Toilet Training: Fear of Flushing

by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way

Fear of flushing the toilet is common in 2- and 3-year-old children as they work on toilet training. A child this age worries about losing a part of himself—and he thinks of his bowel movements as part of his body. At this age he has also just been through a major test of his independence—in separating from his parents with his recent ability to walk away from them. For this, he has had to rely on an earlier achievement—object permanence: the new ability to "see" something in his "mind's eye" when it is not visible, and understand that something (including his parents) can still exist even when he can't see it. He has tested and tried out this new ability to help him make these separations possible.

But he's still in the process of mastering separation. "If I leave my father, will he leave me?" Then, as he goes along with the major achievement of toilet training, the child can't help but wonder: "Where is my poop going? Why should I give it up? What if I fall in and go there too?" (Children with overly acute hearing—auditory hypersensitivity—may even be terrified of the sound of the flushing.) These fears may seem absurd to parents, who may want to push the child to overcome them. Wait. If he seems afraid, do not flush his stools away while he is present. Give him time.

At this same age, a child often worries about the swirling water of the bathtub drain. "Where's the water going, daddy? Will I go down the drain too?" Even the sound of the drain as it snorts down the water frightens some children.

As a child gets more comfortable with his toilet training, after several months of complying and of feeling competent in this area, he may be ready to watch a parent flush the toilet. He may want to flush it himself. Over and over. But, don't push it yet. He may try to play out his fear with clay or modeling dough. Be careful, as he may also want to put nondisposable materials down the toilet and plug up your drain. Eventually, he will show you that he's ready to watch his own bowel movement go down. He may still be fearful but fascinated. I'd certainly urge parents to take his fear seriously until he's ready to master it.

Excerpted from:

Excerpted from Toilet Training: The Brazelton Way © 2004 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Joshua D. Sparrow, M.D. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Perseus.

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