Opportunities for Conversation with Teens

Toddlers vs. Teens

When poet Noelie Altito uttered the infamous words, "The shortest distance between two points is under construction," she must have been referring to parents and their teenagers. Strange though, because it wasn't this way when your teenagers were children.

I recently attended a workshop given by an infant and toddler specialist who highlighted some of the differences in parental relationships with toddlers as opposed to teenagers. When the presenter was asked how you deal with a toddler who refuses to take a bath, she had a wonderful response—one that is hugely effective with young children:

I'm a huge fan of food coloring in the bath—it doesn't stain and takes just a few seconds to throw into the water as it's filling the tub. Whenever I start the bathing ritual, I slip right past my son's defenses by asking him if he wants blue water or red water. Nine out of ten times that does the trick. He spends all his efforts on deciding between blue or red, or once in a while he asks for green.

As the speaker relayed this story, I found myself involuntarily nodding in agreement. After all, I've used the same kind of approach with my own young children with generally favorable results. But then I paused and imagined how that same tack might play out with a teenager:

Mom: When you take your shower tonight, do you want to try that new soap I picked up at the market?

Son: You think I have BO? Why don't you leave me alone and stop trying to run my life!

Mom: I don't think that at all, I just want to know if you want to try this new soap or not.

Son: Yeah, right. What do you think, I'm stupid? Next thing I know, you'll want me to take ballroom dancing with you and Dad.

The strategic approach that worked so well when your teenager was a child not only falls flat during adolescence but often makes matters worse, whether or not it was an innocent comment or represented some ulterior motive of yours. As the parent of a teenager, it's necessary, at times, to use the direct approach, but it's just as necessary develop skills in the more indirect methods.

The Direct Approach
Sometimes your teenager needs you to take the direct route, usually in the areas of limits, guidelines, and expectations. Times like this require clear communication and conciseness; they leave no room for doubt or misunderstanding. You also need courage, because during moments like these you are firmly ensconced in the role of parent. These are lonely times.

• We're going out to dinner after the movie, so we won't be home until after midnight. Remember, no friends over while we're out. No exceptions. Got it?
• No, you can't go to a party without adult chaperones present. I don't care if everyone else is. You are not to go to that party tonight, clear?

Your teenager needs your clarity around these kinds of issues to supplement his courage and assuage his doubt. But as far as these communications leading to an immediate and observable change in behavior, well, they probably won't. (All the changes in your teenager's behavior resulting from your direct interventions happen just outside your view, which is one of the central tenets of an earlier book I wrote with Joe Di Prisco, Ph.D., Field Guide to the American Teenager.)

Although the direct approach is important, it's also isolating for you as a parent, and too much of this approach risks a permanent disconnect between you and your teenager. Therefore, for your sanity, the well-being of your teenager, and the connection between you both, you need to supplement the direct approach liberally with lots of indirect communications.

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