Attitude Makeover: Irresponsible
Antidote: Responsibility, Trustworthiness, Reliability"How was I supposed to know it was due today?"
Dear Dr. Borba,
I'm ashamed to admit this, but our eleven year old is so irresponsible. She never takes care of her things and needs constant reminders to do her homework. Most of the time, my husband or I end up finishing it – it's almost easier then listening to her excuses. We want her to get good grades, but now I think we're going about it all wrong. Help!
– Courtney L., a mom of three from Tucson, Arizona
Any of these sound familiar? "I forgot." "Take care of this for me." "It wasn't my fault." "I did some of it, but I left it on the bus." "I don't know where I put it." They are statements of irresponsible, spoiled kids and part of the Big Brat Factor. And are they ever good at finding excuses for their carelessness! Denying, excusing, blaming, rationalizing, and accusing are just a few strategies these kids use to justify their conduct.
Kids with an irresponsible attitude rarely stop to consider how their actions affect others, and so their attitude is selfish. The world revolves around them, so someone else will – and should in their minds – do their jobs, wake them up, find their toys, and replace items they "misplaced." If they do err, they usually never admit their mistakes, apologize, or take ownership. After all, "It's someone else's fault." In fact, usually everyone but them is responsible for their irresponsibility. If this attitude isn't turned around, it will dramatically affect every area in their present and future lives: academic, moral, professional, and social. The replacement attitudes of responsibility, trustworthiness, and reliability are essential for our kids' moral character and future well-being. So let's get started!
Emergency Attitude
Stop immediately doing anything that compensates for your child's irresponsibility. Do not write one more cover-up note to your child's teacher. Do not do put out the garbage when your kid conveniently disappears. Do not take your kid's overdue library book and pay the fine. Do not go back and get your kid's forgotten soccer shoes for the umpteenth time. Instead, make your kid take the consequences of his irresponsible attitude. Remember that your role is guider, not doer, and that single tweak will do much to change your child's bad attitude.
Bad Attitude Alert
Before reforming your kid's irresponsible ways, you need to analyze the beginnings of her bad attitude.
Diagnosis
What exactly does your kid do or say that is irresponsible? For instance, does he not take care of his things? Not take care of other people's possessions? Not finish assignments? Not start assignments? Misplace or lose items? Fail to wake up without constant reminders? Need coaxing, yelling, or bribing to finish chores or expect someone to do them for him? On a scale of one to ten, if you tell your child to do something, how often can he be counted on to follow through and keep his word? The more specific you are in your diagnosis, the more effective you will be in creating a makeover plan.
Why. Why does your kid have this attitude? What does he gain from it? For instance, does he get out of doing jobs or assignments? Does someone pick up the pieces for him? Does it save him from the possibility of failure or embarrassment? Is it just plain easier? Have you been irresponsible toward him? Has he ever been taught to be responsible? Does everyone in your family pull their own weight? What has your kid learned from being irresponsible?
What. What issues or things is he more prone to be irresponsible over? For instance, is it about homework? Library books? Chores? Personal possessions? Other people's property? Clothes? Sports equipment? Curfews? Appointments?
Who. Does he display the same attitude to everyone? Are there some individuals he is more likely to flaunt this attitude on – for instance, a teacher, coach, grandparents? Why do you think he flaunts it toward some people and not others?
When. Is there a particular time he is more prone to use this attitude: Right before school? Dinner? Chores? Homework time? Soccer game? If so, what might be the reason?
Where. Are there certain places he is more likely to be irresponsible (at school or day care, home, scouts, play group, Uncle Al's)? Why?
How. What is the typical way your kid displays his attitude when he is irresponsible? For instance, does he blame someone else? Make up an excuse? Lie? Con someone into doing it for him? Expect someone to take care of the problem he caused? Feign ignorance? Defy your requests? Appear not to care? Accuse you of being irresponsible (you didn't remind him, wake him up, put the item back)?
