Stepparenting an Adolescent: What to Expect

Misconceptions and Corrections

Here's what you may think:

• Teens are awful, thoughtless, and impossible.
• Teens from “broken” families get messed up with sex, drugs, and criminal elements.
• The stress of a stepfamily added to the normal stresses of adolescence lead to depression, eating disorders, and suicide.

Here are the realities:

• Adolescence is a time of stress, and, yes, your stepteen may be awful and cruel at times. A new stepfamily doesn't make it easier (but may not make it harder, either).
• Adolescents can be charming, warm, caring, and interesting to be around. It's a joy to watch kids come into their own.
• Teenagers don't want an adversarial relationship any more than stepparents do.
• Rebellion is part of any teen's job, and your stepteen is not necessarily going to be more messed up than other teenagers.
• What matters is not the structure of the family, but the quality of it.

Adolescence 101 for Stepparents

Teenagers are beautiful, angry, sexual, sassy, messy, moody, and often lethargic. Think of them as lions: big, gorgeous cats with huge feet who lie around all day in the sun but spring into action without notice to rip the steaks off an innocent grazing zebra.

I was 25 when I got my stepkids. Aaron was 15 and Rachel was 12. Luckily, neither kid realized what a small difference in age there was between us (and I didn't tell them!). There was one advantage of being so close in age: I was still fairly tuned in to the teenage psyche. I still remembered clearly what being a teenager was like.

If you're older than I was, time has probably taken its toll and you may not have a clue about whether your teenage stepkid is “normal” or not. Talk to other parents. Read some books. Educate yourself. In the following sections, I've included a few details about what to expect. But I feel I gotta add this major disclaimer: Because all human beings go through adolescence, and because human beings vary widely, I'm generalizing. Take what applies and move on. I'm only suggesting possibilities here.

When Does It All Begin?

Adolescence is a combination of physical and social shifts that begins for different kids at different times and in different orders, depending upon the person. When my husband Bill was 13, he grew 12 inches, from 5 to 6 feet, in three months. His legs stretched like silly putty, and his point of view literally altered drastically. (While his body raised an octave, his larynx stayed behind in the same physical location, changing him from a soprano to a baritone.) My physical transformation from girl to woman seemed as sudden to me, from “Flatso” to “Va va va voom!” over the course of a summer.

It's not always that drastic (Bill and I share a flair for the dramatic, even in puberty), but for every adolescent, the shift from child's body to adult's body is profound, affecting mind, mood, and self-definition. “Who am I? What kind of person am I going to be?” the adolescent asks, and then tries to find out, in all sorts of ways.

Pushy and Rebellious

Teenagers (and preteens) are rebellious and reactive, and they do exactly the opposite of what they are told. This is a normal and essential part of growing up and becoming a free-thinking, self-reliant adult. It's their job to establish their own identity and to separate from their parents. It's not a pleasant job, but somebody's gotta do it. (Ironically, they sometimes act the least free-thinking and self-reliant just as they are asking most for more independence.)

While your stepteen strains against the reins of authority (that's you and your partner), your challenge is to remain calm. Understanding the teen's job description helps. When he pushes you away, he's not deliberately hurting your feelings. It also helps to understand what “normal” rebellion looks like so you can help prevent (or deal with) the more destructive and self-destructive forms. Some high schools have parent education nights that can truly help.

Master of Disguises

One day she's a biker chick, the next a prissy cheerleader. A week later her hair is bleached and dyed green, she's got pierces in the oddest places, and she's asking permission to get branded (ouch!). Watch closely. If the identity changes are manifested on things that can change (like clothes and hair), you probably don't have to worry. It's a peer thing. (Now's the time to haul out your old high school yearbook and look at how bizarre and awful you and your chic friends truly looked.) The time to worry is when the style is irrevocable (branding and tattoos won't wash off when Junior wants to look like a young stockbroker), or when the disguise seems more than skin deep (a bubbly kid changing into a morose one, a quiet one becoming hyper-energetic, or wild fluctuations in weight or other odd behavior shifts).

Social Butterfly, Lone Wolf, and Clinging Vine

All teens, step or not, would rather be with friends than with a parent figure. With custody issues and visitation battles, sometimes an essential is left out of the picture: the fact that teens often don't want to hang out with any family that much. Teenagers are social beasts. They want to be with their friends. They need to hang out with their friends—it's part of establishing their own identities.

Much of the distance you'll feel from a stepteen has little to do with whether he likes you. He wants to hang out with his buddies not because he has something against your very presence, but because, for many teens, too much time away from friends verges on physically painful. Peers matter. As stepparent to a teen, be sensitive to his social needs. Try not to push for too much family togetherness. And lay off the guilt trips about it—they won't help.

At the same time, stepfamily life may affect the teen's quest for independence. It's hard to rebel against your parents when you feel insecure about their love or worry about how much you matter to them (kids often feel as though they're in competition with their stepparents for their parent's attention). A teen may end up clinging to a parent as tightly as a limpet clings to a sea-swept rock.

The Hormone Years

Teenagers are very sexual beings. They think about sex and romance all the time. Freshly minted hormones course through their veins. Plus (and this is the annoying part), they tend to think that they invented sex, that you are an old fogy who did it a few times maybe and never do it anymore. Or they flirt with trouble—and you. Teenagers and preteens are a mass of roiling hormones, and it's common to find some of that hormonal energy directed at you. Your new, sexually supercharged relationship with your partner may be adding to the cause; the kids may just be more aware of sexual energy.

Teens often become sexually provocative. If you find your stepdaughter walking around the house in a tight bikini or landing in your lap for a neck massage, or if your teenage stepson lifts weights around you in a muscle shirt, you may find yourself reacting on a physical level. You are the adult here; you must resist this energy. It might help to make your partner aware of flirtatious behavior you're seeing. The child should not be reprimanded, but it is important for the lines of communication to remain open.

