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Teen Anger: Techniques to Avoid the Buildup

All teenagers occasionally grow angry and rebellious and express these emotions in some fashion. Some methods of acknowledging aggressive feelings produce problems, others don't.

Anger and feelings of disapproval build up and then are released through different methods. We can exemplify this situation by using the image of an "anger" balloon. Each time something happens that we do not like, air is forced into the balloon and it starts to expand. Eventually, air has to be let out of the balloon. How anger is expressed is different for different people. Some people let anger build up until their balloon pops, and when this happens there may be an explosive outburst of anger over a minor annoyance. After this display of anger, there is usually a period of control until the balloon blows up again. Other people release air from the balloon every time it starts to fill. These are the individuals who appropriately express their feelings at the time they occur. Some other individuals release air through passive-aggressive maneuvers, displacement, or physical complaints.

In addition to helping the teenager appropriately express and deal with his or her angry feelings, parents should try to reduce the accumulation of anger and deal appropriately with aggressive and rebellious behaviors when they occur. The techniques that follow should help.

Encourage Appropriate Communication
The most effective way to deal with anger and rebellious behavior is to have teenagers appropriately communicate their feelings of disapproval and resentment. Encourage them to express and explain negative feelings, sources of anger, and their opinions—that is, what angers them, what we do that they do not like, what they disapprove of. If a teenager expresses emotions appropriately, in a normal tone of voice, she should not be viewed as rude or disrespectful. This is an appropriate expression of anger, and the youngster should not be reprimanded or punished. In other words, allow teenagers to complain, disagree, or disapprove, provided they are not sarcastic, flippant, or nasty. Remember, though, that allowing a child to shout, swear, or be fresh does not teach effective communication of emotions.

Listen. If the teenager is complaining about excessive restrictions, punishments, or other things that she does not like, listen. Try to understand her feelings. If the complaints are realistic, see if something can be worked out and resolved, or if a compromise can be achieved.

Avoid Excessive Negative Attention
It's a mistake to pay more attention to what the child is doing wrong—his failures, mistakes, misbehaviors—than to what he is doing right—his successes, achievements, good behaviors. When you go to bed at night, review the day you have had with your child. Have you spent as much time during the day looking at his appropriate behaviors as you have looking at his inappropriate actions? You should avoid using punishment as a primary method of control. Instead, substitute positive consequences, which place the emphasis on good behavior rather than on bad behavior. Eliminate verbal punishment (hollering, putting down the adolescent, name-calling, excessive criticism), and use reward as a disciplinary tactic. Emphasize successes, accomplishments, achievements, and good behaviors. Pay more attention to normal good behavior and be positive.

Constant nagging of a teenager will certainly result in a buildup of anger, resentment, and aggressive behaviors.

Try Not to React to Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Some of the opposition, stubbornness, resistance, and other passive-aggressive maneuvers of teenagers are designed to express anger and/or to get a reaction from the parents. Ignoring this behavior is often an effective way to reduce it.

Some ways of dealing with this passive-aggressive behavior will result in the development of more anger, while others will help deflate the anger balloon. For example, a child is told to set the table for dinner. While setting the table, she mumbles under her breath and every now and then you hear comments like, "They think I'm a slave. I want to go live at Grandma's, where I'm appreciated." Along with the mumbling, she is angrily tossing ice in the glasses and banging down the plates and silverware. This teenager is annoyed because she feels she has better things to do than set the table. Her mumbling and other actions are passive-aggressive maneuvers to express her anger and resentment. These behaviors are releasing anger and letting air out of the anger balloon. If you react to her mumbling by criticizing or scolding, you will be putting more air back into the balloon—that is, the anger that was initially released by the child's complaining and defiance will be offset by a buildup of additional aggressive feelings. By using the consequence of ignoring her, this additional buildup of anger can be eliminated.

There are several things that must be kept in mind when using this consequence, and there are a few different ways to ignore the behavior. In general, if you ask a teenager to do something and he is doing it, although complaining the whole time, ignore his complaints since he is doing what you asked.

Avoid Random Discipline
Parents often discipline after the fact. I call this random discipline. They set a rule and wait for the adolescent to break it before they decide upon a consequence. To teenagers, the concept of fairness is extremely important. If they are disciplined in this fashion, they may frequently feel unjustly treated. In addition, random discipline often makes teenagers feel that others are responsible for what has happened to them and anger is apt to develop. You should spell out the rules and consequences for your child's behavior at the same time. The most important part of this process is not the rule, but the consequence. Put the responsibility for what happens to the child squarely on his or her shoulders.

Don't Get into a Power Struggle
You tell the adolescent to clean his room and he refuses. Then you threaten, "You had better clean it, or you're not going out on Saturday." He replies, "You can't make me clean it and I'm going out on Saturday, anyway." Then you say something, he says something, you both begin to shout, and a full-blown power struggle has developed. This is a good way to generate anger in your child.

When possible, avoid battles and power struggles, which only lead to a buildup of anger. At times, it may be better to have the child experience the consequence of his behavior rather than to win the battle and get him to do what you want. If you try to win each fight, you may battle the child throughout adolescence, and will probably end up losing the war. Look for Ways to Compromise
In many situations with adolescents, you should try to treat them the way you would one of your friends or another adult. Rather than get into a battle to see who is going to win, it may be better to create a situation where a compromise is reached.

Provide Appropriate Models
Children learn a great deal from modeling their parents' behavior. The way we handle our conflicts and problems is apt to be imitated by our children. If I handle my anger by hollering, throwing things, or hitting, there is a good possibility that my children will handle their conflicts in a similar fashion. The old saying "Don't do as I do; do as I say" is a very ineffective way of dealing with behavior. Therefore, if you see aggressive or rebellious behaviors in your teenager, look at yourself, your spouse, or an older sibling to see if one of you is modeling these behaviors. If so, the behavior must stop before we can expect to change the adolescent's conduct.

