Opportunities for Conversation with Teens

When poet Noelie Altito uttered the infamous words, "The shortest distance between two points is under construction," she must have been referring to parents and their teenagers. Strange though, because it wasn't this way when your teenagers were children.

I recently attended a workshop given by an infant and toddler specialist who highlighted some of the differences in parental relationships with toddlers as opposed to teenagers. When the presenter was asked how you deal with a toddler who refuses to take a bath, she had a wonderful response—one that is hugely effective with young children:

I'm a huge fan of food coloring in the bath—it doesn't stain and takes just a few seconds to throw into the water as it's filling the tub. Whenever I start the bathing ritual, I slip right past my son's defenses by asking him if he wants blue water or red water. Nine out of ten times that does the trick. He spends all his efforts on deciding between blue or red, or once in a while he asks for green.

As the speaker relayed this story, I found myself involuntarily nodding in agreement. After all, I've used the same kind of approach with my own young children with generally favorable results. But then I paused and imagined how that same tack might play out with a teenager:

Mom: When you take your shower tonight, do you want to try that new soap I picked up at the market?

Son: You think I have BO? Why don't you leave me alone and stop trying to run my life!

Mom: I don't think that at all, I just want to know if you want to try this new soap or not.

Son: Yeah, right. What do you think, I'm stupid? Next thing I know, you'll want me to take ballroom dancing with you and Dad.

The strategic approach that worked so well when your teenager was a child not only falls flat during adolescence but often makes matters worse, whether or not it was an innocent comment or represented some ulterior motive of yours. As the parent of a teenager, it's necessary, at times, to use the direct approach, but it's just as necessary develop skills in the more indirect methods.

The Direct Approach
Sometimes your teenager needs you to take the direct route, usually in the areas of limits, guidelines, and expectations. Times like this require clear communication and conciseness; they leave no room for doubt or misunderstanding. You also need courage, because during moments like these you are firmly ensconced in the role of parent. These are lonely times.

• We're going out to dinner after the movie, so we won't be home until after midnight. Remember, no friends over while we're out. No exceptions. Got it?
• No, you can't go to a party without adult chaperones present. I don't care if everyone else is. You are not to go to that party tonight, clear?

Your teenager needs your clarity around these kinds of issues to supplement his courage and assuage his doubt. But as far as these communications leading to an immediate and observable change in behavior, well, they probably won't. (All the changes in your teenager's behavior resulting from your direct interventions happen just outside your view, which is one of the central tenets of an earlier book I wrote with Joe Di Prisco, Ph.D., Field Guide to the American Teenager.)

Although the direct approach is important, it's also isolating for you as a parent, and too much of this approach risks a permanent disconnect between you and your teenager. Therefore, for your sanity, the well-being of your teenager, and the connection between you both, you need to supplement the direct approach liberally with lots of indirect communications. Long Conversations and Short Moments
Given the hyper self-consciousness and inherent defensiveness of most teenagers, it only makes sense that you will seldom have those long, open, and frank talks you have long dreamed about. That is, if it isn't late at night or you aren't in the car, they will not stay still long enough for you to build up the necessary momentum for long, heart-to-heart talks. This does not mean you give up. Instead, your challenge is to make use of what you know about your teenager developmentally—that deep sharing is not the everyday occurrence between teenagers and parents—at least, not on any kind of consistent basis—and plan accordingly. Pragmatically, this means keep the talks short and get comfortable letting the loose ends dangle for a bit.

I've struggled to persuade my sixteen-year-old son to be more open with me for the past two years, but it's been a total failure. Even when he wants to talk with me, or even if he is in the midst of sharing something with me, it's as if he had given himself a limit of five minutes. It's as if he had set an alarm clock, and after five minutes he stops—sometimes in mid-sentence. Finally, after two years of this, I've figured out what to do: Just as he is approaching the five-minute mark, I break off the conversation, either by changing the subject, turning my attention elsewhere, or, as rude as it sounds, just not responding. It's strange, I admit, but at the same time it's incredibly liberating, too. It reminds me of the way he talked with me when he was five years old, only now I'm acting the part of the five-year-old. The best part is that, after I have done this a few times, he has taken to pursuing me to finish the conversations—just as I did when he was a child. Talk about a change of dynamics!

