Sibling Rivalry in Sports: The Situation: Head to Head

by Brooks Clark

The two youngsters on the tennis court, Brad and Joe, were born just 18 months apart, and they were involved in all the same activities. Experts say conflicts more often occur in siblings of the same sex born fewer than three years apart. Obviously, when they are doing the same things, the opportunity for those conflicts rises.

Brad and Joe's rivalry was further fueled by their parents. They were aggressive, hard-driving professionals who brought those attitudes to their sports activities. They played to win and expected their sons to do the same.

"Often, you'll find one or both parents creating the competition," says William Blevins, a family therapist in Jefferson City, Tennessee, and the author of Your Family-Your Self. "Parents create competition by rewarding winners and stressing competition rather than cooperation."

WHAT TO DO
Don't compare. It's natural for kids to compare themselves, and comparison is particularly easy in sports, where everyone is keeping score. As a parent, you have to focus on your child as an individual, not in relation to a brother or sister. "Comparisons are poison," says Adele Faber, co-author, with Elaine Mazlish, of Siblings Without Rivalry. "The child who is on the unfavorable side of the comparison feels diminished, devalued, and resentful."

Emphasize the fun of playing. Playing sports can provide kids with years of enjoyment and healthy activity if parents encourage them to learn skills and have fun. "Playing ball is fun," says Faber. "When we get caught up in who won, who did well, who did less well, that's when the fun is over and the poison is in."

Don't give the star special treatment. Parents should avoid playing favorites. Don't say things such as, "Since Justin scored the winning goal, Jamie can clear the table." Says Faber: Keep competition out of the home, period.