Mom, I'm Bored!

Responding (Or Not!) to Summer's Siren Call

Like most parents on the planet, Kathy W. has heard the complaint, "I'm bored. I want to watch TV." Unlike many moms and dads, this New Hampshire mom tells her three sons, ages ten, seven and four, "That's good! Now you have a chance to explore new possibilities." Kathy thinks kids have to get bored to get creative.

Summer is a season ripe for boredom. For many children, the transition from a rigorously scheduled day of school, enrichment classes and homework to a lazy, hazy day at home can be very unsettling. Parents, who mourn the loss of free time for themselves, may have difficulty understanding a child's frustration. Some may look back at their own childhoods and recall idyllic days spent barefoot, catching frogs and spitting watermelon seeds from the back porch. But the scene in the rear view mirror is likely to have grown somewhat blurry with the passage of time. Chances are that frog-catching and seed-spitting moments were few and far between in the summer of '69, with far more time spent watching Andy Griffith reruns in a dark, cool basement!

Still, many of our parents did what Kathy W. does today: tell kids to go off and find something to do on their own. That's what researchers who study boredom say more of us should do: refuse to step into the role of cruise ship director, offering myriad activity choices to satisfy a child's every whim.

"Finding things to do when bored is the way kids learn to be on their own, to find out what interests them and what isn't boring," says Jonathan Plucker, associate professor of educational psychology at Indiana University. "That's the problem we see with college students. The ones who have a hard time adjusting are those whose parents never transitioned into giving them more responsibility. In the end, we want kids who can entertain themselves, pick up a book or find something they want to volunteer for."

Plucker, who has conducted studies of boredom among schoolchildren, advises parents to use a "scaffolding" approach, to "slowly build up" a child's own sense of resourcefulness, rather than suddenly announce "you're on your own" when a lull hits. One approach is to help kids write a list of "boredom buster" activities. Eventually, Plucker says, they'll write the list on their own or not even need one.

The "Bored" Game

Elaine M. Gibson, a parent educator who coaches parents raising kids with learning disabilities and behavioral challenges, agrees with Plucker that "children need to practice being creative," that creativity is not only a trait from birth but a skill each child can develop. She also urges parents to follow Kathy W.'s example and refuse to play "The Bored Game."

"If a child is really looking for suggestions, he or she will take the first ideas and run off to play," says Gibson. But if the child wants to play 'The Bored Game', the child will find a reason not to like ANY and EVERY suggestion."

If the parent has offered a few suggestions in good faith and they are rejected, Gibson advises, the best thing to do is disengage with a comment such as, "I'm sure you'll think of something. You are a clever child." Some kids will even accuse a parent of not caring, but Gibson has observed that most will eventually tire of trying to manipulate a response from a parent who won't play along.

On the other hand, some children who are simply told to "find something to do" will choose to play video games from dawn to dusk, rising from the couch only for bathroom breaks and snack attacks. House rules on "screen time" are essential, experts agree. Most pediatricians and child development gurus suggest a maximum of one to two hours a day of total screen time, including TV, computers, video games and hand-held electronics such as Game Boy.

"Such pre-packaged, non-interactive activity does not keep people intellectually active over the long term," says Plucker. "Recent research strongly suggests that more involved intellectual activity may fight or delay various forms of dementia such as Alzheimer's disease."

Other Ways to Win The Bored Game

Accept the fact that creative activity is messier than watching TV. Be proud of a kid who wants to test the chemical interactions of dirt, dead flies and chocolate pudding, but set some boundaries so that you don't go crazy ("You can do your experiments in the backyard and the kitchen, but the living room is out of bounds because I just cleaned up in there.")

Don't beat yourself up if you're a working parent and you need to have your child in camp or other programs for much of the summer. Instead of feeling guilty, look for programs that recognize the importance of choice and unstructured time. Ask the director lots of questions: can kids choose their own activities? Do they have free time to goof around or read at night in the bunk before bedtime?

Remember that children, like adults, need time alone. When Kathy W.'s oldest son Jonathan complained of boredom, she allowed him to take refuge from his younger brothers in her study. He used the time to write a short story.

Understand and respect children's need for structure. Kids who live highly regimented lives from September to June will likely struggle with the open-ended ness of a summer day. Rather than judge feelings of anxiousness about the absence of a schedule ("You're bright enough, you should be able to think of something to do, especially with all those toys!") encourage them to feel resourceful and join you in planning at least some of the day's activities.

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