Childcare and Toilet Training

Common understanding

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way

Parents, teachers, and other childcare providers (at home or in a childcare center) will need to come to a common understanding: A child's motivation for toilet training comes from his wish to be like the important adults in his life. His parents or older siblings are most likely to be the models for this big effort. If he is close to caregivers or nursery school teachers, he may look up to them and want to imitate or please them as well.

But these caregivers are less likely to be included in the routines of daily life—the child probably won't have a chance to observe a teacher on the potty! Those who care for the child need to understand that parents must guide the steps that are introduced as he works on toilet training. It is up to the parents to watch for the child's signs of readiness to know when each toilet training step should be offered to him.

With this understanding, toilet training has a far better chance of being addressed consistently by all of the adults. Any inconsistency is bound to leave a child feeling confused. If parents and child have already turned toilet training into a battle, disagreements among the adults will only make it worse.

Preschool teachers and other care providers will have their own reasons for wanting the child to achieve success in toilet training. (The child will sense these and try to meet their goals. If the child is not yet ready, he runs the risk of giving up.) Unfortunately "gatekeeping" (the natural competitive feelings of adults who care for a child) will surface for adults who care for the same child when it is time for toilet training. Caregivers might think, "If they'd only try to train him my way, we'd be successful." This kind of competition with parents may color the caregiver's attitude toward the child's efforts. For example, "He's not even trying because he knows his parents will let him get away with it." The child will "know" that he's not living up to the caregiver's or teacher's wishes. If they matter to him, he'll feel discouraged that he can't please them.

Since "gatekeeping" is so predictable—especially for major developmental steps like toilet training, parents and caregivers can expect it and be prepared for it. It is essential that they discuss the steps toward the child's success in toilet training before any disagreement comes to the child's attention. In addition, they will need to recognize what their combination of expectations mean to the child in the way of pressure to perform. He must please all of them—and the cost to him will be that using the potty is no longer his goal, but giving in to theirs. Is that what you want?

My best advice is to be open about your own passion for doing what you believe is right for your child, and also let other caregivers know that you value the passion they bring to caring for your child. Showing this kind of respect can help reduce the tension and bitter feelings that such competition can stir up. Then, even when you disagree, you will be able to use your shared concern for your child's well-being to find common ground.

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