Talking About Sex
by Dr. Susan LinnTalking About the Birds and Bees
What do you do when your youngster asks, "Where do babies come from?" Whether your child's in preschool or elementary school, we've got sound advice on how to talk about sex. Just click on your child's age group:
For Ages: 4 to 7
The Scene
You and your five-year-old son are grabbing a quick bite for dinner at the local eatery. Suddenly, he asks -- in a clear, loud voice -- "How did I get inside you, Mommy? Did you swallow a seed?" You start choking on your tuna sandwich.
We can't plan when and where children choose to ask difficult questions. Most parents will attest to the fact that they usually ask when we're incredibly busy, distracted, or tired. Questions about sex can be especially complicated because each of us carries our own issues and concerns about this fascinating topic. And we live in a society that persistently uses sex and sexuality for advertising even though many people frown on sex education in schools.
Because children are repeatedly exposed to sexual messages through the media at early ages, it's imperative that we talk with them honestly about sex and sexuality.
The Words You'll Need
What you tell your kids will depend in part on your own values. How much you tell them each time they ask will depend on their questions and their level of understanding. So be prepared to talk about sexuality over and over again and in different ways as your children mature.
The Words: You know, that's a really good question. I'm glad you asked.
The Words: I'm wondering how you think babies get inside of their moms.
The Reason: Try to get a sense of how much your child already knows about sex and reproduction. This is a good way to get a sense of any misconceptions, concerns, or fears he may have.
The Words: Daddy and I decided that we wanted a baby a whole lot.
The Reason: It's always important for children to hear that they are wanted. In this context, you are also setting up the notion of sexual intercourse being an act of love. You can still assure children that they are wanted, even if the circumstances of your child's conception are not neat or straightforward--if you are a single parent, for instance; if you had trouble conceiving; or if you used an artificial means to become pregnant.
The Words: It takes a man and a woman to make a baby.
The Reason: Help even young children understand that a baby comes from both a male and a female.
The Words: Men have something inside them called sperm. Women have eggs inside them and a special place, called a uterus or womb, where a baby can grow. The man's sperm and the woman's egg combine together to make an embryo, which is the beginning of a baby.
The Reason: It's important to give children the correct vocabulary to help them understand and talk about the process of making babies.
Children will respond in different ways to this kind of simple explanation. Some children may find that it's enough information for a while. Others may plunge right in and ask questions such as, "How does the sperm get to the egg?" or "Do I have sperm?" It's best to answer qestions in an unembarrassed, straightforward way. It's also best not to overwhelm children with lots of details that they're likely to forget.
The Words: Always let me know if you ever have questions about this, or anything else.
The Reason: Reassure your kids. All kids wonder about where babies come from. Remember that sex should be an ongoing conversation you have with your child. If your child is growing up in an atmosphere of openness and support, he or she will naturally feel comfortable coming to you with questions.
Conversation Tips
Your local bookstore or library should have several good books on talking to young children about where babies come from. Use teachers or librarians as resources for appropriate books or videos on reproduction. One good book is: It's So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families, by Robi H. Harris (Candlewick Press, 1999).
It's easier to talk with children about sex if you are comfortable with your body and understand how it works. If children are already comfortable with words such as "penis," "vagina," and "uterus," you have the building blocks for talking with them about how these parts function.
Beyond the Rap
Exactly how you answer children's questions about sex depends on your own values. It may be easier to read books about sex together, or to use humor.
You may want to talk about sex in the context of marriage, or you may be comfortable talking with them about sex in the context of a caring adult relationship. You should make very clear their right to say "no" to any kind of physical overtures that make them uncomfortable.
Communicate in ways that enable children to preserve their dignity, that feel in line with your values, and most importantly, that provide them with accurate information. Helping kids feel good about their bodies, and validating their curiosity, will help children make responsible decisions.
Remember, just try to get a sense from your children about how much they're ready to hear about sex. You'll get lots of other chances to talk with them about sex and other important issues as they grow. Good luck!
For Ages: 8 to 10
The Scene:
You and your eight-year-old daughter are chomping on hamburgers at the local diner. Suddenly, there's a lull in the noisy chaos. Your daughter looks up from her plate suddenly and asks in a loud, clear voice, "Mom, what's 'oral sex?'"
