Sibling Rivalry in Sports: One Sibling Outshines the Other

by Brooks Clark

A Little League coach wants nine-year-old Janie Jones on his team, even though she didn't try out. Janie's 12-year-old brother, Josh, did try out, but the coach isn't calling for him. Josh is an excellent student and the kid who always gets called out of class to fix the computer. But sports, which he loves, come hard. It has been difficult for him to watch his little sister star in every sport she has tried.

When one child outshines the other, feelings tend to get hurt. When the star is younger and a girl, the pain can be overwhelming. "Playing on that Little League team] would have been a wonderful opportunity for Janie, but I had to say no," says Mrs. Jones. "It would have hurt Josh too much."

In this case, Janie had already decided to switch from Little League to girls' softball, so the decision wasn't traumatic. But how does a parent weigh the hurt feelings of one child against the exciting opportunities for another? And how can the sibling conflict be minimized rather than aggravated?

WHAT TO DO
Don't sacrifice opportunities. "You have to be careful about withholding opportunities within the family dynamic," says Aynsley Smith, a sports psychologist at the Mayo Clinic, in Rochester, Minnesota, "especially if the child perceives it as an important opportunity. That can lead to resentments later on. The solution still comes back to making each child feel good about the talents he does have."

Instead of declining the offer, Mrs. Jones should have let her daughter decide for herself whether she wanted to play Little League. At the same time she should have suggested options to her son that took advantage of his strengths. For example, she might have suggested Josh keep the stats for the team or become a sports reporter for the school newspaper.

Be sensitive and teach the star to be sensitive too. The Jones family tries to keep Janie's successes from causing Josh too much resentment. "Part of you wants to downplay what she's done," says Mrs. Jones. "She's hit three home runs in softball, and he's sitting on the bench in baseball. We've told her that sometimes we're not going to talk too much about what she's done, and she understands that."

Applaud effort. "I've tried to let Josh know how much I admire the fact that he keeps on trying, " says Mrs. Jones. "He has learned to take failure and defeat and to persevere."

Praise off-field skills as much as you praise the winning goal. Josh has recently discovered a nonsport talent, playing the piano. His parents wisely make a point of being supportive and enthusiastic. As exciting as a basketball tournament may be, parents should try to make as much of a fuss over a chess tournament or a debate competition.

Don't assign roles. At the same time, it's important for parents not to assign labels to their kids. "Parents try very hard to make each child feel special by making sure each has a different area in which he excels," says Faber. "They make one kid the athlete, the other kid the artist. In actuality, what occurs is a bad dynamic. The artist feels he can never succeed as a ballplayer; the ballplayer not only feels he can never do art because that's his sister's province, but he also feels undue pressure to perform as a ballplayer. We want to say to kids, You can do it all."