Toilet Training: Sibling Rivalry and Setbacks

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way

Among the predictable times when an already trained older child is likely to have a setback is the arrival of a new sibling or even before. During his mother's pregnancy a child watches his mother's belly swell and is bound to feel confused. At this age, he wants to be just like her. His confusion and his need to identify with his mother can often lead to attempts to withhold his stools—as if he could fill himself up—"like mommy"—by not letting anything go. Constipation can be one way to "be like mommy," among others. He's bound to try to walk "like mommy," to get up from his chair with a groan, to eat more to "get fat like mommy." A wise parent will understand and accept these behaviors, and help him accept his wish "to be like mommy." If he's constipated, he may need a bowel softener in addition to the reassurance a parent can offer that wishes such as these are natural. They will pass.

When the new baby is brought home, many 2- or 3-year-old siblings begin to wet their pants or to hide to have a stool. Just as they may want to nurse, or to drink out of a bottle "like baby," they are likely to want to wet and soil and wear diapers again too. If your child does this, offer him diapers or training pants again. Be sure you change him with the same loving, fun interaction with which you approach the new baby's changing table. He is likely to be highly sensitive to any difference in your attitude. Of course, his stools will be smellier. Of course, you are disappointed with his wet underwear. But, remember his reason—conscious or unconscious. He is trying to be the doted-upon baby he had once been, though you have given that baby up for another. Reassure him that you value him for the older child he has become, but that you can accept his need to be your baby again sometimes too. Otherwise, he too may see his wetting and soiling as a failure. Then this behavior may take on a life of its own.

Emphasize special times with you "without the baby." The next most likely setback will be at the time when the baby starts to crawl, or to toddle, to get into the older child's toys. Everyone adores the baby—"He's so darling when he crawls or walks." No one thinks the gangly, awkward, angry older one is darling any more. Of course, he is likely to regress—again.

Handling Setbacks When a New Sibling Arrives

1. Understand the child's regression as normal.
2. Help him understand it: "Of course you'd like to be like the baby and get everyone's attention. We all would."
3. Reassure him: "You'll stop wetting or soiling. Don't worry. You can go back into diapers or training pants so you don't need to worry. When you're ready, we can try again. But, meanwhile we'll have our changing times together."
4. Emphasize special times with you—reading to him at night, going to the store with him, playing a game together. Save a special time with him alone. Do this at least once a week. Talk about it the rest of the week. It's an opportunity to make up to him for his feeling that you are deserting him.

Excerpted from:

Excerpted from Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way © 2004 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Perseus.

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