Original URL: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/communication/39355.html

Increasing Communication Between Parent and Teenager

Communication with the teenager is extremely important, but many of the typical changes that occur during adolescence tend to interfere with the effectiveness and amount of interaction between parent and child. Although adults have much more experience in life than the adolescent, the teen is usually not aware of this fact or does not believe it; therefore, the advice, wisdom, and directions of parents are often not valued. Teens tend to spend more time in their room, with their peers, and away from family activities. Consequently, opportunities for communication diminish during this period of the child's life.

Because of these and other factors during adolescence, children do not confide in us as readily, and do not communicate their feelings as much as they did when they were younger. In addition, general communication about their activities - what they did the day before, where they are going, or whom they are going with - also decreases. Therefore, many parents of teenagers have problems talking to their children, giving them advice, knowing their true feelings, or explaining things to them. On the other hand, children may have difficulty talking to their parents, expressing opinions, discussing things that bother them, or relating their experiences. These difficulties with verbal interaction are generally termed lack of communication. Communication problems may be described in a variety of ways.

A parent might say:

• My son is always on the phone, sleeping, out with his friends, or in his room. He never has time to talk to me.
• Every time I try to explain something to my daughter or give her advice, she gets upset and storms out of the room.
• When I talk to my child, he gives me a blank stare and is obviously not listening to anything I am saying.
• My youngest one never tells me when something is bothering her. I never know how she is feeling. She keeps everything to herself.
• If I ask my son a simple question like "How was your day?" he gets irritated and gives me a sharp answer. I can't even talk to him about simple things like his daily activities.

On the other hand, the adolescent might say:

• They're always asking me questions. Where did you go? Who did you go with? Did you have fun? It's like a third degree. When my friends come over, my parents even ask them a bunch of stupid questions, too, like "Where do you go to school?" or "Where does your dad work?"
• My parents don't understand me. They are living in another time period.
• The only time my father talks to me is when I do something wrong or when he's trying to point out what I should do.
• It seems as though every time I tell my parents what my opinion is or how I feel, they tell me how wrong I am or why I shouldn't feel that way.
• Every time I ask my parents something, I get a lecture.
• My mother is always talking and I can't get a word in. She asks me a question and then gives me the answer.

Communication problems are numerous and varied. Some of the things that interfere with effective communication with your child, and some suggestions that will increase the quantity and improve the quality of communication between you and your teenager, are discussed on the next page. By using some of these concepts, it should become easier for you to talk with your child, and the resulting verbal interaction should increase in frequency and grow more meaningful. Opportunities for Communication Must Be Available
If you are in New York City and I am in New Orleans, the odds that we will communicate often or at length are slim. Similarly, if your teenager spends most of the time in his room and you keep busy in another part of the house, the odds are also slim that there will be much interaction between you and your adolescent. Therefore, before any form of communication can occur, you and your child must be together in the same room or location. You need to create opportunities for communication. The suggestions that follow are designed to increase both the amount of communication and your teenager's desire to communicate with you.

If your teenager does not drive or is too young to have a license, and if, as a result, you have to transport him to various places (e.g., to a friend's house, a football game, a doctor's appointment), the time you spend together in the car may be an opportune moment for communication. Another suggestion is to get more involved in activities that are of interest to the adolescent: help him wash or work on his car; go shopping with him; play golf, go fishing, or become involved in leisure activities consistent with his interests. You might even want to visit his room (if you can find a place to sit) to listen to the music he likes and discuss that with him. Perhaps your daughter is interested in cooking or your son wants to learn how to build or repair things; these activities could be used as opportunities for communication. Although teenagers probably will not accept your invitation, you could ask if they want to accompany you to visit their aunt or their grandparents, go out to eat, or take in a movie. Most of the time they will decline because they would rather be doing something else or be with their friends, but they might surprise you and agree. The chance that they will come with you may increase if you tell them they can bring a friend, but don't count on this happening.

