When Your Child Is Being Teased

The Scene
Eight-year-old Derrick is barely eating. When asked what's wrong, he bursts into tears. "The kids at school keep calling me a dork," he sobs.

The Words You Need
Children may have strong feelings about being the victims of teasing, and that can make it hard to talk with them about it. Here are some suggestions to keep the conversation going.

The words: "I'd like to understand what happened. Why don't you tell me about it?"

The reason: Listening respectfully to children -- hearing their experience of events and interactions -- is one very important way to give them your support. Remember to listen before offering advice.

The words: "That must have felt awful..."

The reason: Acknowledging children's feelings without judgement is a good way to help children feel safe talking with us about difficult and embarrassing topics.

The words: "I remember being teased when I was your age..."

The reason: Feeling alone, or singled out, is one of the more painful aspects of being teased. Hearing that you had difficult times when you were a kid will help children feel less alone -- and most children love stories!

The words: "Let's think about what we can do about this..."

The reason: It's best not to start problem solving until your child feels as though you understand, or are trying to understand, his or her experience. Engaging children in the problem-solving process helps them feel competent and helps them build important skills.

The words: "You know, it's hard to believe, but lots of times people who tease are really unhappy."

The reason: It's helpful if children begin to understand that kids who tease may have problems and are less than all-powerful.

The words: "Would you like me to do something about this?"

The reason: Children may or may not want parental intervention, but it's important to offer it as an option. They may feel that talking to other parents or teachers will make things worse instead of better.

Conversation Tips
Some people are more sensitive to teasing than others. How we talk to our children about it will depend on what we know about them. Ask yourself these questions: Are my kids especially sensitive? Can they laugh at themselves? Has this kind of thing happened before? How do they generally get along with their peers?

Beyond the Rap
Most children are occasional targets of hurtful teasing. How you and your children approach teasing will depend on your culture and your family's style of interacting. Encourage kids to avoid games that involve coming up with increasingly gross, or nasty put-downs. These can lead to hurt feelings and even fights.

If children are persistently the victims of teasing, in a variety of situations, they may be sending out signals that encourage it. In that case, it may make sense to seek professional help through your health plan or school.

More on: Bullies & Teasing