Raising Children Free of Prejudice

Setting an example

by Alvin Poussaint, M.D. and Susan Linn, Ed.D.

Raising our children and understanding racial diversity in our society can't be seen as separate tasks -- they're both part of our job as good parents. So how do we go about it?

Our children learn their attitudes from us -- the adults around them. We all have ways of thinking and acting that may seem natural to us but aren't necessarily what we want to pass along to our children. In fact, if we don't examine these attitudes carefully, they can be harmful to our children's understanding of their world.

A Bug Is a Bug Is a Bug?

Children don't come pre-equipped with reactions to each new experience in their lives. For instance, all young children instinctively put things they want to explore into their mouths. But an Inuit child of the Arctic who put a grub into his or her mouth would learn from a pleased parent that grubs are a delicious springtime snack. A suburban American child learns from a horrified parent that grubs are too disgusting to be touched, let alone eaten. Now, do you often feel that you need to learn how to eat unusual insects in this country? Probably not. But we do need to understand our own learned prejudices about people in order to avoid teaching them to our children. We need to make sure that we are showing our children the most positive ways to interact with the world in which they live.

Parenting in Families of Color

Families of color have an especially difficult job. They must raise their children to be free of prejudice while helping them to develop a positive identity in the face of prejudice. A family lifestyle that reflects confidence and self-respect is the key ingredient here.

Parents who show their children a sense of their pride in ordinary day-to-day living -- without shielding their children from racial realities -- have an easier task. Whether a family is Latino or Asian American, African American,or Native American, its kids' books, dolls, and other toys should be multiracial. Children of color, like white children, should have toys to play with that reflect all races and ethnicities, including their own.

In the same way, a child's questions about racial and ethnic differences need to be handled with a calm understanding of what the child is really asking. When a six-year-old calls his skin color "dirty" and wonders why it doesn't wash off, he isn't developing a "negative identity." He's looking for an explanation of the differences he's noticed as a normal, curious child. He needs a simple, supportive explanation, such as, "People have different skin colors -- brown, white, black, yellow -- and you have a pretty brown color like Mommy and Daddy. It isn't dirty, and it doesn't wash off."

Coping with Prejudice

When children are hurt by racial or ethnic cruelty, though, it's harder to restrain an immediate emotional response. It's important, however, to try to comfort and explain instead of reacting angrily. If your child is called an ugly name, for instance, it's a great temptation to fly into a blind rage. But what your child needs from you is reassurance that she is a good person and that people who call her such names are not nice people. At the same time, she needs to know that all people of that particular group don't act this way, and that there are good and bad people of all ethnic groups and races.

Children need encouragement to be assertive in these situations, at least saying to the name-caller, "I don't like you calling me bad names and I want you to stop." And it's important to stress that talking out a problem is always the thing to try first. If a situation gets out of hand, a parent may need to intervene -- and your child needs to know that you are ready to back her up -- but children should be encouraged to initially try to handle these difficulties themselves. Then, if a similar incident occurs again, they will be better able to deal with it. Whatever the problem, however, parents of color need to ensure that their children develop coping mechanisms that don't compromise their children's dignity.

More on: Teaching Diversity