Try to provide as many opportunities as possible for you and your teenager to be together so communication can occur.

Talk Just to Be Talking
Because communication between parents and children decreases with the advent of adolescence, much of the verbal interaction that we do have with the youngsters is designed to get a point across, teach them something, get them to see the situation from a different angle, change their attitude, tell them what they are doing wrong, show them how to do it correctly, or convince them of the importance of certain activities. In other words, when we talk to them, we are trying to accomplish something more than a simple, enjoyable conversation. If this is the majority of communication that we have with our teenagers, their willingness to talk to us will certainly decrease. An important goal in communicating with teens should be just talking with them, without trying to accomplish anything other than talking.

This can be achieved primarily by discussing with the teenager something that is of interest to him or her. Some of my children's interests at the current time center around sports, skateboards, cars, music, and the opposite sex. If I want to have a conversation with them just to talk, and for no other purpose, this can usually be accomplished by discussing one of the above subjects. You can speak with your youngsters about movies they have seen, TV programs, rock stars, school news, and other subjects you know will interest them. Many times it is important just to communicate with them, without trying to accomplish anything, make a point, or get them to understand a concept. Talk just to talk.

Some teenagers tell me that when they talk to their parents about various things, the conversation usually ends up in lectures or preaching. In other words, the child may say, "When I'm talking with them just to have a conversation, they use what I say either to make a point, to teach me something, or to explain certain things." Often when this is the case, a child will stop communicating. A case in point is that of the sixteen-year-old who is talking to his mother about a friend who quit school. "Mom, Mike has been working at the fast-food restaurant since he stopped going to school. He really hates the job and says it's a lot of work and he doesn't get paid much money. He's thinking about quitting and finding another job." Instead of listening to her son and taking this opportunity to talk to him about what he is saying, the mother uses his remarks as a launching pad to discuss the value of education - why he should stay in school, how he will need an education to get a good job, and so on. The child started the conversation to have some verbal interchange, and what resulted was a lecture he did not want to hear. In another example, a girl is talking to her mother about a friend's sixteen-year-old cousin who already has a baby and is pregnant again. This information results in a lecture on sex, boys, the need to be careful, and other bits of advice. In these two instances, the children are talking to their parents just to talk, but instead they receive Lecture 101. When teenagers attempt to converse with their parents and get this type of response, communication with parents will decrease. Try to Be Positive
As mentioned, much of our interaction with the adolescent involves correction or trying to teach something, get a point across, or change an attitude. Therefore, much of the communication is often negative. Parents frequently pay more attention to mistakes, misbehaviors, and failures than they do to successes and accomplishments. This is especially true in adolescence. A teenager whose job is to walk the dog before bedtime does this six nights in a row, but forgets on the seventh night. When does she get attention for this behavior? Usually on the one night she forgets to walk the dog! Nobody says anything complimentary about her performance on the other six nights. Another example: Your son cleans the kitchen and does a beautiful job, except that he forgets to empty the dishwasher. Of course, the attention for cleaning the kitchen will focus on the one chore that was overlooked. Another child does an excellent job cutting the grass, edging, and sweeping, but fails to put the gasoline can back in the garage. The good behavior is overlooked and the emphasis is on the can of gas that was left out.

Would you frequently communicate with or become fond of a boss who is constantly critical of your performance? No, you would tend to avoid that person and keep your verbal interaction to a minimum. All of us try to avoid situations that produce negative attention. Therefore, if the majority of your verbal interaction with the adolescent is negative, she will try to avoid it. The end result will be that the amount of time she spends talking to you will be reduced. Think about the last ten discussions or verbal interactions you had with your adolescent. Did most of them involve some type of correction or discussion that emphasized what the child was doing wrong, her negative behavior, or what she should or should not do?

