Toilet Training and Preschool Pressure

Pressures in preschool

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way

Most preschools won't accept children until they are out of diapers. Of course it is easier and more sanitary not to have to change the diapers of 3- or 4-year-olds in a group. But the pressure on children—often as young as 2 years, 9 months—who must be trained early to qualify for childcare interferes with their need to give up diapers at their own pace. Such pressure is all too likely to backfire. When children can't make toilet training their own job, they are likely to resist, for example, by withholding urine and bowel movements.

According to the Children's Hospital Guide to Your Child's Health and Development, 40 percent of 3-year-olds still use diapers. Must childcare centers and preschools ignore the developmental needs of so many children? When faced with their requirements, parents are bound to take them to mean that their child should be trained by now: "He's 3 years old. The other kids there must be trained already." Parents will then begin to rush their child. He may accept the pressure to be clean and dry for his parents' sake, or he may resist.

If he is unable to comply with the pressure, the child is bound to feel ashamed of his "failure." This may be the start of problems. What parent would want to take the chance? I would like to see parents and professionals join together to change preschool policies and eliminate this unnecessary pressure on children and leave the timing of toilet training to the child.

When a child has been recently trained, parents and teachers need to agree on expectations and dealing with accidents. When a child is still struggling to master toilet training, conflicting messages from these different important adults can add to his struggle. Parents and providers will need to agree on routines and expectations for the child. In order for this to occur, parents and teacher must become a "team"—with the child's best interests as their shared goal.

Meanwhile, do not be surprised if your child still needs diapers at home, though he can go without them at school. The teacher may say, "He has no problem using the toilet at school. I wonder why he does at home." You may feel that the teacher is taking credit for your child's success, and criticizing you. But you know how much it is costing him to comply at school, and how he needs to relax at home—where he's safe. Your child may need your reassurance: "You can use diapers at home. I know that you're proud to stay dry at school. But you can wear them at home if you need to." Try to mean it. Otherwise, you convey more pressure than he can master. You may well feel the competition from school. But don't let this work against doing what is best for your child.

By 4 years of age, children in preschool feel even more pressure from each other to be toilet trained: "Are you dry? Do you ever use diapers?" Combined with the teacher's and parental pressure, this can work in one of two ways. He may try very hard to be "grown up," and to please peers and teachers by using the toilet. Or he may give up. In the latter case, his self-image can be at risk.

More on: Toilet Training