Now take a look at your answers. Are you seeing any predictable patterns? What is your best diagnosis of why your kid has learned this attitude? Confer with other adults who know your kid well to see if they agree. Keep one thing in mind: he uses the attitude because it works. What can you do to teach him it does not work? Now let's look at how you respond to your kid's attitude.
What's Wrong With Your Current Response?
How do you typically respond to your child's irresponsible actions? For instance, what was the last occasion your kid was irresponsible? Mentally photograph the irresponsible action. Now focus the image on you. What was your response? For instance, did you let him get away with it, or did you hold him accountable? Did you make an excuse for him, or make him apologize? Did you step in and do his assignment or job for him? Do any of these other parental responses to irresponsible attitudes fit you:
Rescuer. You come to your kid's aid, and solve his quandaries for him.
Doer. You find yourself doing or finishing most of your kid's responsibilities.
Excuser. You make excuses for your kid's lack of follow-through or bad attitude.
Overexpecter. You put too high or unrealistic expectations on your kid.
Low expectations. You minimize the number of expectations you place on your kid.
Enabler. You try to make things as easy as possible for your kid.
Reminder. You always remind your kid of his assignments, jobs, and schedule.
Other:
What is the one thing you have tried time after time that you should never do again?
I will not
Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes
Think about when you were growing up. Were you responsible for doing chores in your home? If so, which ones? Are you responsible now?
Studies have shown that kids a few decades ago were responsible for doing much more around the house than kids today. What has changed in our lifestyles that is causing the decline in kids' responsibilities? How is that affecting our kids' attitudes?
Your kid wasn't born with this attitude, so how did he develop this irresponsible attitude? Seriously consider whether he could be learning it from others – even you! Check ones that apply to you:
Do you emphasize the importance of responsibility in your home?
Do you blame others for problems and not take ownership for your own actions?
Are you always late when picking up your child from school?
Do you attend parent-teacher conferences and respond in a timely manner to notices that are brought home from school?
Do you make excuses for your problems?
Are bills, DVDs, and library books piling up on your table with overdue notices?
When you make a mistake, do you admit it? And does your child hear you?
Would others say they can count on you to do what you say?
Do you take care of your possessions or see property as easily replaceable?
What is the first step you need to take in yourself to help your child deal with his or her irresponsible attitude? Write down changes you need to make.
I will
The "Don't Give Me That Attitude" Makeover
To squelch your child's irresponsible attitude, take the following steps.
Step 1. Give Your Kids A Clear Message About Responsible Attitudes
Take time to explain your beliefs and expectations about responsibilities. Consider developing a family motto about responsibility. A father in Atlanta told me that conveying this life message to his kids was so important that they spent an afternoon together brainstorming family anthems about responsibility such as: "We keep our word," "We always do our best," "We can be counted on." They wrote them on index cards, and his kids taped them on their bedroom walls. Develop your own family anthem as a reminder that your family code is always to be responsible and that you expect your kids to convey that belief in their daily actions and attitude.
To assess your kids' understanding of those beliefs, pose questions such as these:
"What are things a responsible person would say and do?"
"What responsibilities do you have in this house? Dad? Mom? The other kids?"
"What happens if you don't follow through on those responsibilities at home or school?"
"How would that affect others?"
"What if I didn't go to work every day? What if I didn't pay the bills on time or take you to the doctor to get your shots on time?"
"What if we didn't pay our taxes? What would happen then?"
Step 2. Expect And Require Responsibility
A big part of changing kids' irresponsible attitudes is to flat-out require responsibilities, and the easiest place to begin is right at home. First, think about the responsibilities you want to delegate to each child. You might even gather the troops and brainstorm together all the things they should be responsible for and additional ways they could help out at home. These might include household chores (watering plants, making beds, dusting), personal responsibilities (brushing teeth, showering), personal possessions (putting toys, bicycles, video games away), and school (do homework to the best of your ability, return library books). Then clearly spell out to each family member your expectations and the consequence for incompletes. (See Step 5.) Go through each responsibility step by step at least once with your kid so that she clearly knows how to do it. This is the time when you can correct any poor habits.
