Let's Talk About Sex

Do We Have to Talk?

Even though studies show that 80 percent of parents feel responsible for their kids' sexual education, few actually sit down and talk about it. One study reveals that 19 percent of kids get information about sex from their parents, while 81 percent are educated by their friends! With stats like these, it's no wonder that teens suffer from so many misconceptions about sex.

Why do we parents fail to talk about the birds and the bees? Let's face it -- the subject makes us feel awkward and anxious. It also forces us to face the fact that our teens have become active sexual beings.

To make matters worse, most of us grew up with parents who wouldn't or couldn't talk to us about sex. We haven't had parenting models for discussing this sensitive issue with our kids. Well, it's time to break the cycle. In order for your kids to make responsible, safe decisions about sex, they're going to need vital information from you. We can help you tackle this tricky topic.

Finding the Words

Does the thought of talking about sex with your teen give you the jitters? Take heart. It's okay to confess this to your child. Most kids are just as uncomfortable as we are. If the idea of one, "big talk" makes you more nervous, consider having several continuing discussions. Do your best to start talking before your adolescent's hormones start to rage.

Since teens are bombarded with and influenced by the consexual, rarely-protected sex occuring on TV ("Party of Five" or "Dawson's Creek"), in the movies ("Titanic"), and in the lyrics of popular music, try using the media to launch your talk. It's a far more effective approach.

For example, ask your teen if she thought that Julia and Ned from "Party of Five" should have had sex. Once you open up lines of communcation, you can bring up unsafe and unwise sex, abstinence, and the consequences of sex with a mere acquaintance.

When the Pressure Is On

Today's teens become sexually active considerably earlier than teens from past generations. The everpresent media portrayals of sex between teens are shown as risk-free, normal, and a way to gain popularity: "Hey, if everybody's having sex, why not me?"

Ask your kids if many kids their age feel pressured to have sex. Who do they think applies the most pressure? Is it TV? Peers? Boyfriends or girlfriends?

Teens also pressure each other to have sex: "If you really loved me you'd have sex with me. Do you want to be the only virgin in high school?" Acquaintance (date) rape is a growing problem among teenagers. Your teen needs to know that "NO always means NO" and that nobody has the right to pressure him or her in any way to have sex. You might also mention that teens are more apt to have sex when they are drinking or using drugs.

To broach the subject of homosexuality and bisexuality, ask your teen how he thinks his peers feel about different sexual preferences. As a parent, you should know that many teens become confused about their own preferences as they search for their sexual identity. Teenagers who become troubled about their confusion or gender preferences are at an increased risk for committing suicide. Almost one-third of all suicides are committed by gay kids.

By the same token, your teen needs to know that it's normal to experience an attraction to someone of the same sex or both sexes. Sexual attraction and confusion about sexual identity doesn't automatically mean that a person is gay or bisexual. If your teen is gay or bisexual, they must know that these sexual preferences will never cause you to love him or her less.

Wrapping Up

Remember that informal sex talks with your teen shouldn't center on "sexual plumbing" facts and scare tactics. Your talks should focus more on the emotional and social factors of teenage sex and sexuality, as well as your own values regarding sex within a committed, caring, and mature relationship.

Don't be put off by your teen's attempts to shut down your overtures. Many adolescents have told me that even though they acted embarrassed and uninterested in their parents' efforts to engage them in sexual discussions, they appreciated their parents' concerns and efforts to guide them in this confusing area. Several teens acknowledged that their parents'advice saved them from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unwanted pregnancies.