Potty Training and 2-Year-Olds

Battles with a 2-year-old

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way

In addition to the seven signs of readiness, a 2-year-old will show other ways in which she is ready to start toilet training.

Ready to Say Goodbye—to Poop:
A child of 2 will have developed what we call "object permanence." She can walk away from her parents and watch them "disappear" around a corner while knowing that they should still be there. She knows she can keep her parents in her mind even when she can't see them. But this new ability means that she will be concerned about disappearances, and it can be shaky at times of separation.

This is the age at which some children watch intently as the water drains out of the bathtub, worried about where it goes, whether they might get sucked down too. Some children even wonder what might come back up out of the bathtub or toilet drain! Think of how confusing it must be to a 2-year-old to watch her poop swirl down the toilet drain to disappear forever: "Where does it go? Will it ever come back again? Is it still somewhere, even if I can't see it?" It's no wonder that she may hesitate, or even want to hold onto her poop. She must come to feel ready—to let go of her poops, and to picture in her mind that what seems to her to be a precious part of herself is still somewhere.

A Time for Testing:
This is the age when children test parents with negativity. Temper tantrums are the peak. In these episodes, as they struggle over issues that no one cares about but them, they are testing their own and their parents' limits. "Can I let myself give in, or not? I must test them until I know for myself." The 2-year-old watches parents' faces, and their body language, very carefully. She is learning about them, but also about herself. She needs to know that they will set the limits that she needs, even when she protests. But she also needs to know that her parents are still available to her, even after a screaming meltdown, to soothe her, to help her learn to soothe herself, to reassure her that one day she will get these blow-ups under control.

It is easy to see how premature efforts to toilet train a 2-year-old can get caught up in these battles. Two is the worst time of all for such skirmishes. The danger is that toilet training can become another battleground for testing limits and tantrums, rather than an opportunity for the child to experience control over herself and her body. A parent would do far better to pick battles carefully, set limits that can be enforced, and protect important areas such as toilet training from becoming war zones. Because toilet training is not a limit that parents can enforce, it must be left up to the child.

The second year is called "the terrible twos." But it should be labeled "the terrific twos." Think how much she is learning, about herself, about her limits, about her world. Why, indeed, should a 2-year-old give in passively to a parent's wish when she can learn so much more by testing them and herself? Toilet training needs to be kept out of these struggles. Parents can help if they let the child know that they know it's her job.

New Rituals and Signs of Readiness:
Diapering sessions are opportunities for parent and child to be close again, a closeness needed now as the cement for a relationship stressed by the 2-year-old's testing. Why, indeed, would a 2-year-old want to give up these close times for a cold potty? Many children are helped to make the transition from diapers to potty with the reassurance that this can still be a chance to be together. Offer to read her a story, sing songs together, or chat together as the child sits on the potty (while you perhaps are enthroned on your "grownup potty").

The following signs of readiness will let parents "know" when the child is ready to start. Parents are likely to notice these after a child turns 2:

More on: Toilet Training