Although most parents find it easier to praise a young child than an adolescent, you should pay attention to some of the teen's appropriate behaviors when they occur (e.g., when the clothes are put away or when the cat's litter box is changed). If 99 percent of the kitchen has been cleaned and only one percent is dirty, you should offer 99 percent positive attention and either overlook the negative or sandwich it somewhere in your positive response to the appropriate behavior. Work at increasing positive verbal interaction.

Communicate with the teenager about his successes, accomplishments, and good behaviors as much or more than you talk to him about his failures, mistakes, and bad behaviors. If you interacted with your child three times today and all three occasions were negative, this is worse than if you interacted with him 100 times today, and fifty occasions were negative and fifty positive. In general, a good rule of thumb to keep in mind is that when you get ready to go to bed and review your day with the child, you want to be sure you have spent more time looking at positive behaviors, attitudes, and activities than you have spent looking at negative behaviors. Teenagers who receive a significant amount of positive verbal attention and interaction want to talk more with their parents. If this occurs, the lines of communication will be kept open and you will become more aware of your teenager's feelings, opinions, and objections.

You Can Talk Too Much
Some parents just talk too much. For example: A child asks her father to help with an algebra problem because she has run into difficulty with a particular step. The father sits down and spends forty-five minutes explaining things like unknown values, rational coefficients, and extraction of roots. The teenager then thinks, "When I ask my parents to help me with homework, all I want them to do is answer a particular question, which will probably take a minute or two, and instead they sit down and spend an hour trying to get me to understand the whole concept of the subject." The result is that this adolescent stops asking her parents to help with homework.

There are several different areas where parents tend to talk too much.

Questions. The average teenager does not like to be asked many questions. Even simple, casual questions, such as "How was your day?" "Did you have a good time last night?" "Where are you going Saturday?" are sometimes seen as the third degree. Many times adolescents who experience a lot of questions will respond with flippant answers, will tell the parent exactly what he or she wants to hear, or will not respond at all.

Rather than ask the teenager a complex series of questions or put her through the third degree, a parent is better advised to discuss the situation with the teenager. Talk to her about what has happened and go with the flow of the conversation, rather than put her on the spot or ask her a number of disjointed questions. For example, your son has just started a new friendship and you want to know something about the friend and his family. Rather than ask a series of questions (such as "How old is Johnny?" "Where does he go to school?" "Does he have any brothers or sisters?" "Where does his father work?"), you could ask one question or wait for the child to start talking about his friend and then sit down and listen. The teenager's response to the one question may offer a variety of information, or his conversation may provide you with several areas to pursue. For example, you might ask, "What did you do at Johnny's house today?" or he might just volunteer that information. While discussing what he and Johnny did, your child may generate some other information like "Johnny's brother came with us to pick up a tape at Billy's house." You could then use the mention of the brother to ask about Johnny's siblings. Other responses by your son might mention Johnny's parents, schooling, or some other aspects. The information provided by your son will help you to determine the direction of the conversation. By responding to the child in this fashion, it does not seem as if a series of questions is being directed at the adolescent and, as a result, the conversation flows more smoothly. Try to avoid disjointed questions and use the information supplied by your child to direct the flow of the conversation and to gather the knowledge that you desire.

Some children complain, "My mother asks me a question and then answers it herself, before I have time to say anything." This type of response by a parent is a good way to minimize communication between parent and child. You have to be a good listener and give your child an opportunity to respond to your questions.

Lectures. "Oh, no. Here comes Lecture 35 again." Some children tell me their parents should put some of their lectures on tape and just replay them, because they have heard them so many times before. One child told me that he hates to have discussions with his father. When I asked him why, he said, "Every time I do something wrong or get a bad grade from school, my father sits down and has a long talk with me." In other words, much of the father's interaction with this child involves lectures.

Sometimes when we are trying to make a point with a youngster, it is best to be brief rather than to provide another lecture. Children usually tune out lectures. Your communication will be more effective if you are brief and to the point.