Most kids, especially younger ones, need reminders. Charts using words or pictures that list job assignments, responsibilities, and completion dates are helpful. Even nonreaders can "read" their responsibilities on a chart with pictures of what they are expected to do. Kids can then off mark their responsibilities as they are completed.
Whatever you do, don't do any task your child can do for herself. She'll never learn to be responsible if she knows you'll finish the job for her. Recognize your role is helper, not doer. Once you get your role straight, your battles are half over. After all, the work responsibility rests in your kid's hands, not yours. So keep your role straight in your mind as well as in your kids' minds.
Step 3. Teach How To Make Responsible Decisions
A large part of being responsible is making good decisions. Kids toting irresponsible attitudes frequently don't own up to their poor choices, blame someone else for the outcome, or expect to be rescued. If those traits describe your kid, teaching decision-making skills should be a big part of his attitude makeover. Here are a few techniques:
- Ask if-then questions. To help narrow choices and think about possible outcomes, teach your kid to ask himself after each selection, "If I do that now, will I still feel okay about it tomorrow?" "What about next week?" Teach one decision-making rule: "Eliminate any choice that you may regret later."
- Be a fortune-teller. Tell a younger kid to pretend to be a fortune-teller: "How will I feel tomorrow if I chose that today?"
- Weigh pros and cons. To help an older child weigh the pros and cons of each possibility, have him ask himself: "What are all the good and bad things that might happen if I chose that?"
Irresponsible kids often try to get out of their responsibilities by making excuses (or fibbing, inventing justifications, or lying). So set a new family policy: "We do not excuse excuses." Then the very next time your kid tries shirking his responsibilities with an attitude, enforce the policy, and help him find a solution to his problem so there is no excuse.
Suppose your kid makes an excuse for his misplaced library book: "How can I remember where it is? I can never find anything around this house!" Your response to the attitude is: "That's an excuse. We don't make those in this house. We're going to figure out right now what you can do so it won't happen again." One excuse-busting solution that a parent and child created was to have the child set aside a box near his bedroom door for his library books; then he taped a big card to the box with the due date plainly visible. The result: no more excuses or lost library books. Here are a few more examples of kid excuses turned into solutions:
- "I was too busy to put my toys away." A young child draws himself a picture of a box or shelf as a reminder that the rule is: "Not later but now" or "As soon as you stop playing, you put your toys away."
- "I didn't know what time the game started." Your kid writes his time schedule and posts it on the refrigerator or bedroom door. A young child can draw a clock face showing the time.
- "I forgot to give the note to you." Your child sets aside a basket near the front door. As soon as he walks in the house, he must empty his backpack and put any teacher notes in the basket.
- "It got too late to do my homework." The new house rule is: "Homework must be done (and done well) before play or entertainment."
If your kid continues displaying this attitude, it's time to set a consequence; your child must learn to be accountable for his actions. There should be a consequence, and the most effective ones always fit the crime, cause a bit of misery (so your kid will want to change his attitude), and are consistently enforced. Above all remember, no more excusing your child and no more "rescuing." Here are a few examples of logical consequences for being irresponsible:
- Didn't clear up a food mess. If your younger child has left her ice cream cone to melt on the counter, enforce the rule: "No more ice cream cone for two days."
- Forgets to put dirty clothes in the hamper. If your kid doesn't put her dirty clothes in the hamper, she won't have clean ones and must wait until the next wash cycle.
- Failure to do chores. If kids are paid for chores, withhold their allowances.
- Destructiveness of property. Anything that your kid broke, tore, or lost (whether the property belongs to your kid or another), he must replace or repair it. He also must pay for it by earning the money. If he has none, make a list of house chores he can do with an appropriate price value (vacuuming: $2.00; raking: $3.50) to pay off the damaged property.
- Unfinished assignments. If homework isn't finished by a predetermined time – ideally, the same time each night – your kid knows he will lose a desired privilege either that evening or the following day.