It's important to talk with children honestly about sex and it has always been hard for most of us to do that. But these days several factors make it even more crucial that children have access to good, honest information about sex and sexuality:
- Girls as young as eight are beginning to develop breast buds and to grow pubic hair.
- Children are experiencing hormonal changes that may be difficult and frightening for them to understand.
- Children are subjected, mainly through electronic media, to a kind of phony sexuality that ranges from the titillating innuendo to the brutally graphic.
- Pre-teens are encouraged, through advertising, to dress and act like teenagers.
- The AIDS epidemic has made lack of information about sex literally deadly.
These days children are constantly barraged with overt (and covert) messages about sex and sexuality. As media moguls use sex to sell everything from music to microwaves, and as advertising becomes more ubiquitous, children pick up signals about sex and sexuality, most often without a context to help them make meaning of this exciting, and endlessly fascinating topic.
The Words You'll Need
The best thing you as a parent can do for your kids, (who are growing up in these confusing times) is to have ongoing and open conversations with them about sex. Just being open to talking about sex within the context of your values will make it easier for them to approach you with all kinds of problems. Until recently, the information children got about sex -- that didn't come from their parents or other trusted adults -- mostly came from their peers.
- Think about your own education.
Try to think about your own sex education and how you feel about it now. Think about your own feelings about your body, your own sexuality. The more comfortable you are, or the more you understand your own positive feelings and discomforts about sex, the easier it will be to help your children develop into adults who are comfortable with their own sexuality. - Choose a good book.
There are lots of good books for children about sex and sexuality. Robie Harris's book, It's Perfectly Normal, has received a lot of praise from educators and parents. - Be straightforward.
Talk to kids in a straightforward way about your concerns about the amount, and kind of, sexuality they are exposed to in the media. How do you feel about using sex to sell things? How do you feel about young girls and boys being exploited as sex objects to sell jeans? How do you feel about the links between sex and violence in music or movies?
The Words: I'm happy to tell you, but it will help me explain if you can tell me what you think it is.
The Reason: Getting a sense of what your children already know (and its accuracy) is a good way to know how to begin.
The Words: I'm wondering where you heard about 'oral sex.'
The Reason: It's helpful to know where your kids are getting their information. If they're hearing about it from television, for instance, you might think about whether you want them to watch particular programs. If they heard about it in the context of a political figure, you might need to have a conversation that includes your feelings about things ranging from invasion of privacy to adultery.
The Words: That's an importation question, and I want to make sure I give it a good answer. Let me think about it for a while.
The Reason: If you're uncomfortable about a question, or aren't sure how to answer it, feel free to tell kids that you need some time to think -- as long as you reassure them that they have a right to ask difficult questions and they know you will be responsive.
The Words: Do you remember when we talked about sex before?
The Reason: Make sure that you've talked with your children about the basics of sexual intercourse before you talk with them about oral sex or any other specific issue about sexual expression. If they understand that grown ups have sex to express a special kind of love, it is easier to explain the idea of using different parts of one's body to give pleasure to someone special.
The Words: You know, you're getting to an age when you're going to have lots of questions about sex. I'm happy to talk to you about it any time.
The Reason: Let kids know that their interest is normal and that you expect that you'll be talking with them about it again.
Conversation Tips
The conversations you have with children before they are teenagers set the stage for being able to talk with them when sex is likely to be a part of their lives. If they think it sounds "gross," laugh with them (not "at" them) about that. Let them know that they might change their minds when they are older.
Many teenagers think that oral sex is a good way to avoid getting AIDS. Recent information strongly suggests that's not true. You might want to talk, even with preteens, about how HIV is transmitted and about safe sex.
Beyond the Rap
Exactly how you answer children's questions about sex depends on your own values. It may be easier to read books about sex together, or to use humor.
You may want to talk about sex in the context of marriage, or you may be comfortable talking with them about sex in the context of a caring adult relationship. You should make very clear their right to say "no" to any kind of physical overtures that make them uncomfortable.
Communicate in ways that enable children to preserve their dignity, that feel in line with your values, and most importantly, that provide them with accurate information. Helping kids feel good about their bodies, and validating their curiosity, will help children make responsible decisions.
Remember, just try to get a sense from your children about how much they're ready to hear about sex. You'll get lots of other chances to talk with them about sex and other important issues as they grow. Good luck!