Repetition. This topic involves both of the above areas (questions and lectures), as well as some others. Parents tend to give the same lecture over and over again, and sometimes ask the same question repeatedly. This is a good way to turn off the kids and minimize verbal interaction. Repetition also involves nagging: "Did you do your homework?" may be asked several times a day. Instructions like "Go clean your room" are repeated too many times.

Most of the time, parents continually repeat things because the teen does not do what they request. As mentioned earlier, rather than remind a child 500 times to clean his or her room, it would be better to set a rule and the consequence of the behavior. Spell out what you expect and what will happen, then leave it alone. "You cannot go out Saturday night until you clean your room." "You cannot talk on the phone until your homework is completed."

Excessive questioning, lectures, and repetition of questions and instructions produce more anger, resentment, stubbornness, opposition, and back talk. Remember, teenagers are often already annoyed with these "stupid grownups" for telling them to do something. The more that this negative type of interaction exists, the more likely it is that anger, resentment, and other negative feelings will develop.

Talk Sometimes Does Not Change Behavior
For some teenagers, talk, explanations, lectures, conversations, or trying to get them to see the problem from a different angle will help to change their behavior. For others, the talk is about as effective as asking the wall to move back four feet, and will not work to change the behavior. Some children - "attitude kids" - develop appropriate attitudes through communication or explanation. Once they have developed the desired attitude, their behavior will change. For other teenagers, talk, explanations, and lectures go in one ear and out the other, and will not change their behavior. These children need to experience consequences; by experiencing the consequences of their behavior, they develop the desired attitude. Therefore, talk and verbal interaction with some children should be used as a form of communication, not as a disciplinary tactic to change behavior. For these youngsters, what you say is not as important as what you do.

Let us use as an example the fifteen-year-old who is continually hitting his younger brother, who weighs sixty pounds less. The parent sits down with the older boy and explains carefully that he might easily hurt his brother, that his brother is much smaller, that he should tolerate his brother, that he should love his brother, and that he should not hit him. However, after numerous repetitions of this explanation, the child still continues to hit his little brother.

Another child who is not doing homework has received at least 47 different lectures on the importance of education and the need to do homework, but still appears to have an "I don't care" attitude when it comes to school-related work.

Excessive explaining to this type of child will only interfere with effective communication. In the examples above, the parent should say, "The next time you hit your brother, this [consequence] is going to happen to you, and if you don't hit your brother, something different [a different consequence] is going to happen to you." Or "If you do your homework, you will be able to use the car this weekend or go to the movies on Saturday. The week when you do not do your homework, you will not be able to go out on the weekend."

Think Before You Open Your Mouth
This topic primarily involves overreacting to what has been said by an adolescent, or reacting to him before you have a chance to think. Many times teenagers say things just to get parents upset or to get a reaction from them. When you overreact, you are giving them exactly what they want. If this occurs, they may continue to say things that provoke a reaction. A fifteen-year-old may say, "I'm quitting school. I don't need an education. I'm tired of all of this homework." The parent may then overreact, get upset, start lecturing and berating the youngster, pointing out the value of education. Another child who does not get her way may say, "I'm leaving this house and never coming back." Again, an overreaction frequently follows a statement like this.

The other reaction that falls in this category involves not thinking before you respond to a child. It may be something as simple as this: A child asks his parent, "Mom, can I sleep at Robbie's house?" A second after the child asks the question, the mother says, "No." After thinking about it for a while, she realizes that there was no reason to say no and now tells him he can go. Some parents will respond negatively before they have a chance even to think about the question.

My son had a summer job, and after working two weeks and receiving his first paycheck, he told me he was going to buy a new car. My initial thoughts were, "You have to be crazy. You don't even have enough money to buy a set of tires. Do you know how much a new car costs?" In other words, I wanted to tell him how crazy and impossible the idea was. Rather than respond in this fashion, however, I just began to talk to him about the type of car he was going to buy, the color of the car, and so on. After a while, we got into a discussion of how much the car would cost, and I think he began to realize how far he had to go before he could even consider getting a new car. In other words, I think he then realized what I initially thought without my having to say it.