You're free to luxuriate in your fantasy about a one-hour conversation with your teenager, but before you actually approach her, do a reality check and shift your expectations from a single, one-hour exchange into eight six- or seven-minute conversations. That is, you bring up the topic while walking to the corner store together. She responds with a few sentences. You ask a question or make a comment that broadens the context. She then turns her attention to the cute boy driving by in a pickup truck. This is your signal that you've reached a resting place, which is different from the end of the conversation. Then the next evening, when you are both bringing your dirty dinner plates to the kitchen sink, you can continue the conversation, picking up almost as if no time has passed between the two talks.

For this indirect, elongated approach to in-depth conversations to work, it's vital that you end each segment having touched upon your teenager's curiosity. Yeah, these kinds of things always make sense in retrospect, so I wonder what you'll think about this situation a month or so down the road? You want to end your conversation on a note that starts an internal dialogue with her. Then, later that day or sometime in the next few days, you pick up where you left off because you know that her inner dialogue has carried her farther down the path and that she is now more articulate about the subject as it relates to her than she was the day before.

"Have you figured out which birthday party you're going to on Saturday night—your friend Samantha's or your cousin Elizabeth's?"

"I don't know. I really want to go to both, but they are too far away from each other. And both of them really want me to come to theirs. I don't see Elizabeth that often and I see Samantha every day, but that kind of thinking hasn't helped so far. I just hate to let either one of them down."

"Feel caught in a bind?"

"Yeah. I almost wish I would catch the flu or something."

"I know the feeling."

"You do?"

"Sure. Sometimes I wish there were two of me."

"Well, if you figure out how by Saturday, let me know."

"Absolutely. But which party do you imagine would be the most fun for you?"

"Huh? I haven't really thought about it that way."

"Might be worth the effort. You know, just another variable to consider."

The beauty of this approach is that while you help her process whatever is troubling her, you stop short of taking over her struggles; and this is exactly what all teenagers need from their parents if they are to grow up into responsible young adults. Best of all, once your teenager realizes you are there for her and not trying to micromanage her life, she'll begin to initiate some of these conversations. Here is what happened the next day:

"I decided which party I'm going to."

"Congratulations! How did you decide?"

"I think it will mean more to Elizabeth. Besides, I'm getting a little tired of the same old thing every weekend, so who knows, maybe I'll meet somebody interesting at Elizabeth's."

"Good for you. Have you thought about how you're going to break the news to Samantha?"

"I'm not sure what I'm actually going to say, but I'm going upstairs to wrap her gift now. She can't get too mad if I give her a birthday present when I tell her. Besides, I got her a real nice present. Want to see?"

Take your time. Adolescence lasts for long time, so there is no rush to get in every point you want to make in every conversation. Think of it this way: Your teenager is very much like a sponge, and you need to make sure not to soak her with more attention, concern, and suggestions than she can absorb.

Unexpected Moments
When you hone down your expectations to shorter conversations, you set yourself up for pleasant surprises: unexpected moments of sentiment and sharing. (This is especially true if you do this in concert with some of the other ideas in this book.) In Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers, I urged parents not to take personally much of their kids' behavior, because most of their moodiness and inconsistency stems from normal development during adolescence, not anything their mom or dad has done.

I still stand by that advice, but at the same time I urge you to take as personally as possible the wonderful moments of sharing and opening up that occur between you and your teenager. They are far and few between, so you need to soak them up to get yourself through the longer dry spells. The key, though, is that once they open up and are vulnerable, you realize that this is the exception to the rule, not the new norm. That is, tomorrow they'll behave as if nothing had happened. Just understand that they are not behaving this way because the shared intimate moment with you was unimportant; quite the contrary, they are defending themselves to protect their growing sense of independence. They got too close and felt as if they might lose themselves. Expect the distance; it's actually a sign of how important and tender the moment was for your teenager.