Toilet Training: Step by Step

Signs that a child is not ready

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way

It is easier to keep toilet training a shared process, between parent and child, when it is taken one step at a time. Each step is introduced when the child is interested. If negativism, which is near the surface at 2, hits at any point along the way, immediately pull back to the preceding step. You may even need to start back at the beginning again. Reassure yourself: "When she's ready again, we'll start all over. I'll watch her for signs of accepting the step, and readiness for the next one." In this way, you can let her lead you. She may understand the idea of toilet training, but don't confuse this with her readiness to go along with it. This way you'll be less likely to hit a brick wall—of refusal or withholding.

Signs That a Child Is Not Ready

A child is not ready if she:

1. stands at the potty and then pees on the floor.
2. doesn't want her diaper taken off at all, screaming and struggling when a parent tries.
3. takes off her diaper and then has a bowel movement on the floor.
4. struts around with a broad gait, and then sits down with a mushy stool in her diaper. She appears not uncomfortable, but blissful.
5. goes off to hide in a corner or a closet where she can be heard grunting as she has a bowel movement.
6. says "no, no, no" if a parent comments that she seems to be ready for a bowel movement.
7. shows any resistance whatsoever to using the potty or toilet.

If your child senses your eagerness, she may feel that you will take her triumph-to-come away from her. Then she's bound to shut down. Your child may not even be aware of her negative response to your eagerness. You might say, "How does she know I'm eager?" Ask yourself how she knows you mean it whenever you tell her to "stop!" She knows the difference between: a commanding tone, and an expression on your face that matches your voice on one hand and, on the other, a casual tone and expression that says "Please don't, dear." She knows the difference immediately. Her sensitivity to you is great. Can you match it with your own sensitivity to her?

You will certainly need to be sensitive to your child's cues to work on toilet training with her. For this is a task over which she needs control. It will demand that she be ready to contain herself, and to go to a place that you specify. To perform for you demands an enormous amount of compliance. She can't help but feel a twinge of distress if she loses her own control. Be prepared to let her lead you—but you must really mean it!

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