Too Soon for Toilet Training

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way

At the 1-year-old pediatric visit, I ask every child's parents: "Have you thought about toilet training yet?"

Many parents look at me with surprise: "But she's only a baby. Isn't it too early to worry about that."

I agree: "I'm glad you think so too." But watch out! After her first birthday you may feel pressure. Your parents or other relatives may have been trained early themselves. They may even have tried to train you soon after the first year. They may tell you "Get going!" If they do, what will it mean to you?

Parents may answer, "Well, I guess it will make me feel guilty if I don't."

"That's why I want to warn you. You can say, 'Don't worry. We have a plan. I want to wait until she's ready. I have thought it over and I'll be ready when she is.'"

This leads us right into the next question: "What is the plan?"

"To wait until she is showing us signs of being ready to do it herself." I hope that by preparing parents in this way, they won't give in to pressure to push the child.

In many cultures, a parent's goal is to train the child in the first year by responding to her body signals with a race to the toilet, even though the child isn't yet aware that she needs to urinate or move her bowels. In southern Mexico, for example, Zinacanteco mothers I observed carried their babies on their backs all day—in a serape. They didn't put them down on the dirt floors to learn to crawl, to stand, and pull around. A mother was in constant touch with her baby. When she felt the baby's body getting ready to urinate or to have a stool, she became alert and responded. She was so sensitive to her that she could tell. She then held the baby away from her body and brought her outside the hut to urinate or to have a BM. When the baby began to walk in the second year, she was already conditioned to respect the inside of the hut. She toddled outside to try to urinate or defecate. Often, she wouldn't quite make it, but no one paid much attention. It was already up to her—and she knew what was expected.

I was amazed at the relaxed attitude of these Mayan people, and of their success in leaving it to the child. The close contact of mother and child was such a help, and there were no diapers to interfere with the mother's awareness of the child's body, and with the child's discovery of her own bodily sensations.

In our mainstream hygienic culture, we must find other ways of respecting the child's role in toilet training. There are critics of my child-centered approach, and of waiting until the end of the second year. They feel that parents in our culture could start earlier and be successful. They may often be right. But there is no way, in the first year, to know which children can succeed and which ones will not. Some children will not be ready for this early approach, and failures can feel humiliating to a child. Such failures—when children are pushed before they are ready to be successful are likely to result in more serious problems such as withholding, smearing of bowel movements, or bedwetting later on.

My approach is based on being sure a child is ready, and allowing toilet training to be the child's success. As I mentioned, I came to this child-centered approach in response to the struggles of many children who were pressured to be trained before they were ready. But now parents, too, are under new pressures. Parents who feel pressure from important others on this issue are likely to pass this pressure on to the child. To protect children, parents need protection too. If the preparation I offer parents in this first year can help them withstand the feelings of being pushed to start earlier, then I have "touched" the family system at a first year "touchpoint."

Excerpted from:

Excerpted from Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way © 2004 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Perseus.

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