents want to be involved, but just don t know how. There are many things parents can do to maintain strong involvement in their children s lives as they approach adolescence.

Keep lines of communication open. Parents need to have regular conversations with their teens and supply them with honest and accurate information on the many issues teens face. Start important discussions with your children and teens about smoking, drugs, sex, drinking even if the topics are difficult or embarrassing. Don t wait for teens to come to you.
Set fair and consistent rules. Parents need to set boundaries that help children learn that with their new independence comes responsibility. Parents and adolescents can work together to set appropriate limits. Be sure that young people understand the purpose behind the rules.
Support their future. Even if parents don t feel they can help with homework, parents need to demonstrate that education is important to them and their child s future. It s important to know children s teachers and to create a home environment that supports learning.
Be an example. Parents need to demonstrate appropriate behaviors. Show concern for and be involved in the community and at school. Maintain regularly scheduled family time to share mutual interests, such as attending movies, concerts, sporting events, plays, or museum exhibits.

Friendly School Communities
Although students may not want parents directly involved in their classroom, there are many ways parents can be involved in middle and high schools that lead to positive effects on students. In order to help schools involve parents, in 1997 the National PTA created the National Standards for Parent/Family Involvement Programs. Here are some successful program ideas school communities have used to create comprehensive parent involvement programs.

Provide special transition or orientation sessions for parents and students entering middle and high school.
Establish a family resource center at your school to share information and provide parenting classes and other resources on adolescent development.
Provide training and instruction for parents on curriculum, teaching methods, and tracking, assessment, and placement procedures and how they effect students.
Encourage parents to volunteer by adopting and sponsoring academic programs, school clubs, or teams.
Invite parents and students to serve on site-based management teams to participate in school decision-making.
Invite teachers, parents, and students to work together to design and monitor different community service experiences.

The PTSA Option
Students are genuinely interested in improving their schools, their communities, and the world in which they live. Organizing a parent-teacher-student association, or PTSA, brings everyone together to work on projects of mutual interest and benefit. Starting a PTSA is no different from organizing a PTA; it merely requires that students join and work alongside the adults. Having students serve on a PTSA can provide opportunities to discuss real issues and solve real problems facing today s youth and schools. Together, students and adults can establish peer counseling and mentoring programs, organize substance-free dances and other school events, and plan student-led school orientations.

A PTA s involvement in legislative activities also provides an opportunity for students to learn about the legislative process and the importance of advocacy at the local, state and federal levels. These types of experiences foster young people s development and help them become successful, responsible citizens.

Being part of a PTSA gives students greater responsibility and allows them to acquire skills in public speaking, decision-making, and conflict resolution. And student ideas and involvement make PTA and parent involvement programs more effective in middle and high school environments.

Everyone Benefits
Increasing parent involvement in middle and high schools benefits everyone parents, teachers, schools, and (whether they want to admit it) the students themselves. Understanding how young people feel about their parents during their middle and high school years is important to developing effective parent involvement programs.

When students have a chance to work with adults as equals on projects, each group gains a better understanding of the other, communications improve, and relationships flourish. While kids will still get embarrassed and will probably continue to say things like, "Don't talk to me, my friends are watching," they will reap the benefits for years to come.

Add a Comment (0)