It's very common for a parent who is attracted to a stepchild to be overly strict. You may also find that you are uncomfortable being physically affectionate with a teen or preteen stepchild, or that the child is uncomfortable with you. If hugs and embraces are uncomfortable, you can instead be affectionate and loving with your words and your smiles.

Moody, Moody, Moody!

Respect the moods of a teen. Can you imagine it? Do you remember it? It's hard being a teenager. Not only is your body betraying you by sprouting all this hair and odd fleshy bumps, but there's school and work pressure, an increased understanding of the world and what terrible shape it's in, and all that pressure of what you're going to do with the rest of your life. If all teens have it bad (and all teens do), the stepteen has an added stress: a new stepfamily to get used to. A moody teenager needs room to simply exist, and he also needs you to offer to talk about it. Do some active listening, but don't push.

Teenagers need privacy: time alone, private space, and private thoughts. Respect this need and don't pry. Knock on a closed door (and wait for an answer) before entering. Don't ever read a kid's journal. You'll be sorry, and if you're found out, you will break the trust between the two of you forever and ever and ever.

The “I Don't Care” Adolescent

Teenagers define cool. The slouch, the poker face, and the lazy, slacking attitude. Do you think they really don't care? (You're wrong. They care desperately. It's an act.) The stepparent who is feeling insecure can easily take the nonchalance of the average teen as rejection of the highest degree.

Inconsiderate? You Bet

Your stepteen may not show much interest in getting to know you, the step. All kids tend to ignore grownups (you read about this in Building a Relationship with Your Stepchildren), but you may simply not matter that much to your stepteen. Hey, it wasn't up to her that her parent found and fell in love with you. Friends come first, second, and third for the adolescent. A parent comes fourth. How does it feel to be in fifth place? Now think back to your own teen years. It's your friends you remember most, right?

Defender of Truth

Teenagers have built-in b.s. detectors and no tolerance for phoniness or hypocrisy. Don't try to be somebody you aren't. You'll be seen through and skewered with disdain. Teens are notorious for scoffing at adults who dress too “young,” for example.

The Humiliation Factor

All parents, not just stepparents, are embarrassing. You're so uncool. Your clothes are so dorky. Need I continue? Try not to feel too insulted when your stepteen makes you drop her off around the corner from her rendezvous spot because you're driving a brown, functional Taurus instead of a totally cherry '63 Mustang.

Sweet, Thoughtful, Supportive

Really? Absolutely.

Teens do get a bad rap. These years are a time of great growth and exploration. You, as a stepparent, get a front row seat watching one of the greatest shows on earth—presto, change-o—the ugly ducking becomes a swan! It's an interactive show, too. You get to participate! You'll have fun, you'll have moments of great satisfaction, and you'll catch those looks of affection and gratitude.

Adolescent Child of Divorce

Divorce is traumatic for the whole family. How do teens, in particular, react? After it's over, after the re-partnering, now that you are in the picture, what's the best living situation for your stepteen?

”You're Getting a WHAT?”

Adolescents are egocentric, and their initial reactions to their parents' divorce is to feel that the divorce is something that's being done to them. Parents should expect an extreme response (on the other hand, a teenager's response to everything tends to be extreme!). A teen may experience and express anger, sadness, regression, denial, and he may act out (taking risks, coming home late). Experts suggest getting outside help when an intense reaction lasts more than two months or is extreme or dangerous, such as deep depression, running away, or displaying abusive behavior.

“Where Am I Gonna Live?”

Friends matter. Stability matters, too, and adolescents tend to do best when their outside life is disturbed as little as possible. Look at it this way: A teenager's life is composed of family, school, social life, and activities. Disrupting the family is bad enough, but disrupting it all at once (moving to another home, community, and school) can be very hard on a teenager. Look, even her body is new right now.

Kids also differ in their needs. My stepson Aaron didn't mind doing the 60-mile bus journey twice a week between his mom's house and ours (he said it gave him time to think), but it was hell for 14-year-old Rachel, whose school and friends were near her mom's house, who hates buses, and whose idea of traveling light is one jumbo suitcase, plus a special pillow and a small backpack. (In later years, Rachel lived with us full-time while she finished college, so it all evened out.)

Here are a few suggestions:

• Try to keep a teen's exterior life as stable as possible during the times of breakup and re-partnering.
• Be objective, if you can, about which parent would be best for the teen to live with during this big time of change. Consider who is better able to give supervision, attention, and physical space to the teenager. Which parent's lifestyle is more appropriate?
• A teenager should definitely have input into where she'll live, but don't put her on the spot by making her choose between your households. Loyalty issues can tear a teen apart. If she expresses a preference, listen. (Yes, even if she wants to go live with that old goat of a dad instead of living in peace and prosperity with you and her biomom.)
• Try not to take it personally if the other household is “chosen.” He's going to be your stepson for many years to come, and all relationships have different seasons. Think long-term. Perhaps your household's turn will come (and perhaps sooner than you think).

Moving In with the Other Bioparent

It's fairly common for a kid who has lived primarily with one parent for years to want to change households and live with the other parent. Part of this is the adolescent's quest for identity and trying on new roles and new lifestyles. Part of it may be that it's not always easy for a teen and a teen's parents to get along. Household shifting is especially common when a boy has been living with his mom and wants to be in closer contact with his dad, a male role model. As a stepparent, be prepared for a sudden change in your lifestyle. You may have a live-in stepkid with little notice, or all at once you may find yourself with far less child in your daily life.

Excerpted from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting © 1998 by Ericka Lutz. All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Used by arrangement with Alpha Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

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