Talking to Your Teen About Alcohol

Like the sex talk, the conversation about alcohol is one that few parents look forward to, yet it is the conversation we all must have, again and again. Initiating the dialogue sends the message that you care, that you are clued in, and that you are realistic. On this issue, as well as sex, a vague, dreamy parent is exactly the parent a teenager does not need.

What is it that you are saying to yourself? My teenager and I have always had a good relationship and she will come to me if she needs information. But that's what probably will not happen. You need to meet her more than halfway. Why? For one thing, you know better than to take any chances. And for another, your kids need you to understand that they don't know everything without having to reveal their blind spots to you.

Or maybe you are saying, Unfortunately, I should have had the conversation already, but I missed the opportunity in the distant past. Forget it. It is never too late. Of course, it is not the same approach for a fifteen-year-old who is not going to parties or driving yet and an eighteen-year-old who is; and for that matter, it is not the same for your child and his best friend.

Or maybe you are thinking, The school's health program has already covered this ground. Good for the school. They are taking their job seriously, your child stands to benefit, and you should deeply appreciate it. They have done their part; now you do yours.

What? You're Not Perfect?
Suppose you, like most people, are not a teetotaler. Do you think that because you drink your authority on this topic is undercut? Well, it isn't. You are an adult, and there is a difference. You do have authority, you do have knowledge, you do have experience, you do have perspective. These are all powers that your child is acquiring. But do not be surprised when your teenager reminds you: "You did x, y, and z when you were in high school, and you turned out all right, so why can't I?" Or: "You drink wine at dinner, you have a cocktail when you come home from work. Why can't I have a beer on the weekends?"

Teenagers, especially older ones, do have that uncanny ability to zero in on our illusions, don't they? Maybe you do drink a little bit more than you should, who knows? Well, be advised, there are some who believe that they do know: your own kids. They are keeping extensive mental notes on your activities, choices, and decisions. And if you find yourself taking a hard look at your own habits after such a conversation with your teenager, consider yourself one with most other parents.

How much personal revelation is worthwhile? To be specific, how useful is it for your teenagers to know about those wild times in high school or college? (Or those mild times, for that matter?) Ultimately, you are the best judge, but such information should generally be disbursed on a need-to-know basis. That is, figure out how much you are comfortable with sharing—and then don't even get close to that amount. Is it all right not to answer a direct question? Yes. And it is also all right to give an indirect answer. Did you smoke marijuana in high school, Dad? "None of your business" won't be a good answer, but others might be: "That's not something we need to talk about right now." Or: "There are some things I used to do I wish I hadn't, and that might be one of them." Or "I've learned from my mistakes, but you don't have to make my mistakes in order to learn what I learned." That is, draw a limit you can live with and be honest within it. After all, nobody needs to see somebody else's dirty laundry. Remember, your teenager thinks he understands you and, at the same time, is pretty sure you are operating under a few misconceptions about him. In other words, your teenage children really don't need (or want) the details. Too much information is as bad as not enough. Don't worry: by the time he is sixteen or so, he will see your clay feet and love you anyway, or maybe love you even more because of your imperfections.

A few other words about this conversation. It needs to be honest, personal, forthright, and compassionate. But it needs to be centered on your teenagers and their experience. This can be more likely achieved if you avoid the old chestnut do as I say, not as I do—the formula for hypocrisy your kids will deplore. After all, it's their health, experience, and risk at the heart of the conversation, not yours. Before you clear your throat with them to start this conversation, it will help you to ask yourself hard questions, such as, "Why do I not want them to drink?" How you answer that question will enable you to shape an approach that will carry you to the high ground, where you should stay whenever you can. For one thing, it's absolutely OK to admit how terrified you are when you think about your child drinking, about what can go wrong. That in itself is a kind of reality check for them, even if they do fundamentally count themselves immortal. Your telling them that their lives are precious and that they are not immortal could help them down the road.

In addition, discuss the law and the legal implications of alcohol consumption, but don't make law the centerpiece of the conversation. Why? There's never been a rule, an injunction, or a law that a teenager can't debate. More important, the law is impersonal, whereas these conversations must be personal if they are to work. That is, your concern is about the health and safety of your son or daughter, not about some generic teenager. If you focus on the law, too, you are emphasizing compliance and obedience with regard to alcohol at the moment when your teenager is thinking about alcohol in very different terms: freedom and choice. At bottom, when you stress exclusively the law, you are relying on external authority just when your teenager needs to hear your individual voice of authority and wisdom.

If it's appropriate for you and your teenager, involve an expert or the school or a book that makes sense. Ideally, these conversations should take place well in advance of driving or well in advance of applying for a permit, for that matter. As we said earlier, however, it's never too late.

More on: Drugs and Alcohol