Discipline and Your Teenager

Give Back the Problem
Once you begin to understand the nuances of your teenager's rush towards independence, and when you are able to cut back on your lectures and advice-giving habits, your teenager will surprise, shock, and infuriate you by going against the grain of all that we've discussed thus far. In essence, she comes to you with a problem and insists that you solve it for her, but there's a catch—there's only one right answer, and she already knows it. And she will do everything in her power—bullying, whining, crying, screaming, cajoling, teasing, threatening—to make you come to the same conclusion.

"Hey, Mom," says fifteen-year-old Tiffany as she walks into the kitchen. "There is this great party tonight that I want to go to, okay?"

"You know the ground rules: parents home, no alcohol, and give me the number."

"No problem, it's just that it starts after the play is over tonight. So can I stay out until two?"

"Two in the morning?! That's ninety minutes past your curfew."

"I know, but it's a special party. Besides everyone is going, even the freshmen parents are letting their kids go."

"Well, I don't know, it's awfully late. How come you didn't ask me about this before the day of the party?"

"I wasn't sure I wanted to go, but now I'm sure. So can I go?"

"Where is the party?"

"It's at Jason's. And yes, his parents will be home, and you know they would never serve alcohol. So can I go?"

"It's a cast party, right? So that means seniors and juniors will be there too?"

"If they're in the cast, they'll be there, Mom."

"I don't know, honey. It's an older crowd and it's awfully late. Let me think about it."

"Mom! It's tonight, not next week. Everyone is going. Please."

"Maybe. I don't know. Let me talk to your dad first."

"But he won't be home until after I leave for the play. Mom, don't do this to me. Are you trying to ruin my life?"

"Stop that kind of talk, you know that's not true. I want what is best for you."

"Then let me go. I swear, if you knew how good a kid I am compared to most of the kids in my school, you would let me go in a second. Maybe I should be more like everyone else."

This kind of discussion seldom ends amicably. In essence, teenagers are experts at handing over some of their problems to us and then rejecting all our solutions, at least until we land on the one they wanted from the beginning.

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