A significant amount of negative attention, confrontation, explaining away a child's feelings, or telling him how wrong he is can be avoided by staying calm and thinking a little before you talk. This is much easier said than done, but usually becomes less difficult with practice. Rather than react or overreact to the child, talk to him. If you have assessed the situation and feel that the reason that your child is saying certain things is to get a reaction from you, do not give him the reaction. If you have a tendency to overreact or to respond to your child before thinking, it might be a good idea to tell him that you will consider the situation, or use the "Let me think about it and I'll get back to you later" approach. Then, after a period of time, you can talk to him. You could also tell him that you want to discuss this matter with your spouse and will get back to him. Be sure you do get back to him later. Counting to ten and various other techniques can also be used to help you think before you respond. "Because I Said So."
Although we are generally trying to understand the adolescent's feelings and to communicate effectively with him or her, there are some situations where your only response may be "Do it because I said so." This is especially true if you have a child who cannot take no for an answer. You could give a hundred explanations for denying his request, but the only answer that he wants to hear is "yes" to his demand. Any other answer will fall on deaf ears, and reasoning, discussions, or explanations are fruitless.

Suppose I tell you that I feel I should be able to work three-and-a-half days a week and be off three-and-a-half days. After I make this statement, you respond by explaining, "People used to work seven days a week. You should be happy you're only working five. In fact, you should be grateful to have a job." However, the only explanation that will really satisfy me is for you to say, "You're absolutely right. Go ahead and work just three-and-a-half days." However, if I were working for you, you would probably tell me, "I'm the boss and you're the employee. You either come to work five days a week or look for another job." In other words, the reason that applies here is "Because I said so." Another example: "Give me a good reason for making the bed every day if I'm going to mess it up every night." The parent may not have a good reason for this question other than "This is my house. I have the job, I pay the bills, and as long as you're living here, you'll do it because I said so."

This method of communication should not be used frequently. However, if you have a teenager who is always demanding numerous explanations and the only thing that will satisfy him is to agree with him or tell him what he wants to hear, you may have to resort to the "Because I said so" technique.

Not "Why?" But "What Can I Do?"
This is a concept I frequently discuss with teenagers who tell me, "My parents don't understand my side of the story. They won't listen to me. I don't know what I have to do to earn this privilege I want." Often when a teenager asks "Why?" it results in an explanation from the parent and the above feelings for the child. The child asks "Why?" again, and the parent gives another explanation. After a while, both parent and teen become frustrated.

Suppose a teenager with a 12:30 A.M. curfew asks his father to increase it to 1:00 A.M., but the parent refuses. When the teenager asks why, the parent says, "There is nothing you can do after 12:30 at night except get into trouble." The child responds, "All my friends are staying out, so why can't I?" and another explanation follows. After numerous explanations, he is still asking why and the parent is still telling him, "Because I cannot trust you. You are not responsible. You may not go where you tell us you're going. I'm worried about you." At the end of all the discussion, the child still is not able to stay out later. Rather than have the teenager continually ask why, I suggest he try, "What can I do to earn this privilege?" If a parent says, "No, you cannot stay out past 12:30 because I don't feel you are responsible enough or I can't trust you," a response by the adolescent that would increase communication and move toward a compromise would be, "What can I do to show you that I am responsible so that I can have this privilege?" In other words, "What behaviors must I display in order for you to develop more confidence in my responsibility?" Parent response to this question might include such things as more involvement in schoolwork, a decrease in lying, or more cooperation around the house. The teenager now has an idea of what he has to do to achieve this specific goal. By responding in this way, both parent and teenager set up a situation for a compromise. If a child gives his parents what they ask for, he will be able to get what he requests. I often tell the teenager that "Why?" will get him nothing, but that "What can I do?" may get him something he wants.