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Tips for Developing Healthy Self-Esteem in Your Child

Most parents are aware that their child's feelings of self-worth are linked to social and academic success, but they sometimes don't realize how easy it is to damage their child's self-esteem. Research shows that children with learning disabilities are especially likely to suffer from a lack of self-esteem, but all children benefit when their parents take steps to help them develop positive feelings of self-worth. The Coordinated Campaign for Learning Disabilities and Dr. Robert Brooks, have compiled the following list of suggestions for parents.

1. Help your child feel special and appreciated.
Research indicates that one of the main factors that contributes to a child developing hope and becoming resilient is the presence of at least one adult who helps the child to feel special and appreciated; an adult who does not ignore a child's problems, but focuses energy on a child's strengths. One way for you to do this is to set aside "special times" during the week alone with each one of your children. If your child is young, it is even helpful for you to say, "When I read to you or play with you, I won't even answer the phone if it rings." Also, during these special times, focus on things that your child enjoys doing so that he has an opportunity to relax and to display his strengths.

2. Help your child to develop problem-solving and decision-making skills.
High self-esteem is associated with solid problem-solving skills. For example, if your child is having difficulty with a friend, you can ask her to think about a couple of ways of solving the situation. Don't worry if your child can't think of solutions immediately; you can help her reflect upon possible solutions. Also, try role-playing situations with your child to help demonstrate the steps involved in problem solving.

3. Avoid comments that are judgmental and instead, frame them in more positive terms.
For example, a comment that often sounds accusatory is, "Try harder and put in more of an effort." Many children do try hard and still have difficulty. Instead say, "We have to figure out better strategies to help you learn." Children are less defensive when the problem is cast as strategies that must be changed rather than as something deficient with their motivation. This approach also reinforces problem-solving skills.

4. Be an empathetic parent.
Many well-meaning parents, out of their own frustration, have been heard to say such things as, "Why don't you listen to me?" or "Why don't you use your brain?" If your child is having difficulty with learning, it is best to be empathetic and say to your child that you know he is having difficulty; then you can cast the difficulty into a problem to be solved and involve your child in thinking about possible solutions.

5. Provide choices for your child.
This will also minimize power struggles. For example, ask your child if she would like to be reminded five or ten minutes before bedtime to get ready for bed. These beginning choices help to set the foundation for a feeling of control over one's life.

6. Do not compare siblings.
It is important not to compare siblings and to highlight the strengths of all children in your family.

7. Highlight your child's strengths.
Unfortunately, many youngsters view themselves in a negative way, especially in terms of school. Make a list of your child's "islands of competence" or areas of strength. Select one of these islands and find ways of reinforcing and displaying it. For example, if your child is a wonderful artist, display his artwork.

8. Provide opportunities for children to help.
Children seem to have an inborn need to help others. Providing opportunities for children to help is a very concrete way of displaying their "islands of competence" and of highlighting that they have something to offer their world. Involving your child in charitable work is just one possible example. Helping others certainly boosts your child's self-esteem.

9. Have realistic expectations and goals for your child.
Realistic expectations provide your child with a sense of control. The development of self-control goes hand-in-glove with self-esteem.

10. If your child has a learning disability, help your child to understand the nature of her problem.
Many children have fantasies and misconceptions about their learning problems that add to their distress (for example, one child said he was born with half a brain). Having realistic information can give your child a greater sense of control and a feeling that things can be done to help the situation.

Reprinted with permission from the Coordinated Campaign for Learning Disabilities (CCLD). Call 1-888-478-6463 for important resources and information about learning disabilities.

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