Bringing a New Baby into a Stepfamily
Hoorah! You've decided, or you're pregnant, or the adoption papers have been filed. What now? Who tells the ex(es)? How are you going to tell the kids? And how are your kids and stepkids going to react?
Who Tells the Ex?
Don't leave this one to the kids; exes should call exes. Your partner should tell his ex, and you should tell yours. It doesn't matter that you aren't lovers or even friends anymore. No matter how bad the blood is now, the ex's children are about to have a sibling. What affects a child also affects a parent. Consider it a courtesy call to somebody you have a working relationship with, and consider that it will affect the ex emotionally.
A relationship breaking up is one thing, and a repartnering is another, but having a child with somebody else puts a finality to the former relationship. If, for some reason, the ex wanted (or wants) more children and it isn't likely to happen, she or he may have a nasty reaction. As I said before, nobody is neutral about babies.
That all said, the ex doesn't need to be the first person on the list. Waiting until the pregnancy is viable or the adoption papers are in order is always wise.
Telling the Kids
If the kids are old enough to understand, I suggest having the bioparent raise the subject of a new baby before the deed's been done, to get them used to the idea. Once again, this should be done by the bioparent. (Special warning: If you tell the kids you are thinking about having a baby, be prepared for them to tell their other bioparent.)
Bob told his daughters, Stephanie, 14, and Sophie, 10, that he and Katie were thinking about it as soon as they had decided to try for a baby, before she was pregnant. He let them voice their objections (which were many at first) and simply listened. When, a few months later, he came to them with the happy news that Katie was expecting, they didn't go into total shock because they'd already processed the idea.
Stepping Stones
Privacy? What's that? Have another kid and the tattered remnants of your privacy are gone (at least for a while). The ex will know if your wife miscarries; the stepkids may be in the delivery room, helping her pant. For private people, this can be hard. Revisit your expectations, establish your boundaries, and release the rest into the clear blue sky.
Prenatal Reactions
Your stepkids and kids may not react at all well at first, or they may be just fine about it. Walter was thrilled when he found out his stepmom was having baby. He began planning immediately how he'd teach it to read and write before it could walk, and he asked his dad if he could take it to school for Show and Tell. Walter's sister Paula, on the other hand, was horrified and devastated that she wouldn't be her Dad's baby anymore: “Well, it better be a boy,” she said, and stomped out of the room.
Jealousy and anxiety are common before the baby arrives. Kids may fear being displaced. “Where will we put it, Mom?” 5-year-old Lucy asked anxiously when she heard that her mom was pregnant. “I don't want it to sleep with me!”
Little kids often don't seem to react much to such an announcement. It's too vague, and they can't really understand it. They may, as time goes on, enjoy feeling the baby move in their mother or stepmother's belly.
Kids of all ages tend to get excited as well as anxious (though you may not know it from the blasé expressions many kids wear on their faces). Incorporate them into some of the planning. Solicit their input on names, and help them feel part of the process.
Postnatal Outcomes
Kids' reactions to the infant are not always warm and welcoming. The eldest child may feel her family position is threatened, as here comes along a new “eldest.” The youngest child may mourn his lost position as “family baby” as he moves to a “middle child” position. If handled incorrectly, and if the parents are too wrapped up in their howling little bundle to reassure the older children, a new baby can block up the relationship between kid, bioparent, and stepparent.
Fortunately, the results are usually more positive. Once the baby is born, kids generally relate to their new half-sibling the same way kids always relate to siblings: with a combination of love and hate, interest and disinterest, connection and repulsion.
“It's fascinating to watch them relate,” says Paula's stepmother. “Paula is really into the baby. They have their own thing going, and it makes me realize that there's this relationship here that I have nothing to do with.” Half-siblings are brothers and sisters to each other. They'll build their own relationships, and they'll have their own pleasures and disappointments with each other. You don't have a lot of control over that.
Have you got a kid or stepkid who's reluctant to warm up to the baby? Don't beg, cajole, or bribe. Let the baby handle it. Babies are brilliant at seduction. The first time a half-sibling encounters a toothless smile, he'll be wooed!
I Kid You Not!
That ubiquitous combination of sibling rivalry and idolatry can exist between half-siblings of any age. Witness the case of Rhonda, 4, and Angela, 24. Rhonda worships Angela; Angela's favorite color is blue, therefore so is Rhonda's. Angela loves to play backgammon with her father when she comes to visit—Rhonda jumps on Angela's back as they play and pulls Angela's hair. Angela complains that Rhonda gets privileges she never had, yet she brings Rhonda fabulous gifts and boasts about her little sister's brilliance to her friends.
Different Surnames
Legally, you can give your new child any last name you want, but if you and your partner, or you and your kids, have different surnames, you'll have to decide which one to use. (You can make up your own, too.)
When my daughter Annie was born, we thought long and hard about her last name. I'd kept my own name. What should Annie's be? A deciding factor in giving her Bill's last name (her middle name is my last name) was the fact that his other kids had his last name, and we felt it would help the siblings bond if their last names matched. (In retrospect, a name is just a name, and the kids would have bonded just as well without that similarity.)
His, Hers, and Ours!
It's a baby! It's our baby! For many stepfamilies with children from one or both partners, the new baby brings somebody in common to everybody, and a sense of permanence and completion to the family. If you weren't truly combined before, you are now!
Life in the stepfamily with a new baby is no doubt more hectic than before, and it's probably happier. Babies are delightful, winning creatures.
I Kid You Not!
Worried about the effects on the kids from having such a large family? Don't be. As a child, I loved visiting my friends the Faw family: six large, jolly kids and a beaming Ma and Pa Faw (the youngest son was Beau Faw, and that's no faux pas). Kids of all ages like a family scene, and babies thrive on siblings and kid-chaos.
Parenting Is Not Like Stepparenting
If you've stepparented but not parented, you'll be surprised at the depth of your emotional attachment to the new little one. (This isn't to knock your feelings for your stepkids, but the bonding that occurs when you actively parent a child from early on is far more intense.)
Be prepared for some surprises. Many new parents find they change their minds on parenting issues. The disapproving stepparent who felt that their partner was far too lenient on disciplinary issues suddenly lightens up, loosens up, and realizes that kids are not perfect. Stepparents often become better stepparents once they are parents.
Stepparents tend to make good bioparents. They've already had experience with kids, and they are already committed to family life.
Stepparents also commonly find that they feel closer to their stepkids after they've had a child of their own. Sometimes this is because they are more focused in on children—all children. Often a stepparent will fall in love with her stepkids when she sees how much they love and feel close to the baby.
A new baby usually has a positive effect on the partnership as well. Now that you and your Love share something so vital in common, you have more of an equal partnership. For the stepparent who has never parented before, gaining “official” parenthood status can help diminish old power struggles.
The Parent's Reactions to New Parenthood
Though bioparents often fear that having a new child will stretch them too thin emotionally or will interfere with their relationship with their existing kids, in reality, a new baby can lead to a renewed interest in parenting and family life as a whole. This renewed enthusiasm often plays out as more attention paid to the older kids, too—and no, this is not just Parent Guilt talking.
