Talking About Drugs and Alcohol with Your Teen

The Younger the Better

While some parents take the attitude that there's nothing wrong with a little experimentation, many more would prefer that their children stay away from cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol completely. If avoidance is part of your long-term plan, start establishing your beliefs early. (If your teen is already in his mid-teens, start talking about your beliefs anyway. It's late, but not too late.)

If you use alcohol, tobacco, or illicit drugs, your children are more likely to use them, too, so begin by being a good role model. Some parents use this as an opportunity to change their own habits. Your kids may have been nagging you to give up smoking for years, and reducing your alcohol consumption isn't a bad idea either. (If you're using illegal drugs, get professional help.)

Drinking in moderation at all times is important, and keeping it in context is, too. A parent who comes home from work announcing, “I had a bad day. I need a stiff drink,” is showing a teen that alcohol will make him feel better and will also help “solve” the bad day.

Here are some other attitudes you should model:

• With smoking, you'd ideally like to invoke the two Ds: Dangerous (for your health) and Disgusting (to be around—who likes to have smoke blown in their face?). Even if a favorite grandmother smokes, the health dangers are clear, and she might even aid the cause by talking about how she would quit if she could.
• The dangers of drugs are also well known, and from the very beginning, your children should be taught that there is nothing acceptable about them.
• Drinking is a more difficult issue because it's so prevalent in our society. If you condemn teen drinking, what do you say if you want to have a beer with dinner one night? While there are additional tips concerning alcohol, your best general approach is to say that drinking in moderation is acceptable for adults, and that no one of any age should drink and drive.

Because all three of these substances can lead to addiction, you should also point out to your kids that once you start, these habits are difficult to kick. (Statistics show that teens are more likely to start smoking or drinking if they believe that it's easy to stop.)

Keeping Communication Open

In addition to being a good role model, keep the avenues of communication between you and your teen open on these issues. Here are some ways to bring up the topic without sounding like you're about to give a lecture:

• Drinking and drugs are often a focus of some of the popular dramas kids follow on television. If you sometimes watch TV with your teen, then you may be able to use an appropriate television segment to discuss your teen's opinion on drinking or drugs, and to convey your opinion as well.
• If Uncle Steve “ties one on” at the family reunion and proceeds to dance around with a lampshade on his head, you have the perfect opportunity to talk about why one shouldn't drink to excess.
• The newspaper is, unfortunately, full of stories of drug overdoses and the consequences of drunk driving. You can use these stories as a basis for discussion. (A local story, or one your teen might identify with, is ideal.) You might also want to mention celebrities who have had problems with drinking or drug abuse.

When you talk, be matter of fact; don't lecture and don't use scare tactics, which are meaningless to teens. (“How do you know I'll get lung cancer when I'm old?” is a likely response from a 13-year-old.) Also, resist condemning your teen's friends whom you suspect may be smoking or involved in drinking or drugs. Negative comments immediately put a teen on the defensive; however, there's nothing wrong with reflecting appropriate concern.

Be sure to listen to your teen's comments. Her remarks may give you guidelines as to what educational gaps you need to fill (she may think one beer has no effect on her) or you may be relieved to find that she has little interest in these substances—at this point. (Keep checking in as interests change; it's good to tune in on this now and then.)

Reducing the Risks

Studies show that the most effective way to control teenage substance abuse are the following:

• Set limits and monitor your teen's whereabouts.
• Ask your teen to tell you his destination whenever he leaves home. (And he should call if his plans change.) If you don't like the sound of it, or if he sounds overly vague, ask for more specifics. And if you ever find that your teen didn't go where he said he was going—and he had no plausible explanation why—you should restrict his range for awhile. (One weekend with no evening privileges, for example.)
• Respect your relationship and maintain a good rapport with your teen.
• Remember that your teen is innocent until proven guilty. If you hear that she was at a keg party, ask her about it in a nonconfrontational manner: “Someone told me they saw you leaving the keg party the other night. What can you tell me about it?” By telling her you've been alerted but asking for her side of the story, you're still working within a relationship of trust. You may find that peer pressure got the better of her, and she's been feeling guilty about it (and she'll think twice before going again now that she knows that word travels fast). Or you may find that she actually stopped to try to convince a friend who had too much to drink to leave.
• Another way to keep teens safe is by banding together with other parents and presenting a unified front on drug and alcohol abuse. If none of the teens in your child's group have total freedom, the peer pressure will be reduced.

Resisting Peer Pressure

Put yourself in your teen's shoes. Talk to him about what might help him resist peer pressure and save face when everyone around him is lighting up or swigging down a beer. “Just say no” wears a little thin by the teen years, but you might brainstorm tactics with him, starting with the following:

• “I don't drink because I just don't like the taste.” (This could work with smoking, too.) The beauty of this excuse is that it shows your teen has a strong personality and has made up his mind. That's hard to argue with.
• “I'm not going to have a drink [take a smoke], because if the coach finds out, I'll be kicked off the team.” Sports are important to most kids, and this will hold some credibility.
• “If my parents find out, I won't be able to use the car for a month.” Again, another teen could understand that this is a high price to pay.

Some parents report success with holding out a reward: if the teen doesn't smoke, drink, or use drugs throughout high school, there is something wonderful waiting for her. Some families offer a car; others offer a lump sum of cash that fits within the family budget (it needn't be substantial—just an acknowledgment that she made it). If she can spread the word among her friends that she's not going to lose that prize, the peer pressure on her will be reduced.

What's a Parent to Do?

But what happens if your teen comes home drunk or is obviously high on something? Or you later learn that your teen experimented with something she shouldn't have?

Don't get into an argument while your teen is drunk or stoned. Your only issue at this point is safety. Your teen may require medical attention. (Alcohol poisoning can be a very real danger in teens whose bodies can't metabolize liquor as quickly as adults' bodies can.) Even a teen who seems only a little drunk when he comes home can move into a toxic state once he goes to sleep—a state that can result in permanent disability or death if it isn't treated. Don't let him sleep it off. Keep him up for awhile (walk him around the room if necessary), until the alcohol has metabolized out of his system. If your teen falls asleep and cannot be awakened, or becomes more groggy after being awakened, call your local emergency medical service.

When your teen has sobered up, talk to him. If it's his first transgression, express your disappointment and disapproval and require that it should not happen again. State what will happen if it does. Punishment should always fit the crime, and curtailing freedom to some degree will probably be appropriate in this case. (Don't make it excessive and try to listen to your teen's input, even on the punishment. He may be tougher on himself than you might expect.)

If your teen repeatedly abuses drugs or alcohol, or smokes, you should contact a drug or substance abuse counselor at school or through a community services agency. They can advise you on the next step.

© 2000-2009 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.