If there is a significant amount of arguing in the home, or if parents demonstrate disrespect for one another, it is likely that the teenager will adopt similar behavior patterns. If you scream at your child, he is likely to scream back.

One mother told me, "Every time I hit my daughter, she hits me back. What should I do?" My answer was very simple: "Stop hitting her." Whenever I see a child who is showing aggressive-type behaviors, I want to know if this behavior is being modeled in the home. If youngsters are dealt with through physical punishment, we may be teaching them to handle conflicts by physical force or aggressive behavior. It does not have to be the actual use of physical force. It can be threats of force. In other words, "I'm going to get you to do that because I am bigger than you and can control you by intimidation." If we deal with teenagers in that fashion, we are apt to cause a buildup of anger at the same time that we are indirectly teaching them aggressive and inappropriate methods of problem solving.

Parents who use physical punishment with the young child, as a primary method of dealing with his or her behavior, forget one important thing: children grow and usually get as big as or bigger than them. A young child disciplined through physical punishment will probably end up as an adolescent who gets into physical battles with his parents.

Parents must look at themselves to be sure they are not models of the behavior they are trying to eliminate in the child. Serving as an appropriate model is a good way to teach children how to deal with and express anger.

Who's in Control?
When I was a young parent, people would tell me, "Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems." At the time, I did not quite understand this bit of advice, but now that I have experienced being the parent of teenagers, I know exactly what it means.

Young children who have been pampered and spoiled—and have learned how to control their parents—are used to having things their own way. Therefore, they tend to be somewhat bossy and self-centered, behaviors that intensify during adolescence. If a child like this is told not to eat any cookies, he may defy the parents, sneak into the kitchen, and eat the cookies. Or if he is told not to jump on the couch, he does not listen and continues jumping. When adolescence arrives, the same child is told to be home by midnight and instead comes home at 4:00 A.M. Told not to drink and drive, he drinks and drives anyway. The little problems of the small child become much bigger during adolescence, and frequently result in more serious consequences.

I often see families where adolescents are out of control, will not take no for an answer, and will not accept parental authority. Many times when these teens do not get their way, aggressive, rebellious, and oppositional behavior results. Some of these adolescents have been in control of the family since they were young. The child determined the routines and activities in the home more than the parents. A seven-year-old was having trouble in school because she was not doing the required work in class, but instead was daydreaming and doing whatever she pleased. In talking with the parents, I discovered that they were having the same type of difficulty at home. The child would not cooperate, especially with routine tasks. They also mentioned that she was constantly complaining to them about the fact that her three- and four-year-old brothers did not have to go to school. Why did she have to? She did not think it was fair that her brothers could stay home, play, and watch television. Every morning before school, an argument about this usually took place. She frequently requested to stay home, and generally this issue produced a great deal of conflict in the home. In order to solve the situation, the parents put the two brothers in nursery school, demonstrating that the daughter was more in control than the parents. Rather than allow a child to call the shots and try to manipulate the environment to accommodate the child or to avoid problems, it might be better to have the child learn that there are certain things that must be done whether or not she wants to do them.

As I mentioned earlier, we can control young children, but with the adolescent we must exert authority. I am not talking about an authority by force or by dictatorship. I am talking about an authority that involves setting rules and being consistent in administering consequences. If parents can exert this type of authority, the probability that positive behaviors and attitudes can be developed will increase.

The child who has been in control his entire life finds it difficult to relinquish this power during adolescence. However, because of the severity of the consequences that can occur in adolescence, parents are usually trying to exert more control at this time. As a result, battles, conflicts, anger, and resentment occur when the teenager does not have his own way. Below are some techniques on establishing rules and consequences in a fashion that will allow you to have some authority over the teenager.

Stabilize the Environment
Teenagers who experience environmental change—especially divorce, separation, or remarriage—may develop underlying anger. The anger and resentment that result from the changes may be expressed in other ways. Try to identify the changes, stabilize the environment, and get him to express his feelings through more appropriate methods. If the adolescent has questions regarding a divorce or remarriage, discuss them with him.

Avoid Excessive Restrictions
Some children who are overprotected, excessively restricted, and generally not allowed to be like other youngsters their age may develop resentment and anger. They want to do things that others do, but are prevented from doing so. Sometimes you have to look at your teenager's peer group in order to decide what is and is not appropriate, and what is too much restriction.

Do Not Let the Behavior Get Out of Control
Once a child is actively involved in an aggressive behavior or shouting match, it is difficult to deal with the behavior. Rather than wait till the behavior occurs to handle it, sometimes it is possible, and better, to try to prevent it from happening or to catch it early and not let it get out of control. In some teenagers, the aggressive behavior develops gradually and may involve several steps. Some initial behaviors appear and then intensify. For example, a teenager's brother may call him stupid. Some verbal exchanges follow, then a pushing and shoving match begins, and finally a full-blown fight erupts. Rather than wait to react when the fight starts, it would be better to try to catch the behavior early, and intervene before the situation gets out of hand. Target the name-calling or verbal arguing and try to stop that, rather than wait to zero in on the fighting.

A mother tells her sixteen-year-old son to clean his room. When he says no, she counters back with a warning, then a threat. A struggle develops, and after some shouting and screaming on both parts, the boy goes to his room and throws something, breaking the window. Rather than waiting to zero in on the boy's destructive behavior, it would be better for the parent to catch this kind of sequence in the beginning.

Also see Setting Rules / Expectations and Consequences for Your Teen