- Forgets to bring lunch money. She doesn't eat lunch that day, and she will survive. Chances are also high she will remember to bring money in the future, especially if she knows you won't be rescuing her.
Change is never easy, especially when kids have been using irresponsible attitudes for a while. So don't expect instant success in this makeover. Do also remember to acknowledge your kid's effort for trying every step of the way and celebrate improvements – for example:
"Jeremy, it took courage admitting you were responsible for breaking the neighbor's window. Thank you for your honesty."
"Kim, I noticed you finished your work before watching TV. That was being responsible."
The First 21 Days
It's time to carry out a Major Responsibility Campaign in your home. Give your child a really important job, and trust her to do it. If she's younger, it might be making her responsible for growing a little lima bean garden (or something else that she likes). Start by giving her a packet of seeds, and get her started in the planting process. Then trust her to water them every day until they grow to a height that's ready to transplant into your yard. Watch her face light up when her plants sprout, and the beans are ready to eat.
For an older kid, find a project that requires skill building, dedication, and perseverance – perhaps making a family Web site, researching and planning a family vacation, adopting an abandoned dog or cat from the animal shelter and taking care of it, or earning enough money to buy a cell phone or other electronic gadget of his choice.
Attitude Makeover Pledge
How will you use these six steps to help your child become less irresponsible and achieve long-term change? On the lines below, write exactly what you agree to do within the next twenty-four hours to begin changing your kid's attitude so he is more responsible.
The New Attitude Review
All attitude makeovers take hard work, constant practice, and parental reinforcement. Each step your child takes toward change may be a small one, so be sure to acknowledge and congratulate every one of them along the way. It takes a minimum of twenty-one days to see real results, so don't give up! And if one strategy doesn't work, try another. Write your child's weekly progress on the lines below. Keep track of daily progress in your Attitude Makeover Journal.
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Ongoing Attitude Tune-Up
Where does your child's attitude still need improvement? What work still needs to be done?
Attitude Makeover Resources
For Parents
Didn't I Tell You to Take Out the Trash: Techniques for Getting Kids to Do Chores Without Hassles, by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay (Golden, Colo.: Love and Logic Press, 1996). The importance of chores and tools for getting kids to do them without hassles.
Raising a Responsible Child: How Parents Can Avoid Overindulgent Behavior and Nurture Healthy Children, by Elizabeth M. Ellis (New York: Carol Publishing Group, 1995). Creative solutions to helping kids take responsibility for their own actions and earn privileges – without your stern looks and threats.
Teaching Children Responsibility, by Linda and Richard Eyre (New York: Ballantine, 1984). A must-read: the classic in teaching kids responsibility using practical and real solutions.
The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off, by Rita Emmett (Toronto: Anchor Canada, 2002). A unique guide with dozens of practical ways to help your kid stop putting off what they are responsible for doing NOW.
Pick Up Your Socks . . . and Other Skills Growing Children Need, by Elizabeth Crary (Seattle, Wash.: Parenting Press, 1990). Well-structured content for parents to assist their kids in developing skills and then developing self-motivation.
For Kids
A Child's Book of Responsibilities, by Marjorie R. Nelsen (Longwood, Fla.: Partners in Learning, 1997). Ten child-centered categories illustrated in a clever book. Kids flip the cards themselves to the "I did it" pocket when they are finished. Ages 3 to 6.
Sam Who Never Forgets, by Eve Rice (New York: Greenwillow, 1977). Sam the zookeeper never forgets to feed the animals in his care. Ages 4 to 7.
How to Do Homework Without Throwing Up, by Trevor Romain and Elizabeth Verdick (Minneapolis, Minn.: Free Spirit Publishing, 1997). Hilarious cartoons and text provide helpful homework tips and insights. Ages 6 to 12.
From Don't Give Me That Attitude by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba. All rights reserved. Used by arrangement with John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Buy the book at www.amazon.com.
